This is the first year since leaving my ex that I have not spent Christmas Day or the day after Christmas with the kids. I finally get them tonight. We get to celebrate our Christmas tonight and then New Year’s tomorrow. Hopefully, he will drop them off. I hold my breath every time that I am supposed to get them.
My oldest still is not really speaking to me. I text and try to get him to talk on the phone. I know that at his age, he has his own opinions, yet they can be strongly influenced by others.
Monday will be another early morning of taking them home in time to meet the bus. What is most important is that we get to spend the time together. I hope they look back and remember the holidays as a good time and have traditions that they will eventually want to pass on in the future.
Life is funny sometimes. There are those events that we can say I am sorry for and actually be forgiven. There are the little bumps along the way which happen to all of us. The words we may say when we are angry that can be apologized for later.
Than there are those times and people that we cannot get back. I wish that I could see my aunt and great-grandmother one more time. To see them and to be able to tell them just how much they mean to me.
Then there are my parents who are completely estranged from me. They live in the same town. Even when I called to wish them a Merry Christmas, they did not answer the phone. At least I continue to try and reach out. That is all that I can do at this point.
My kids are getting to be teenagers. Words that are said around them have a big impact on them. My oldest has not really spoken to me or seen me in 6 months. It is hard. Even on Christmas he refused to talk or answer a text. I keep trying knowing that time cannot be reversed.
My other children still have a relationship with me. I wish that it was closer. That I knew them better. It is hard when they live so far away. At least they still visit and memories can still be made.
There are times and memories that cannot be redone or made up for in the end. I wish that I could change some of the relationships in my life. Yet, those changes take the other person as well.
School is over for the semester. By some miracle I passed my classes. The next few days, all that I could do was sleep. Life has caught back up to me. Therapy and doctor’s appointments are still on the calendar. I still have my dancers to teach one night a week. Winter break is not going to be as relaxing as I thought at first. I really need to work on the issues that were brought up this semester in therapy and in class. Next semester, I have some pretty challenging classes to get through related to what I went through as a child.
My ex is not letting me see my kids until New Year’s. This is the first year that I will not see the kids on or near Christmas day. Court is still on the horizon for next month. Hopefully that will be the end of things for a while.
Yesterday, I lost a friend. She battled cancer for a long time and became a true angel yesterday. I wish I had half of her optimism. She lived everyday to the fullest and never let the pain get her down. She was a true inspiration to everyone who met her. She also was one of those special people who accept others for who they are. Flaws and all. I was lucky to have been a part of her life.
Next week, I have to start going into the past. The nightmares will probably begin and I will have trouble sleeping. Parts of me will fight over how much to tell and when to tell. We know that we need to do this. It has been a long time coming. The past is not going to change just because it is talked about and is out in the open!
I know that memories are not 100% accurate. Some change with time, yet when more than one person remembers the same thing, I am pretty sure that it is somewhat accurate.
Apparently, my mother was always offstandish. She would just sit and scowl at people without participating in conversations. She had an entire life that she never told me about. No one is perfect, yet she made it seem as though certain people were evil.
I really wonder where the lies start and the truth stops. Why she really stopped talking to people? Why she choose to hide her life from me even after I became an adult?
Some of these questions I will never know the answer too. I know that I miss being part of the stories and get togethers that all of the other relatives have to share. I feel like a stranger sometimes. I am glad that I have a relationship with my family now and that my kids will have memories that I did not have. They will be a part of the future stories. They will not have to wonder what went on to make someone end a relationship with another person. They are not going to have people going in and out of their lives.
I will never know why my parents made the decisions that they did. I know how it had impacted me and my life and I have to deal with the fallout. It seems like that is the story with most things with my parents. Having to work through the consequences of their actions.
Life is overwhelming right now. The end of the semester, the holidays, and everything that is still going on legally with my ex. Add to that finals, papers, and a grad school application. Plus teaching dance one night a week.
My doctor actually wrote me a prescription to take time out for me. When exactly I am supposed to make that time is still a mystery.
My brain cannot handle anymore. I am hoping to get through these last couple of weeks. My application for grad school has stalled. How do I limit personal statements to 300 meaningful words that will convey how much I want to work with children and families in need. There does not seem to be enough space.
The holidays are hard this year. I am lucky to have two of my children excited to spend time with me. My oldest child has chosen not to be here yet again. I have tried to talk and figure out how to fix the relationship, yet nothing seems to work. I am so afraid that I have lost him at this point. I am still fighting to get him back. I am still fighting for a relationship.
Then there are my abusers. My parents. I would love to be able to have a relationship with them. If only we could break through the facade that was built up over the years and accept reality. Yeah, things were horrible when I was younger. They were controlling and manipulative. Now, we are all adults, yet they think that time is over for any kind of relationship. I think that it is to hard for them to face what they have done and how much hurt and struggle it has caused.
I am lucky to have people in my life that remind me that life is worth living and being a part of. People who will cuddle on the couch and just watch a show. People who continue to tell me that I can do this even though every part of me doubts myself. People who see past the illness to the person inside that wants to get out. People who just give a hug for no reason at all and expect nothing in return.
The holidays are hard. No doubt about that. They bring up memories that I would rather forget. They also allow me to spend time with the people who accept me. This year. I am trying to focus on those that are there and do want me in their lives. Sounds easy, right!!