Life is overwhelming right now. The end of the semester, the holidays, and everything that is still going on legally with my ex. Add to that finals, papers, and a grad school application. Plus teaching dance one night a week.
My doctor actually wrote me a prescription to take time out for me. When exactly I am supposed to make that time is still a mystery.
My brain cannot handle anymore. I am hoping to get through these last couple of weeks. My application for grad school has stalled. How do I limit personal statements to 300 meaningful words that will convey how much I want to work with children and families in need. There does not seem to be enough space.
The holidays are hard this year. I am lucky to have two of my children excited to spend time with me. My oldest child has chosen not to be here yet again. I have tried to talk and figure out how to fix the relationship, yet nothing seems to work. I am so afraid that I have lost him at this point. I am still fighting to get him back. I am still fighting for a relationship.
Then there are my abusers. My parents. I would love to be able to have a relationship with them. If only we could break through the facade that was built up over the years and accept reality. Yeah, things were horrible when I was younger. They were controlling and manipulative. Now, we are all adults, yet they think that time is over for any kind of relationship. I think that it is to hard for them to face what they have done and how much hurt and struggle it has caused.
I am lucky to have people in my life that remind me that life is worth living and being a part of. People who will cuddle on the couch and just watch a show. People who continue to tell me that I can do this even though every part of me doubts myself. People who see past the illness to the person inside that wants to get out. People who just give a hug for no reason at all and expect nothing in return.
The holidays are hard. No doubt about that. They bring up memories that I would rather forget. They also allow me to spend time with the people who accept me. This year. I am trying to focus on those that are there and do want me in their lives. Sounds easy, right!!