This evening I have class. This will be one out of seven of the same class that I have left this semester. I cannot wait for tonight to be over and it has not begun. I hate!!!! night classes. My worst time of the day is at night. The time of flashbacks and the start of acute anxiety. So, I will go to class and listen or not. Most of the time I have flashbacks or am off in my own head.
I have to take medications just to get through the class due to the fact that I become so angry and irritated at the fact that I have to sit there and just listen. I try to not say to much. Usually, I am only in the mood to argue anyway. What do I learn? I am not sure of that. I read before class and take notes. I record the class to listen to it later, yet at the time I am not really sure that I am getting anything out of it.
Tonight, I want to go home and try to get finished another half of a paper. I want to try and finish all of my papers early. That way I can focus on what I need to do for next year.
I really need to see my doctor. That will not happen for two days which right now feels like two weeks. I am trying so hard to stay out of the hospital and do what I need to. There are so many internal conflicts there. Right now, I need to relieve some of the stress and I am just not sure how at this point. Everything seems to be irritating. I just want to go home and be alone. Quiet and peaceful with only the cat for company.
Instead, I have a crowded class! Tonight will be another rough night. Then I can go home and be by myself. Have my own space and quiet instead of the constant noise around me.