There have been those bad days. The ones where I just want to end it all and can rationalize that I have nothing and no one to live for. The days that I have wanted to put the plans that I have had in place and just be able to not feel any longer.
Then there is where I am now. Going through life on auto pilot. Just doing enough to get by. When I wake up in the morning I barely have the strength or the energy to get out of bed I am so depressed. I just go through the motions.
That has been hard with school. I am supposed to go to class. I have papers that are due. The only problem is that when I barely have the energy and focus to get out of bed, a paper feels like a mountain. It becomes this dance of one paragraph then rest. Then another paragraph until a rough draft emerges. If I am lucky, I can go over that and make changes for a final draft to turn in. That sounds good. To open the computer has been a struggle.
Parts of me wonder if this is all worth it. Am I just going through all of this stress for nothing. It would be so much better and less triggering if I did not have these papers or these topics.
I wanted to go into this field to advocate for those who did not have a voice. For those who needed someone to listen to their journey and accept the progress and the slip ups. Instead, this has taken me on my own journey through my own hell. Sometimes, it is just to much. The fire is to close and I am getting burned. Whatever grade I get on these papers is not as important as the fact that I went through all of this to get them done.
Down the rabbit hole I go, into a world that only I knew at one time, yet has to be revealed to my doctors in order to get better. A long time ago I said that I would not give up my parts. In some ways that is still true, yet in order to function outside of our home, we need to change the description. We need less and and less feelings of persecution. We need to realize that not everyone left because of us. Most of all we need to work on feeling worth something.