I thought that I was doing ok. I was maintaining a healthy weight, my self harm urges were manageable, and my attitude was ok. At least it seemed pretty even.
School is stressing me out. I am at the I just want to give up point again. The stress is causing me to use food to feel better or at least forget what is wrong. Then there is the ramifications of overeating. The weight gain and the guilt. And the cycle continues.
I am thinking about self harm. There are so many pros at this time and so few cons. Even going into the hospital knowing that it will mess up my visitation with my kids does not seem to be enough.
Right now I need some support. It seems like when I was not eating right everyone was concerned about the loss, yet no one seems equally concerned about the gain or the ramifications of that.
I need to figure out what is best for me right now. I feel like I am alone in that decision. I just wish that I had some support right now. Someone to encourage health behaviors instead of what is going on at the moment.
“I understand.” I just want to scream that you do not understand. Maybe you have been through your own tough times and experiences, yet they were not mine and did not affect you exactly the same. Why can’t people just listen or say nothing. Please do not say I’m sorry, when you did nothing that you need to be sorry about.
A good listener may repeat what is said or even pick up some of the feeling and want to learn more. A person who is sorry makes me wonder if they even heard all of what was said.
I spoke about my experience with the mental health system the other day. After finishing, some of the audience came up and told me what a good job that I had done. Really, this was not a paper that I was trying to get an A on. This is my life. Was it a good job that I took the abuse, that I went through numerous hospitalizations, that I have seen others die from this same illness? Please stop pretending to understand something that you cannot.
No, those of us with PTSD do not have a society. No-one is part of a large group, yet when you meet someone else with PTSD you just know sometimes. Most likely they do not enjoy crowds either, they do not like loud noises, while in a room they will keep their back away from a wall, and most will talk about how their illness effects their life now. There is an understanding.
I wish there were times where I could just stay home and get the class notes online. I wish that I could have a sick day once in a while. Right now, I happen to be sick. I have a note that I do not need to attend class. Why can’t I have a note saying that I can be excused from disturbing situations or at least leave the room when it gets to be to much. Where is my note that I am equal to everyone else when writing papers or taking exams. I may just need more time. Please do not tell everyone in the room that I have to go to the testing center. If extra credit is offered, I would like it on my test as well.
Having an invisible illness is hard. People assume that you are like them. You are going through the work and family issues that most of them are. Sometimes it is hard to feel alone in a crowd. To not have anyone to talk to or understand that some days are really bad. Society does not like to hear about the bad. My Facebook page is filled with recipes, leggings, and photos that all depict smiling, happy people. Why can’t people be real. I would respect you more if you said that you felt like crap then if you only post what is good. Life is a mixture.