It Has Been a While!!

So much has happened in the pst few weeks. I am sorry for those who follow my blog. The big news is that I have a file placement for the fall semester. The field supervisor must have seen something in me that I did not see myself. I am looking forward to working with someone who is as passionate about mental health and will assist me in channeling my passions in the direction that is accepted in the field.

The other big news is the my husband got his Master’s degree. He is now eligible to do what he has always wanted which is to be a college professor. His graduation and the end of the semester were all stressful. I was not sure if I was going to make it through the last few days and actually missed my classes for the first time because my anxiety level was to high and I was having to many flashbacks. Also, I was not able to sleep.

Since school has ended, I have only gone to my appointments and tried to relax as much as I could. Being off of most devices and email helped. We also went to Florida for a weekend to just be in the sun and watch the sunset. I was able to catch up on some reading by the pool and dinner was right at the same place that we stayed. Florida always seems to calm me down. I swear that the sky and clouds are so different there from where I live.

This week, I have my kids for their summer visit. It has all gone pretty well so far. We invested in a pool membership and that is the best investment of the summer. The kids love the pool and there are other kids their age to play with and have fun with. Not to mention a diving board and a slide. We also went to see a movie together and have just played board games and relaxed.

I am trying to connect more to my feelings in therapy. It is not easy and I have to watch how much I let out in order to not overwhelm myself. My abusers birthdays fell within two weeks of each other which is not easy, yet with each passing year that i do not speak to them, it seems to get a little easier. They are not healthy for me to be around.

Recently the nightmares and flashbacks have become worse. I am seeing my psychiatrist more frequently. I feel like they are not going to end anytime soon. They are something that I am going to have to learn to deal with.

Bathing suit season is upon us and my eating disorder is amped up. Luckily the people at the pool are all sizes which make me feel a little less like everyone is looking at me and staring. Still, the scale seems to be my worst enemy even though I should not follow that, yet make sure that I am healthy.

This weekend should be fun. A birthday and a pool day await. The kids should have fun and we can have fun as a family. The reality is that I am also already reading for next semester. The prospect of a Masters scares me. Am i even good enough to get a Master’s? How will my illness impact my studies? Am I going to be able to keep up? I will find out over the next few months and keep posting how the adventure is unfolding. Warning: Some may be very negative. Ok , to be realistic, all of them may be negative. Life is not always a bed of roses!!

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What a Nightmare **May Trigger**

I had to go for a mandatory test yesterday with a doctor that I did not know. The test was administered in an area where I grew up. Everything came flooding back to me as I sat in the damp waiting room with a tiny air conditioner which had seen better days.

I remembered my mother leaving me in the car as she would go shopping in businesses that were gone long ago or going to the dentist in the same buildings. Just down the street was the church where I had made all of my sacraments and was glad to get away from as soon as I could.

This was an area that I choose not to go into because it was a dark hole in my past. This was an area of living nightmares and haunting experiences. I intentionally avoid the area when at all possible. Yesterday, I did not have a choice. I was mandated to go into a little building with a dark staircase and a mildewy smell.

This caused all of my symptoms to become active. I was having flashbacks, I was hyper vigilant, I began to shake, and I had impulses to self harm to feel better. The examiner asked if I was like this all the time and I replied that I was uncomfortable and the shaking was not unusual.

The examiner actually followed me out to my car after the test to make sure I was ok. The first thing that I did was to email my therapist and then call my psychiatrist. The next thing that I remember was that I called my husband to tell him that I was not safe to drive home. My hands and feet were going numb and I was in and out of the present.

I felt violated. Someone who did not know me or my condition was asking me questions that I had a hard time answering. I did not want to discuss my abuse in detail and only gave who and the years that it occurred. She wanted to know details about my illness that I have not shared with those who have been treating me for years.

She seemed to believe I was ok because I white knuckled it to stay out of the hospital to see my children. Even though I told her I was needing to call my treatment team more than once a week to check in with my safety.

Yesterday night was hard. I have flashes of my husband asking me about my PRN’s and what I needed. I do not know what I would do without him. Today, I just want to isolate. I do not want to see or speak to anyone. I am questioning if this brought up to much and if I should go into the hospital and am trying weigh the pros and cons of inpatient vs outpatient treatment. Inpatient would at least make me feel safe and allow me to have staff there, yet I need to work on things in outpatient treatment in order to function outside of the hospital’s protective walls.