One Side or the Other,Why Not Look at Everyone As An Individual ?

Black/white, poor/ rich, “normal”/mentally ill ? That is what seems like people judge each other on. Everyone is an individual. No one even of the same background, has the same experience that has formulated how they are as the whole person.

Social work is all about oppression, yet every time that a discussion gets started it turns into black and white. Inevitably, someone brings up slavery. Yes some people are descended from slaves, some people came over to this country over the past twenty years.

My great grandfather and grandmother came here from Italy. They did know anyone and were dirt poor. Luckily my great grandfather knew how do construction. He worked until the day that he died. When people look at me they see money, power, and privilege. The reality is that I grew up in a working class neighborhood with parents who were still mourning the two children that they lost and hating the one they had. My parents did not want me, the majority of my peers did not like me, and my self-esteem could be measured in negative numbers.

Why can’t people just see the person next to them as another human being. A person with a background and a past. One might be surprised at how close your experiences are and how the two of you could support each other.

This is just my opinion. I look at a person as qualities and experiences not their gender or the color of their skin! Tonight is yet another discussion on race. I do not want class to just see black and white as what makes someone who they are! At least I can practice one day with an open mind.

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Can I Get Through This??

I knew that graduate school was going to be hard. I did not intend for it to make me feel so bad after only 5 weeks. I feel like I am on this ride that I cannot get off of. The ride just keeps going with no sign of end in site. The small comfort is that there are others on this ride to nowhere. 

Last semester, I was able to keep my head above water and get my assignments and readings completed. This semester, grad school feels like some horrible monster that I cannot get rid of. For me, I knew that grad school would be hard. 15 credits is hard no matter what. People had told me about how bad field could be and I am experiencing my own learning curve with that.

What no one told me or warned me about was all of the reading. If it would be 100 pages I could handle it. It is between three and four hundred pages a week. I barely can get the reading finished. Then, for every class I have at least one research paper. We were to led to believe from the professors thatthey were not that bad. That is completely coming from those who grade them, not those who write them.

Added onto all of the fun items above is the parking. Even the campus police told us to hide phone, money, wallets, not to make eye contact with people, not to talk or engage in conversation, and to be aware at all times. I am already hyper vigilant, I did not need that speech to scare the hell out of me, I already had a good picture.

There have been some issues. People deciding to beat on my car with me in it. Others asking me for money each time I pass them. Still there are others that are yelling. I am not taking the time to find out if it is me or not. I just keep going. Why could I not have a school with a regular campus and campus issues. Instead I get texts telling me what just happened to someone. 

If I want to be a patient advocate and get an MSW, I need to just try each day to take it one hour at a time. Some hours are horrible!! Others are not so bad. Technically, I have survived my first month. I am scared about the next three that I have to get through. Somehow I have to do this. At least now I know that for the next two years, graduate school is the priority.

Week #4

I am already burnt out not even halfway through the semester. I need to enforce the modifications in my 504 plan. I need the adaptations to make it through the semester. Parking is crazy. I am so tired after having to talk so far. Then I have trouble staying awake in class. 

My kids are taking things better than expected. The always seem to find a reason to do their work with me. They motivate me to keep going.

Field is not going as well. My field instructor believes that my mental illness is going to have a negative effect on my work and capability in the field. I have had to go above my field instructor and I hate that. Why can’t I get through a semester without an issue?

The only saving grace is that I have therapy twice a week. That has helped to reduce the impact of secondary trauma. The times are effecting my school work, yet I need the time to work on my issues.

Week 3 Feels Like Week 12🙁

It is only the third week of class. I feel like I can barely keep my head above water between the readings and papers. All of my papers are due in the first two months of class. This is not an easy schedule with therapy twice a week and seeing my psychiatrist.

Then there is waking up early on Monday to get the kids to school. They want to come for their optional weekends. The only issue is balancing time with them and school. I really want to spend more time with them, yet I have so much work.

Therapy has become more challenging. We need all parts to begin to work with our therapist, yet all are not sure how they feel about “coming out” to him and revealing who we all are. That will make us vulnerable. Are we ready for that?

At least I will have time to work on my paper this evening. I also somehow need to complete all of my readings for tomorrow!!

Overwhelmed!!! I can ask for an extension due to my 504, yet I feel like I should be able to do this like everyone else without turning assignments in late. Maybe I just need to accept that I am going to need a little help to get through this.

Today is just beginning. At least I have arrived safely from the parking garage! One item down for the day.

What a Week!!

Somehow I survived my first week of field and class. I am trying to take it one step at a time. I make lists of everything I have to do and then cross each off as I do it. This gives me a sense of accomplishment. Field is hard. There are points where I feel like I have not received the training and struggle.

The kids first week went well. So far, they like all of their teachers and have their friends. I have already received a frantic call about homework and was able to help over the phone.  I will see them soon and I cannot wait to hear more details.

I am now having therapy twice a week since my psychiatrist decided he only wanted to manage my medications not my parts. My therapist is helping. He reassures me all of the time that what I am going  through is normal and has assisted in helping me with reality testing .

Home life is ok. My husband and I arely at home. We are both so tired by the end of the day that we wind up just going to sleep.

The good news is that I am taking my medications. I am waking up and getting a little more sleep at night. The only problem are the mightMares that wake me up in the middle of the night.

Stressed to the Max

Today is my first day of field. I am sick and excited all at the same time. I am scared to be here for an entire day. Normally, I can only go about 4 hours and then I will begin to fall apart. Hopefully, I can keep it together.

I have PRN’s, yet I am worried about taking them because they make me sleepy. This is going to be such a challenge.

The kids were over this weekend. My oldest moved downstairs and my youngest got a bigger room. They were happy. Now they each have a tv and either an x-box or a blue ray.

I have had to increase therapy to twice a week. My psychiatrist had stated that he is not going to do parts work with me. I really wonder why he went into trauma to begin with if he wanted to keep a huge divide between him and his patients. My therapist was great about finding an extra time for me to come each week. I am going to need something with all of this stress.

This really is one hour at a time. Then onto class this evening. At least I have off tomorrow. That should help with the stress and the sleep. Now just to see how today goes!