The holidays!! I like putting up the tree, wrapping presents, and baking. Then there is the part the I don’t particularly like or want to go through. Family visits.
Not that my family is not nice and funny. It is when they ask how I am doing. I want to tell the truth so badly. I dropped out of school, I was in a mental hospital twice, I am almost finished with treatment at the wound care center for the self harm that I did, and oh yeah I do not have my kids because of legal reasons. Meanwhile, they are discussing the successful jobs and normal lives. They have their kids with them and their life is stable.
Nothing like feeling like a complete failure. It does not matter anymore that I graduated with highest honors and a BS. I am not using it.
Their homes are all nice and they live in good areas. Meanwhile I am struggling to pay bills and live in an area that has a reputation for being bad.
I wish that I could just stay home and hide. To not have to see anyone. There would be no panic attacks or stomach pains. I could just be in peace.
Somehow I have to get through the day and put on a happy face while I am flooded with reminders of how messed up my life is. At least I know that there will be an end and I can come home to the cat and the quiet. Wish me luck!!