Even though I have been divorced for a number of years, the custody issue is ongoing. The county that I live in believes in giving a parent with a mental illness visitation. After the first agreement was reached I thought that the battles and stress were over.
Fast forward to a hospital stay where I came home to a letter that stated that seeing the children was detrimental for them. Almost a year of lawyers and court went by before I was able to see my children again.
I hate having to go inpatient, even though I know that it might be for the best. After I get out of the hospital there is a list of steps that I have to take to get to start to see my kids again. That can take months waiting for documentation.
Sometimes it is hard. I have to report everything to my ex. When, where, how long for any type of vacation. I cannot even take the kids somewhere in the state overnight. Meanwhile, he can leave the country with them without any problem.
The bright side to all of this is that I have less time ahead of me than behind me. I already anticipate another court case coming. That will be another day.
At one time I was going to school for education and even had a job as a schoolteacher. I had kids and stayed home with them. Then, the mental illness hit with all of its challenges.
So, I tried to stay stable and went to nursing school. That would have worked out had it not been for a physical illness. I was so let down at that point.
Then, I worked for years with my doctor to start Social Work classes. I had no idea that I would not last even 5 clinical days in my placement when I was told that I did not fit in. Social work just was not right for me.
As I sit here writing this post, I have absolutely no clue where my life is headed. What do I do now? Where do I go? No one is going to tell me, I have to figure this out on my own.
For now, I am taking a DBT class. It is interesting and has given me a different way to look at situations. It is still the beginning. Time will tell. I still see my therapist as well. I am not even sure what we are working on at the moment. I think grief and loss.
I have been able to see the kids twice so far. I enjoy spending time with them. Now that they are older they get sarcasm and humor. They still put a smile on my face. I will not ever stop being in their corner.
So what is my path right now? I think that it is to discover what I am made of. To take each piece and event apart and examine it in order to move on and be able to stop allowing it to run my life.
There was a time that I did not think that I could get away from the abuse. Then there was the realization that handling 120 students was not for me. I had a trying marriage and a terrible divorce.
In that time I have also learned to fight for what I believe in. Even though I do not have custody, I make sure to see the kids every time that they can visit. I am still taking my medication as prescribed and being honest with my treatment team. Sometimes they never know what I will say.
Right now is another time to dust off myself and figure out where I am going to go with my life. I have a few ideas, yet I need to see if that is really what I want to do. Therapy tomorrow. Hopefully one more step toward a life that I can be proud of.
I am supposed to go to therapy this morning. My clothes are out and I am up. There is just one problem. I do not want to leave the house. To put it another way, thoughts of leaving the house are crippling me right now.
I feel that the people closest to me do not understand. They tell me that they do not want to go anywhere either. This is more than that. My mind feels like it is on pause and that I cannot walk out the door. How am I supposed to focus to drive or even be able to drive.
Sometimes I feel like my problems are minimized. That I should be able to just get over everything. I wished that this illness worked like that. I wish I could just make myself go and all will be ok. I wish that I was not paralyzed with fear.
You will feel better soon. You have to get through this to lesson the pain, anger, etc. This group/treatment should help. How about a new medication?
Really!! None of those things has worked. I still feel horrible. Yesterday I told a close friend that I do not feel right without an open wound on my body. That would feel better. It would be better than feeling like a failure everyday. I feel like I let so many people down when I could not even get through the first month of grad school.
Now, I am just lost. I am not sure where to go or what to do. Am I so messed up that I am not able to live a “normal” life. I have thought about that. What are some alternatives? I have thought about writing. I am not sure about that one. Then there is the addiction counselor. I know that an eating disorder and self harm are addictions. Maybe helping others get through their dark and challenging days. Right now, I am just not sure.
At least I am able to see the kids again. They keep me going. I do not want to leave them with just their father. I am not sure that would be good for any of them. Just a few more weeks until they will be able to spend the night again!!
Lately, I have felt pretty bad. Like I do not want to get out of bed or off the couch bad. I do not see the point of all this therapy and treatment if I still feel like crap. Then again maybe I need to go through this to get to the other side. Feeling better would be good.
School and work are on the back burner for now. My goals are to try to process some of the things that happened to me in order to decrease their impact. That looks so good on paper. In reality it feels like crap and does not seem to be getting better.
New Year’s resolutions. Everyone makes them. Exercise more, go on a diet, don’t do whatever. My resolution is to try to figure out what my path in life is. I have thought about writing a book. At least a small one about my journey through the courts with my kids.
Group was this morning. Why does everyone want to talk about emotions. If I was comfortable with those I would not need all of the therapy. That would certainly save money.
The holidays were ok. My husband got me some really cool art stuff and a bubble tank. I have been taking advantage of all of the new art supplies!! I love to draw and color. It is relaxing and all of my problems seem to disappear.
I was able to see the kids again after completing all of the steps in the agreement. It was great to have them at the house and to be able to celebrate our Christmas.
So. I am not sure if I have mentioned that I am not a big fan of cooking. I am better at baking. I have found a new love for baking scones. I can put pretty much anything into them that I want. I have iced some and not others. I also made brownies from scratch. They turned out better than the box mix.
Part of me has come to accept that I am on my own path right now. I have to figure out the best route to take. I think that with time, it will come to be. I have a few ideas. Hope that everyone had a great New Year. I am not sure it is about resolutions but getting through one day at a time.