There is part of me that lives in the present and another hurt and very raw part from the past. Today life is good, yet I still feel depressed. I have a loving husband, kids who are teens and still tell me they love me and check to see how I am, and the ability to be me with all of my quirks.

Then there is the other part of me. The part that was called ungrateful. The one who’s mother stated over and over that she should of had an abortion with her. The one who carries guilt at some of the losses in her life. The one who was made to feel that she did not exist.

It is hard to have a dichotomy like this going on in my head all of the time. I lead toward believing the negative even when positive things are said. My bruises have healed, yet the words that’s stung then sting just as much today. I am a work in progress. Maybe one day I will like who I am.

As I look at myself, I see scars that will not go away that I have created because of the anxiety and self-hatred. This summer I cannot hide them. I wish I could hear what others think when they see them. Do they see someone who was strong enough to get treatment when she was ready to give up on life itself? Will they just think that it is for attention and snicker behind my back? Maybe both are happening. There are others out there like me who have been through the tunnel of abuse and back. Those that are survivors. Maybe I will get to meet some.

5 thoughts on “Two of Me **TRIGGER WARNING**

  1. Beautifully written, know you are not alone in these feelings and its okay to not be okay sometimes! You will get through all the downs in your life and you are so strong for continuing on with two of you living in one. I know that feeling too well, enjoy the days that are good and be strong during the days that are bad

  2. Oh how I wish that neurofeedback was available to everyone with PTSD. I had about 30 neurofeedback treatments last year, which my husband and I went into debt paying for, but oh wow, it has made all the difference in the world. After living with severe PTSD for over 50 years, now I feel like I no longer even have PTSD. The therapist who gave me the treatments said the same thing, he believes my PTSD is cured. Thoughts that used to swirl around in my head all of the time, thoughts of hating myself, of feeling like a total failure, unloved, unworthy of love, worthless… those miserable thoughts and painful emotions are GONE.

    If you can possibly afford to have neurofeedback, I highly recommend it! If not, reading good self-help books also helped me a lot, as did writing out my thoughts and feelings, as you are doing here.

    Having a mother who told you she wished she had aborted you — it doesn’t get much more abusive than that. My mother tried to gas us all to death, among many other severely abusive, extremely insane things. She also singled me out, of all her children, to be her number one scapegoat. So yes, I went through hell growing up, and my hell did not automatically go away after I was grown, not even close. But — being told by your mother that she wished she had aborted you is absolute evil, and no less abusive and soul killing than the murderous things my momster did.

    Please be gentle with yourself. Just as it is normal to bleed if you are stabbed, it is normal to have PTSD after growing up like that. A seed planted in asphalt will not grow. Not because the seed is bad, but because the environment is wrong for growing seeds. You are here because God wanted you here, and you have just as much of a right to exist as any other person on this planet. ((HUG))

    1. Thank you for responding. I will have to ask about neurofeedback. It sounds like it would be helpful in stopping some of the symptoms that I have had for years.

  3. Did you take words from each warring half of my brain? Did you ever feel counselors we’re silently thinking about your depressed thoughts/memories/days as “OMG! Here we go talking about this again! (rolling eyes) Get Over it already!”
    As if, unless you were positive in each session, what was your point in coming? I feel I have to hide any negativity/pain (I also suffer from physical conditions that I feel I shouldn’t discuss or discuss negatively) Yet, any positivity or progress I believe I’ve made is not acknowledged (just as I also have suffered from family for 50 yrs) Only strategies suggested “You have decide you want to be happy” You can’t always get the responses you want (so I die believing I’ve never done anything correctly/well or that my family never loved me?) “Keep a journal of anything positive/bringing happiness/for which your thankful, so you can refer and pick one to replace a negative thought/memory” That’s my positive CBT for 5yrs!!! Feel alone, that I’ll always hear/be treated same so how treated/what heard 50yrs must be true, so why foolishly to believe otherwise Not sure I explained clearly (another “fault”)

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