My husband and I are looking to move. If I were “normal”, I would have a job and income to use for the paperwork. Unfortunately, my PTSD symptoms are not controlled. I still have panic attacks around people and places that I do not know. My short term memory is messed up. I swear that is from the ECT.

And then there is the feeling of anger that I try to suppress each day so that I can at least get through the day.

Because of the complications from my mental illness, we may just have to stay where we are and I am going to have to learn to be ok with that. It just sucks that I am such a large part of the problem.

Some people would bring up getting damages from my abusers, yet the statute of limitations has passed. It still makes me feel like I am limited each day due to the symptoms of my illness.

No one chooses to be abused as a child or suppress those memories. Yet, it seems like we are blamed when we cannot hold a job or function as everyone else does. We fought a fight that we did not choose, yet we get blamed. Why didn’t you just tell someone or why did you not move out. I wish it were that easy. If I would have told, things would have been much worse. I was frozen for so long. I just did as they said to not rock the boat. It was not really a choice, it was a way to get through each day with the least amount of pain.

I just wish recovery would happen sooner. It just seems to take so long and involve so many aspects of my life. I just have to do what I can. Keep going to the doctors and seeing my therapist. One step at a time!

One thought on “Feeling Worthless

  1. I understand! I turned 65 last month. Since the end of last year, I feel like I am FINALLY almost completely healed from the extreme traumas and abuses I experienced in my childhood and young adulthood. This is the best that I have ever felt in my life, and I am so grateful!

    But I am also mad. My granddaughter graduated from Harvard last month. And her mother, my daughter, is currently a therapist intern, about halfway through a psychology program at another university. I am thrilled for them!! But I can’t help but wonder what I would have done with my life, with my high IQ and my natural talents, if I hadn’t been so badly broken by PTSD from childhood?

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