It seems like it was so hopeful that we were leaving this triggering neighborhood. No more would I see all those places with terrible memories. We even went to look at future homes.
I should have realized that it was not to be. Not with the way that my life has turned out. It would seem that the reality is that I am destined to live by my abusers. Maybe one day that will make me stronger. Today, it just makes me hopeless. My abusers will win again and have no consequences for their actions.
My safety is going to be questionable for a bit. It seems like their was a glimmer that things would change, yet the reality is that no one wants to live here. It is like it is cursed. My mind has to adjust to the fact that things will stay the same and that all of those places that hold memories of past abuse are still there to taunt me.
Packing up somewhere sounds like it will be easy. Then the packing begins, and all of these old memories come up. Suddenly, things that have not been seen have meaning. The house actually becomes more of a mess as trash is separated from keep. Then, there is the I have no idea pile. At least I know that progress is being made.
I overreacted with my daughter yesterday. She was playing with all of the other kids. There was an adult around who reminded me of the past and freaked me out. I yelled at my daughter to come sit by where I was. I cannot explain the panic and fear that took over me in that moment. I do not ever want her to have negative experiences if I can prevent it.
Maybe I have been through to much and have done to much research. A person can still be a pedophile if they have kids or if they are older. There is not just one description. I do not care if they are at the same party, a background check was not done to get into the party and something could happen.
Luckily, my daughter and I had a productive talk last night about the incident and I assured her that it was nothing that she did.
Today means more packing and getting the house ready for pictures. Should be a busy day.
Our family is looking at moving out of the area where I was abused. In some ways it is scary. In other ways I am looking forward to be able to go out of the house and maybe explore a new area.
It will be weird to not be by my abusers and to not have to come back to the neighborhood. I feel like my life is going to get a second chance and I cannot ruin it. Maybe going back to school at different college with a different viewpoint will help.
My family can make new memories at a new place that may allow me to finally get well and recover. I will be able to still see my treatment team. I will try to keep the blog updated. Especially when we find a house and have a contract.