Testing my Boundaries

There has been so many people here since we moved into the house. Sometimes, more than one in a day. I like the house to be a safe space. Today it is more of a construction zone. New carpet is being installed and with it comes all of the sounds.

The banging really gets to me. At least it is only for one day. I could not handle this much banging all of the time. It is so loud that I hope that we are not disturbing any of the neighbors.

I will be relieved when this is finished. We can finally move furniture into the house and begin to decorate a little. We also will not have any dog smells. The stains are apparent on the carpet!!

The kids are supposed to come this week. I am not sure how that is going to go. My ex wants to completely change the schedule even though I did not move that much further away. Maybe an extra ten minutes. I really hope to see the kids. They have not seen the house except for pictures.

Other than that, things are ok. We are processing in therapy. I do not think that many people want to experience their worst days over and over, yet I need to make a connection with some kind of emotion that I was experiencing at the time. Not an easy task.

Painting is Therapeutic??

I love to sit down and paint. I also like the diamond paintings. They take my mind off of the day and allow me to clear my head.

Painting a house is stressful. I thought I would be ok, yet I am already having anxiety around taping the walls off. I guess that is the perfectionist part of me. The bad part is that I need to get the painting done now because new carpet is coming into the room next week. I do not mind drips on the old carpet, but I will on the new.

So, this morning I finished half a room and plan to complete the other half after lunch. I am hoping to get paint on the walls today. Then I can go back to the art that I find relaxing.

A Whole New Therapy

I really need to begin discussing the details of my trauma in therapy. Now that I do not live by my abusers, I feel like I can finally open up without having to worry about getting triggered on the ride home.

It has been a difficult decision not to call my mom, yet I know that it is for the best. She does not want to have anything to do with me.

I always tried to avoid what happened in therapy. I know that in order to get better I need to relive all of the feelings and details that I can remember.

I will be happy to start completing art work when I get the room finished. That should help some of my parts express themselves.

So Different

It is weird going from a place where there was the constant noise of police sirens and helicopters to a setting where the only sounds are a lawnmower or a passing car. People ask how you are doing and life goes at its own pace.

There is no feeling that at any minute someone is going to break in or that I will see a rat driving home. I have parking as well as spots to relax and calm down.

Things are getting done. My projects right now include shelf liner, sink liner, and a ton of paint. I cannot wait for the kids to see the house. I hope they like it as much as I do.

The ants seem to be slowly dwindling in number. I am excited to see less each time that I look. Some storage is on its way. What seems like a big kitchen is small when you have a husband who loves to cook and is an appliance geek.

My ex is still being difficult with visitation and seems to be taking the opportunity to lesson my visits with the kids if possible. I really do not want to go back to court, yet if I have to I will. I have less than 5 years now until all of the kids are 18. That is a good feeling.

It’s Official

I have finally moved. It is so quiet and the people are so different. They do not seem to be in a constant rush to get things done. Today I am scared because I have no choice but to go out of the house until we have working appliances.

I did not tell my abusers where I was moving. There was some disagreement among parts , yet in the end it was best to just leave all of the physical reminders of the trauma behind.

Not that it helps with the mental piece of the trauma. It is still there. I will be so happy when the house is relatively moved into and I can begin to write and complete art projects again.

The visitation with the kids is going as well as I expected. There is no agreement. In fact, he wants to take visitation away. That is not ok with me. It looks like court may be in the future.

It is nice being in a place where I have a chance for a fresh start. I need to get to know the neighbors. That will be a challenge along with the crazy hours that my husband works during the week. He has been able to get a lot accomplished this weekend.

My next post will most likely be tomorrow since the internet and some of the house is worked out.

Two Weeks

Two weeks until I no longer live surrounded by the ghosts of the past. I will no longer pass the same streets and stores when so many things happened to me.

The new house is so different. Different in a good way. I will get to explore the area. Life is going to be at a different pace. Most places are closed or close early on Sundays.

I wonder what the neighbors will be like. In 10 years I have never really known my neighbors. That may be about to change.

One thing that is staying the same is my therapist. I would not know where to begin with someone else. Trusting others is a big issue for me. At least parts feel like they can finally open up. No one is going to know my abusers.