My therapist and I are trying to work out why I still do not want to leave the house even though the neighborhood is safer. Thinking about it, I realized that I had been like that all my life. Of course my mother would make me go to the store with her when I was little, yet when I was old enough to stay by myself I did not have to go out again.
I remembered that most of my time at home was spent at my back window. I could look through the sheer and see kids riding bikes, people having family over, or other normal things that people would do outside. They had a freedom to them that I did not. They looked like they were having fun.
My parents did not go many places and the only person who really had birthdays for me was not my mom. Instead I learned that my mom did not really care. Of course she cared what the neighbors thought. So if I did leave the house, I had to be “presentable”.
I lived behind a curtain for a long time. Scared that the other kids and their friends would make even more fun of me then they already did. It was easier to stay hidden and forgotten.
Even though I am grown up, I prefer to stay in the house. I have my pets and my phone. Also, people cannot ask me about the job that I do not have and cannot keep and the kids that I lost custody of in court. It is just less painful to stay inside.