So much has happened this year. I have moved away from my abusers, I have a new cat, I have stayed out of the hospital, and I have found ways to relax or at least have tried.
I should feel better. I should be moving on with my life. Instead I still am scared to leave the house. I am not even sure why. It just causes a panic attack to get near the door.
True, I was able to get away from the proximity of my abusers and where the abuse happened. The dates and events still live in a corner of my mind and in some ways have gotten louder.
Today, I feel like my body and mind have created a prison for me. One that causes me to believe that the outside is dangerous. One where even when I close my eyes I have nightmares of what happened. One where I still lose time and easily get stressed out.
I am realize that all the move did was to separate me physically. Mentally, I am still that girl who was abused, teased, and unwanted.
Hopefully, the next year means that I will be able to work through some of this, yet I am reluctant to discuss what went on. Somehow I need to find a way to live with this and stop contemplating ways to end all of this discord and unrest.
I do not make New Year’s Resolutions. I like to stick to what I know could be true. This fall I was able to move into a wonderful neighborhood. People talk with one another and try to help out whenever they can. I am looking forward to seeing more people coming out in the spring.
The other adventure that I am beginning is a book club. I have always loved to read and hopefully it will be a way to meet new people. It will also mean interacting with others which I need practice in.
My kids are also going to be a part of the year. One will be moving out of middle school into high school and another is thinking of a future in the military. It means a lot that they want to discuss their courses with me.
I will also have the cats to enjoy and care for. They each have their unique personalities. I cannot wait to watch the kitten continue to grow and for our other cat to accept her a little more each day.
Therapy will get harder as I pull back the layers surrounding my abuse. Maybe I can learn to direct my anger toward the right people from now on. All I know is that I need to get in touch with my emotions.
For years I have been wanting to get out of the neighborhood that I lived in. That neighborhood was the same one where my abuse took place. It held so many bad memories for me. Along with the memories, there was so much crime that I had trouble sleeping. My husband and I had talked for years about getting out of there.
This summer we were able to have everything fall into place. We were able to buy a house in a safe neighborhood that did not carry any memories. My husband has allowed me to feel safe and to have new experiences. He gave me the best present that I could ever have. The gift of love and understanding.
In addition, I get to have my kids for the holiday this year. Last year, I was not even able to see them because I had been in the hospital. This year we are having them over along with some family.
Christmas is all about love and kindness. We have so much Christmas spirit in our home this year.
Medications. I am on many for my mental illness and fibromyalgia. I never realized how addicted my body was to them until this past week. They help with anxiety and nerve pain.
I had run out of one of my medications before the doctor could call it in. I thought is was no big deal and that I could wait a couple of days. The next day I had stomach cramps and cold sweats. I felt horrible. I thought that it was a 24 hour virus, then it happened again the next day.
Finally, my husband went and picked up the prescription. I took it and within a couple of hours was feeling better. The stomach pain and head ache had gone away.
That is so scary to me. That a prescription can cause the same withdrawal symptoms as some illegal drugs. I am dependent on these medications for what I thought was to keep my physical and mental health stable. It turns out that my body is dependent on them to not have withdrawal.
I know that I need the medications, yet the fact that they control me makes me nervous. I would hope that the drug companies would work on the symptoms that happened when someone does not need the medication anymore, yet it seems that the drug companies are the ones who have made them this way.
My opinion of myself has been influenced by years of abuse. I feel damaged and defeated. No matter what I try, it has not worked out and I am back at the start. I have tried taking one step at a time, yet right now I seem to be going backwards.
I am struggling with thoughts of self harm. That would at least make me feel better if only for a little while. Then there are the even darker thoughts of suicide. There are times when I actually think that people would be better off if I was not around anymore. There are those that would be relieved that they did not need to deal with me any longer and there would be those that truly do not care in the first place.
I feel like I am damaged. My oldest son does not talk to me, I cannot work at this point, and I am scared to leave the house even to get the mail. I am worried what people think about me and if they already realize that I am damaged just by looking at me.
The scars on my body tell a story of fighting and defeat. Of pain that is so intolerable that I can think of nothing but getting out of it.
Most of all I am lost. I am not sure which direction to go in or what path to follow. Do I start over with trying to be a social worker or do I find something else to do? Do I participate in a book club or stay in the house? Am I ready for people to know me or should I still hide?
This weekend is a family get together. I am lost going there. They do not know who I am. I wish that I knew who they were. I was kept away from them for years and being socially awkward does not help. What should I talk to them about?
So, my thoughts turn to suicide. To end all of the pain. To not have to worry what anyone thinks of me any longer. To not have to try and fail at something else.
Trying to overcome these thoughts is hard. I think that even my therapist is stuck. I do not know where to begin to get better, I need to figure it out. I need to push through all of these horrible thoughts and start to think about what I do have in my life. Maybe today I can spend some time trying to think about what I have instead of what I am missing.
I have three kids/teenagers at this point. They spend most of their time in a home where money is plentiful and luxury is the norm. My youngest two still want to come here and spend time with me playing games, making cookies, and watching movies. They make me feel like a parent when they are here.
Then there is my oldest who has not spoken or seen me in 3 years. At this point he does not even call me mom anymore, he calls me by my first name. It hurts that his father and extended family say that I do not care and that I am a bad parent. They say it would just be easier to cut me out of their lives. He has taken that to heart. Even if I am driving the other kids home, he will run into the house .
It is hard to know that he is becoming a young man and that I cannot even talk to him. I hope that one day he changes his mind and calls me. Then again, I may never hear from him. It is hard to know that for now anyway I have lost him.
While I like the holidays, they are so stressful. First are the social situations. I hate people asking me questions. How are you doing? Then in my head I begin to contemplate what to say. It would probably be better to say fine, yet I am tired of ignoring my feelings. Then there are people who want to know exactly where I now live. I am not comfortable giving out my address. For me, if the have my email and phone number, they do not need my address.
This year we are having my husbands family over. I always feel like the house is never clean enough and that I am being judged on how the house looks as well as the food that we are serving.
Then there are gifts. I have had to stay off of social media. I am tired of seeing all of the top gift lists. They make me feel like what I did get people is inadequate, yet that is what those people have asked for over the year.
I am already stressed about taking down the decorations even though I have an organization system in place.
The holidays are supposed to be filled with friends and family, yet all I want to really do is crawl under the covers or a blanket and watch Christmas movies.
I know that I cannot be the only one that feels this way!!
Anyone who has Medicare knows that this is the time for open enrollment. Some people just need to renew what they had or can change plans if they wish.
That is not the case for me and I imagine other people out there. I moved and now have to have a different plan because the one I had is not covered in the area that I moved too. The worst thing is that it looks like I have to switch all of my providers.
Maybe I will get lucky and they will understand mental illness and the medications that I am on. Maybe they will not look at me like everything I say is in my head. They will not dismiss me.
I am lucky to be able to have insurance. There are some people who do not and cannot get treatment, any treatment. Either they cannot afford it or have to pick and choose which doctors they go too.
Mental health is hard. One has to find the section of the plan and then hope that treatment is covered. I especially question the plans that provide 10 visits. Really, I see someone twice a week.
This country and the health care providers need to realize that mental illness is a long term diagnosis and needs more than a pill to fix. They hopefully will start supporting treatments that work and insurance companies will cover them.