I have PTSD and feel like a failure. I have tried to go back to school, only to have a physical or a mental wall bring me right back to where I have started. My memories are constantly with me no matter how much mindfulness I practice. I am scared to leave my house and am worried to be around other people. I guess one could say I have a pretty thick wall of protection.
Then there are other people with PTSD that seem to be able to tolerate their triggers and even live a life. What makes us different? Is it the age the trauma happened, the length of the trauma, the location of the trauma, the frequency of the trauma? I would love to know so that I can stop having so much anger and frustration at myself.
I want to know how to get through something that is so shameful and that I feel guilty about. Losing time as days go by is not helpful. Isolating myself is only helping to put a bandaid on the problem.
Right now, I am mad at myself. I hate that I do not feel strong enough to go through the crap and come out the other side. I have more physical scars that do not even come close in number to the mental scars. The scars that have left me isolated and self harming.
While I wish to be one of those people who recovers and moves on I am afraid that I am stuck and cannot move. Instead of moving forward the storm just seems to stay.