Where Do You Want to Go?

The above question was asked by my therapist. I loved nursing school and caring for others, yet my body would not let me finish. When I am out and hear someone speak negatively about someone who may be struggling I get upset and often say something.

I would like to work with addicts. People with addiction, often have trauma backgrounds and often need more than one round of treatment to recover. Recovery can be a life long struggle and can follow them so that they have problems with custody or employment.

I understand that. Having a mental illness has given me a different perspective. I have been in the hospital many times. Every time for a different reason. I have had to fight for my children because of my diagnosis. I have scars that I cannot erase and show even when it is not the best time. I have been asked to leave a graduate program because of my illness. I know about stereotypes and can empathize.

So, now I have to complete my research and see what I need to do to complete training and get a license to practice. This is what I wanted to do prior to moving. So, how do I get well enough to leave the house and move forward? That would be the new question.

What to do About Treatment?

I was first admitted to the hospital and officially diagnosed 15 years ago. Since the, members of my treatment team have changed due to moves and insurance. At this time I have had the same treatment team for some time.

I just do not feel like they really care what I say anymore. They have been treating me for so long that they assume I will not act on anything that serious. I have even been told that I am an adult and can make the choice to self harm.

For the past few weeks I have wondered why I have even gone to treatment at all. Why am I going to get just a few prescriptions? Could I ween myself off of my meds?

My solution has been to stay in the house where I feel safe. At least here, I know that no one will want to engage in conversation or want to know more about me.

I question if I should get a different therapist. Do I really need someone who specializes in trauma or just someone who is willing to listen. If I have learned all of the Phase 1 treatment skills for trauma how is a trauma therapist who does not seem interested in my issues going to help me?

I need to figure out a solution to feeling unheard. I need to figure out what is best for me in the future.