Follow up

I saw the surgeon today for my follow up. He told me that still having pain and being tired three weeks out is normal.

He also said that I may never be able to eat the same way again. For some reason I am one of a small percentage whose digestive system changes after the surgery. I was already sensitive to milk. Now I cannot tolerate anything with milk or oil. Even meats are limited. I have decided to go vegan and see how that works out. Even the doctor said that it was a good idea.

So , apparently I have another few weeks to months of feeling bad and adjusting to my new digestive system.

Physically Healing Mentally Declining

My surgical wounds are almost entirely healed. I am finally able to do the things around the house like laundry. Tomorrow is my post operative appointment. Hopefully everything is fine and I will not have to go back.

I was supposed to have another procedure next month, yet I am putting it off until June. I am still trying to get used to the life changes after this procedure.

Mentally, I am not doing as well. It is hard to have to cut out so many foods from my diet. Cooking is triggering for me. I may have to start though. There are some easy recipes out there.

I still wake up in the morning with the cats and feed them. Then I cannot seem to keep my eyes open. I know that I should try to go for a walk or to the gym, yet I cannot seem to find the motivation. I also seem to be remembering more lately. Combined with the verification from my mother that I was really not wanted I think I just need some time to get my head around everything.

Part of me just needs to accept life as it is and stop worrying about everything that I have lost. I also need to stop worrying about if the kids will decide not to come over. That is not something that I can control.

It’s Really Over

My therapist recommended a book that I read and made a decision that I could not take care of my abusers or make arrangements for them when the time came. At least I thought that they may want to see me. Maybe I was overreacting in thinking that parents could hate or even resent their child. If I had any doubt at all that is gone.

My mother called the other day to tell me that they were ok after repeated messages had been left on her machine. She asked about only one of the three kids. The only one she has ever asked about or even wanted to watch. I asked if she would have lunch with me. I even offered to pick her up and stay near her home. She refused stating that she did not really eat anymore. The only person that she admitted to going out with was my father’s godson. When I asked about being their only living child, she started to talk about the two kids that she had lost and how they were the ones that she wanted. I almost think that they are glad not to have a relationship with me. They can be by themselves in their home like they always planned. They can ignore or even pretend that I do not exist. That is what they want.

That conversation confirmed everything that I have been saying in therapy. If I remember that correctly, then is everything else also correct about what they did? That is scary to think about in a that really happened to me sense. She clearly does not want anything to do with me. Why didn’t she just give me up at birth. Maybe we both would have had better and more productive lives.


At least I can write about recovery regarding my surgery last week. This week the pain is at least tolerable during the day. At night I still need to take Advil and Tylenol. The incisions are healing well and there are no issues there.

The hardest part has been the diet change. Who knew removing a gallbladder would change my entire way of eating. Cookies and cakes are out of the question. I had problems with dairy before, yet now it makes me so sick. And then there is candy. Easter is so hard!!! No peanut butter eggs or anything that contains fat.

I know that I will get used to all of this and that it could be so much worse than it has been. Now just to rest and heal. I want to do things that I know I cannot do yet. I keep having to look at the doctors instructions to remind myself that this is going to take some time.

At least I am home an the weather has been nice enough to be able to go out on the sun porch. That is for another post.

A Hospital Stay

Monday morning I woke up with the worst pain I have ever felt. By the time daylight came and my husband woke up it was unbearable. I went to the ER and after all kinds of tests, the doctors determined that my gallbladder had to be removed.

During the day is not that bad, yet at night I am in so much pain. I am glad that I have the cats. Ever since I came home, they have been around me. They make me feel better. Nothing like some animal healing.

I am hoping that I continue to get better. Today I am nauseated. It could be worse. At least I have something other than my mental health to focus on.

Invisible Illness

There are those illnesses that people can easily see. A person with a cold, a broken or sprained limb, a rash, etc… Then there are those illnesses which are invisible, yet just as debilitating and at times life threatening.

No one can see fibromyalgia or benign tumors that could be causing pain. The person walks around in pain or forgets because of an episode of fibrofog. Yet, even those hidden pains are at least medical issues. Invisible, painful and impacting a persons daily life. There are many other invisible illnesses that I have not mentioned.

Then there is mental illness. It is invisible, it lives inside the body eating away the body and its functions due the medications needed to maintain “normal”. Silence falls over and darkness sets in. The person attempts to hide their illness due to the social stigma. Rarely do people want to know how they are truly doing. It is thought that the person is unstable and even dangerous. It is the invisible illness that if it becomes known could drive away friends, family, or even cause the loss of a job. The scariest part of mental illness is that even though treatments are available, insurance sometimes does not cover them and the three visits a year that they may cover in some cases are not enough.

I believe that the invisible illnesses are the worst. Whether it is not being believed or the unknown, others seem more afraid of these. Maybe we need to share a little compassion with people. A person who seems to be moving slowly or cannot remember what was said to them the day before. Patience and empathy are difficult.

Why Us???

We moved last year. Prior to moving our air conditioning unit needed to be replaced. Now we have a heat pump and that really needs to be replaced. The people who lived here before us had the unit inside of their dog run and the urine has eaten away at the coils.

This is frustrating at this point. All of the carpet needed to be replaced because the dogs were allowed to use the inside of the house as a bathroom. Now this.

I feel backed into a corner because the heat pump is our air conditioning and heating. I am hoping that it may last a little longer with a less expensive repair. I want to begin a go fund me page or start a neighborhood collection. We have moved into the money pit. Or at least it feels like it today.

I realize that everyone has issues. Just between this and the health issues right now it seems overwhelming.