My therapist recommended a book that I read and made a decision that I could not take care of my abusers or make arrangements for them when the time came. At least I thought that they may want to see me. Maybe I was overreacting in thinking that parents could hate or even resent their child. If I had any doubt at all that is gone.
My mother called the other day to tell me that they were ok after repeated messages had been left on her machine. She asked about only one of the three kids. The only one she has ever asked about or even wanted to watch. I asked if she would have lunch with me. I even offered to pick her up and stay near her home. She refused stating that she did not really eat anymore. The only person that she admitted to going out with was my father’s godson. When I asked about being their only living child, she started to talk about the two kids that she had lost and how they were the ones that she wanted. I almost think that they are glad not to have a relationship with me. They can be by themselves in their home like they always planned. They can ignore or even pretend that I do not exist. That is what they want.
That conversation confirmed everything that I have been saying in therapy. If I remember that correctly, then is everything else also correct about what they did? That is scary to think about in a that really happened to me sense. She clearly does not want anything to do with me. Why didn’t she just give me up at birth. Maybe we both would have had better and more productive lives.