For me, medication has helped. My medications have taken the edge off of my symptoms and allowed me to be present when I would have been to anxious to even try to participate. They have helped with my depression, anxiety, and eating disorder symptoms.
I also take medication for my fibromyalgia. The medication allows me to live with less pain and to tolerate walking short distances. Also, I can sleep through the night without crying out from back pain.
All medications have side effects and some have withdrawal symptoms. If the pharmacy does not have the medication in stock, then I go through withdrawal. No one is to blame. I cannot get my meds filled until I am out and then if that medication is not in stock the withdrawal symptoms hit. I wish that we had a system which would let a patient know where the nearest pharmacy was that their medications were available. I am pretty sure I am not the only one with this problem.
Abuse takes so much from any person. My abuse took my ability to make my own choices. I was told what to like. My abusers told me what color, foods, classes, college major, and even where I should live. This has been detrimental as an adult. When anyone asks me where I want to go eat, I have a panic attack. I am always scared of upsetting the other person. What I have learned is that saying that all the time frustrates the other person, yet I cannot seem to stop doing it.
Then there are memories of college majors. I was fine at regurgitating information. I often thought that I failed exams to find out later that I passed. I had a problem when I would have to complete a task with another person. Whether that be nursing or making a lesson plan. I could not come up with my own thoughts and even when I did, I felt like I was a failure.
I know that this is something that I need to work on in therapy and it is not going to be easy.
There are supposedly levels of treatment for PTSD. The first is to become safe and stable. To learn to use coping skills. Cognitive behavioral therapy and dialectical behavioral therapy seem to be the two main treatments, although there are others.
Then, there is apparently a second phase where the actual traumatic events are processed. Today, I happened to see an add for one of these treatment centers. They have been featured as a place for those on the show Intervention to go. They are one of a few treatment centers that does processing. They are also expensive and only take very few insurances.
They actually replied to my post today stating that they would help me to find comparable treatment if I called them. Funny, all of the comparable treatment centers do not accept my insurance. I feel like I am stuck. Why can’t some of these centers have a sliding scale? I feel like I am stuck in my treatment and need to immerse myself in phase 2’in order to progress in therapy.
I am sure that I am not the only one out there struggling with treatment and insurance. It is hard to be treated sometimes no matter how much one may want it.
Finally, the surgeries are over for the summer. Yesterday, went better then expected, although I am tired today and am having some after effects. Both of those should go away soon.
Next, is to try to switch over to a new antidepressant. Fingers crossed that the side effects are minimal and that this medication works out. The real plus is that I can take it at night with my other medications.
The other aspect that I need to work on is my binging. I really need to get on a routine and stop using food to deal with my emotions. That sounds so easy, yet it is hard to do. I found a support group and a lot of them use the same app that I am trying. It seems like it is going well for them.
I am also looking forward to the kids coming the last week of this month and the first weeks of July. We plan on going to the pool and just relaxing. Both of them will be in high school next year. They should be able to relax and have fun doing what they want. They deserve some time off.
Am I screwing everything and everyone around me up? Am I just a burden? How am I going to get through the next five minutes? Can I handle the rest of the day? Do I really need that appointment, I really would like to cancel.
That has been my thought process for over a week now. I have always been anxious yet it seems to be getting worse and prevent what little life I have to begin to dwindle down to nothing.
It is like every self loathing comment has surfaced. Every negative comment said to me is being repeated over and over in my mind. It is like my mind is ready to deal with these things, yet part of it is saying that it is still to much to go through.
Anxiety is not fun and invades life at the worst moments sometimes causing me to freeze where I am and forget everything that I was doing before that moment happened. There is more than just feeling on edge and my heart pounding. Everything seems to close in until I do not even fit in the scene.
I am seeing the doctor today and hope that he can help. I do not want to keep feeling like everything is dropping out from under me.
Summer is upon us. Pools are already open to reveal us in swimsuits. Most summers, I was ok with how I looked. Mind you, it was not perfect, yet I was happy. My swimsuit fit well and I loved getting in the water. I did not care who looked at me.
This summer is different. I have tried to stop cutting and burning. Food seems to have filled the hole that those left. For a while, the binging was so bad that I would go to bed sick, yet I would do it all over again the next day. Before I knew it, I could not believe the amount of weight that I had put on.
Now, I am embarrassed to get into a bathing suit. I know that I need to work on getting back into shape and that it will take time. Part of me just thinks that it is about going and having fun with my family. Another part of me wonders what that same family will be thinking.
All that I can do for this summer is work with what I have. I am going to keep trying to eat healthy and work out.