Really Struggling *Trigger Warning*

I have been trying to hold it together and now I feel like I am coming apart at the seams . There were the thoughts of self harm that slowly crept their way back into my mind. Then I began to have trouble focusing and concentrating on things like tv and reading. I found that I could not remember what I had just did or said. I have been more moody than usual and have no desire to do any activity.

My treatment team has been attempting to treat me outpatient. That normally works. If I go into the hospital, I potentially lose my kids again. Now I feel like I have to choose between my kids and my health.

I am having trouble doing the simplest things. I cannot drive without trouble because I cannot focus. I want help and am not sure what to do! The driving is affecting my ability to get to outpatient treatment. I just want some help right now. I have called my treatment team, yet they have yet to call me back.

So right now I sit here waiting and attempting to stay safe until someone can help.

A Great Day

Yesterday, we spayed our cat. She is six months old and I was so worried because she had been diagnosed with a heart murmur only 3 months before. The great news is that she no longer has a murmur. She did wonderfully yesterday and was eating by the time we arrived home.

She slept in bed with me last night. I am so lucky to have three wonderful cats who are so affectionate. As someone who grew up with dogs, I have found that my true calling is as a cat lover💕

Another Doctor!!!

A therapist, psychiatrist, general physician, and other specialists. Countless blood tests, MRI’s and other tests. Most come back normal. Some have shown things that do not relate to any of my symptoms.

Now, they want me to see a behavioral therapist. How will that help? Maybe I just need to give it a chance.

I am just tired of doctors who seem to be able to say I am sorry, yet I cannot help you out. Maybe one day that will change??

September Issues *Trigger Warning*

Most years, since 2004, I have gone into the hospital in September. I begin to have more nightmares and flashbacks. My coping skills seem to evaporate. Many times I self harm.

This has been one of the worst years. I am beginning to clearly remember things that were fuzzy. Instances of trauma have been verified. I feel trapped in my own skin without a way out.

Those closest to me have no idea what to do and are overwhelmed with what they are seeing. They want to help. I just cannot seem to catch the life preserver being thrown and at times handed to me.

For the first time in a long time I am scared how the rest of the month will go. I do not want to make a choice that will negatively impact those around me. For right now, everyday is a struggle.

Is Medication the Solution

I have physical as well as mental diagnoses. Over the years I have taken many medications. Some have worked, while other have not. Some have not had any side effects, and others have left me feeling worse than when I started.

For better or worse I need them to feel even some semblance of normal. I moved a while back and the state that I am in now is very strict about controlled substances. I am glad that they are looking out for people, yet I have been on the same controlled substances for seven years.

What people who do not take some of these medications do not realize is that they have withdrawal effects. Stomach pains, nausea, cold sweats, and other unpleasant ailments.

Why can the medical field not come up with something more permanent or at least does not have withdrawal symptoms?

Movies Should Come with Warnings for Those with Mental Illnesses **Trigger Warning**

It Chapter Two came out in theaters this weekend. It was highly anticipated and is receiving mixed reviews on social media.

Going into the movie I had read the book and watched the TV version. I was prepared for a suicide scene. What I was not prepared for was the note that comes up that the end of the movie.

Suicidal thoughts are real for some people. Some of those people feel as if those around them would be better off without them. Others feel like they are alienated.

I felt the note glorified an act that was already explained. Some movies need to come with warnings. If I had known of the plot deviation, I may not have chosen to see the movie. Instead, I was not allowed the choice to not see the movie.’I cannot undo what has been done, yet maybe I can get others to rally for including scenes that may negatively impact someone with a mental illness to make the choice for themselves.

From now on, I think I am going to stick to kids movies and leave the rest to view at home.

The In Between ** May Trigger**

Over 10 years of therapy and relatively nothing has changed. Treatment resistant, medication resistant, unable to assist. All of those have been written on my paperwork.

I told my therapist the other day that I want to die, yet no way of dying is 100%. It has been suggested that I get out and join a club. I tried a book club. The book had to many triggers and the discussion was even worse. Child abuse, spousal abuse, and substance abuse were all a part of the book.

Then I am told to go out and do normal activities. I have panic attacks at the store that leave me frozen and feeling like the store is closing in around me. I always feel like I will be attacked at places that do not have many people around like gas stations. My vocal cords seem to freeze up when I want to ask for something.

I have resorted to buying things online. Even then, I do not answer the door when the doorbell rings because I am scared of who may be on the other side. I feel like people can tell I am damaged by the way that I shake and avoid eye contact.

Then there is the anger that can be activated at any time. This is not normal anger. I am afraid I will actually hurt someone else. Anything can set off the anger and once it begins I have trouble stopping.

Where is my place in society? What do I do if I cannot leave the house and am scared to hurt people? How do I perform everyday tasks while the space is closing in on me and I am shaking to the point of just wanting to sit and scream for help?

How do I begin to work through this? When are my thoughts not automatically going to go to not existing? Who am I ? All of these are questions that I need to answer, yet do not seem to know how.

One of the Worst Days of the Year

Most children are going back to school today. Parents will post first day photos on Facebook in front of banners, in t-shirts, in front of school friends, etc. They will write about preparations for the day.

As a non-custodial parent, today feels like a failure. There are no opportunities for photos because I live to far away. I do not know my kids friends because I rarely see them with any of them.’no conversations about who is in their classes and what their day was like will take place.

My ex does not even send me a photo of the ones that may be taken, Now that they are older, I have come to peace with this day. Yet, it is still difficult to see photos. Today, I do not know what my kids are wearing to school or even if they made it to the bus on time.

For me and I am sure for others in my situation this has become our norm. Being excluded from some of the most important events and days in a child’s life.

Is the Legal System Really Doing What “Is in the best interest of the child”?? *May Trigger*

A non-custodial parent. That is what I became with a signature from the court. I had a mental illness and a free attorney. They other side had one of the best attorney’s around and financial backing.

When it all began, I did not think that I would lose the kids that I had stayed home with and had raised. I trusted the judicial system to be fair and to listen to all sides. Boy, was I mistaken.

It started from the beginning. No one wanted to believe that someone who saved others for a living would abuse their wife and kids. On top of that, he came from money and had a lot of support. Even though there were pictures of bruising, the court seemed to look over them.

This is all coming from a place of reflection. At the time, I was lead to believe that he was the better parent. That he could provide for them and was more stable.

I on the other hand was left to pick up the fractured pieces. I was trying to keep the symptoms of my mental illnesses at bay while going through one of the most stressful times in my life.

My children were all under the age of 8 at the time. The court had appointed someone to look out for their best interest. Except, the home visits never happened and I am not sure that she ever even met with the kids. He took them to a therapist that he paid for and the court believed that she was impartial. The final decision was made based on much of her opinions.

The kids are grown at this point. They are leading lives and dreams of the future. What is scary is what I recently learned from them. Out of the blue they began to describe that time period. I heard of threats, beatings where they could not sit down, and many other things that if the court had known may of made joint custody or more possible. They were little kids who were scared to tell the truth for the fear of what could happen to them.

How many other little kids are out there and are scared to tell the truth? How many courts will not accept the photos of bruises and fail to follow up when a parent says that there is clearly something wrong? Why is having an illness looked at as a weakness?

I realize that I need to be a voice for all of the kids who are scared. All of the kids who will not come forward because they are being threatened. It is happening across the country. Maybe, I cannot change my past, but change someone else’s future. The courts need to listen to the kids. They need to not think that money is everything and look at the relationships the child has with each parent. Threats need to be prevented as much as possible. Maybe if that would have happened, my children would have had it differently.