It all started with a call on a Saturday afternoon that my dad was in the hospital. The doctors did not expect him to make it. After not seeing him for at least 5 years, I went to the hospital to say a final goodbye.
My mother was pissed that I was even visiting him. The next day she called me for a ride to the hospital and now she has some how slithered her way back into my life. She calls at least 4 times a week. Often it is to relive my father’s final months and days.
I am not dealing well with my own grief. I am like a zombie, barely functioning. I cannot handle her. On top of that one of my child.has began to self harm. They are stressed about how my mother treats me. They feel like she hurts more than helps.
Two weeks ago one of my parents died. I did not even know that they were sick until I got a call one night saying that they were dying. I went to the hospital to find a shell of a person who had trouble even making a sentence. Four days later, I was there when they took their last breath.
The person who died was one of my abusers. Not as bad as some others, yet still an abuser. Their words and actions caused me to feel worthless and invisible. I was never good enough for them and they always expected more.
Then there were the good memories with this person. The time that they backed me up when an admissions counselor told me that I was unable to do something. The times that they took me for ice cream or helped me with my homework. This person taught me how to drive when no one else would get into a car with me.
When they took their last breath, it was as if they went into a void. If that is the case, it makes me wonder why I am struggling everyday to not even have much of a life. My self harm and suicidal impulses are so high. I have been able to contract for safety from therapy appointment to appointment. It is hard though. I have lost all motivation and energy. I want to be anywhere but in the present.
I have been told that this will get better. I am not so sure. All I see is that shell of a person taking their last breath.