Another Birthday

As a kid, birthdays were supposed to be fun. Kids in my class would have parties and invite almost the entire class. I did not get an invitation. I soon learned that I was never going to be invited to a party.

This started the years when I was just quiet and tried as much as I could to be invisible. This continued pretty much through high school and college. I did not make friends and through the years the number of friends that I have I can count on one hand.

This year with COVID, I actually feel normal for the first time. No one is having parties. People are having small dinners and get togethers. For once i I fit into the norm. A small dinner and cake with a few people is just right .

There is No Such Thing as a Simple Doctors Visit

Why does a person need all of these tests if they have any symptoms of an illness??? I really do not want nursing staff asking personal questions and then giving me the look.

We all know that look. How many medications we are taking or how many hospitals we have been in. Then there are the coexisting health issues that each doctor has to double and triple check. Why would I need to make up anything else and why would I want too?

Then there are the questions that they think they know the answers too. Substance use. Again, why? In fact I would get better inpatient treatment if I had that issue!! At least they disscuss the reasons that one has become reliant on self-medication.

By the time the doctor actually comes into the room, they go through a big sigh and make a big deal of sitting down. Don’t they know that I can tell they are not my therapist. I want to talk about the problem that brought me to this person. My psychiatric problems are handled by others, et they insist on asking about personal issues. I have learned to stay quiet. Normally, there is only a 15 minute time slot anyway.

Maybe if you read this, you will be able to laugh the next time at the doctors 🙂

Feeling Separated

Having complex PTSD is so hard. I feel like every program that I have been is focuses on safety and stabilization. That is where the programs that most insurances pay for end. Now, I am supposed to go home by myself and work with my therapist.

Why are there not support groups for us? There are not enough therapists who understand this diagnosis. The result is that there are not enough treatment centers. All I want is to be with other people who need to learn to express themselves. To have a safe way of processing my story and share other’s experiences of life with this diagnosis.

I just want to be able to feel normal. I want to meet others who share these feelings and experiences.