Disclosure: this is not a topic that I would normally write about, yet I need to put the thoughts down.
My husband and I have been growing apart for some time. It has been a long time since there has been any sort of intimacy ( kissing, hugging, not even talking about sex). Recently, he has become even more like a roommate, only talking about what needs to be done and who will complete the task.
Yes, I have PTSD, yet I am also a person and would like to feel like another is attracted to me and wants to spend time with me. For those who do not agree with alternative lifestyles, you may want to stop reading.
A little over a month ago, I brought up the idea of an open marriage. Even 5 years ago I would have told someone thinking this that they were crazy. I may have even thought less of them. I feel bad for judging others with very little information.
I want us both to be happy and get our emotional as well as other needs met. Realistically, neither of us is completely meeting the needs of the other. Being in a house with a person with a mental illness has to be difficult. Therapy was over telehealth and things are heard, habits are noticed more, and then there is being in the same area 24/7.
I have been talking to someone who I am interested in, yet because of my mental health and physical issues, I am terrified of rejection. It is hard to put myself out there. Any person is going to see the scars from my self harm that are like a neon sign on my arm. Can anybody even get past those to begin to get to know me? Will they think of me as “crazy”?
Maybe I am making to much of those thoughts, yet they are there. How do I explain that yes I have kids, yet they live with their dad and not all of them speak to me. Even writing this I feel like a train wreck. Maybe someone will be able to understand that I have a therapist to discuss my issues with. I have given this a lot of thought and research before bringing it up to my spouse. Will a person be willing to take a chance?
Again, this is not what I usually write. Later this week, there will be a post on my therapist’s newest find: shadow work!!