The picture above is an accurate representation of how my heart feels. When I was little, my mother made no secret of her negative feelings toward me. To her, I was a mistake that she should have aborted.
Later in childhood, she took me away from my aunt and great grandmother who I considered my moms. They took great care of me and seemed to make the days fun. Instead, I was not able to see either of them before they died. I hate that I could not have one more conversation with them.
Kids at school bullied me constantly. Going to school was torture. I knew that from the time the first bell rang until the time I arrived home, the other students were going to say hurtful and mean comments.
In high school, every girl seemed to have dates to dances. They had boyfriends or guys that liked them. I watched as they talked about going out with friends on the weekends. I was at home. It was like I could never seem to fit in no matter how much I tried.
My first marriage ended with me losing my three children and seeing them for less than 2 months of the year. Up until that time, I was a stay at home mon who took them to school, speech therapy, and was by their side when they needed surgery. After months of negotiations, I could not handle what was happening. I signed an agreement that I regret to this day.
Fast forward to my second marriage. Maybe I realized to late that it was falling apart. That he no longer wanted to spend time with me. Now, I have become a ghost in the house. Rarely having any communication.
How many more pieces can my heart be broken into? I am not sure how much more I can take and I am scared that I will do something stupid to relieve all of the feelings of abandonment that have been with me since I was a little girl.