Feeling Terrible

My body is not doing what I think it should. It is hard having the background that I do and then going intone room full of mirrors where I need to look at myself. I am trying to look at it as a challenge, yet it is hard to do. 

It is easier to find all of the things that are wrong or remember what was said. There are times when it is impossible to get out from the messages of the past. They figuratively and literally weigh me down.

I just want to go home and skip my afternoon class. That would be wrong. I am just not sure I can get through it today. On a good day it is hard to get through and today is not good. But, I am a rule followerer. I will go to class and be miserable. Then I will be able to go home and have some time to myself. Maybe I need to do some art today or journal without second guessing myself.

Time to go!! Wish me luck for the rest of the afternoon.

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Yet Another Week

What did I do to myself this week? Because of my symptoms, I limit the number of activities I do in a day. I cannot mentally or physical calmly just keep going from one place to another.

I just looked at my planner and realized that for the next three days, I am constantly on the go. I am looking forward to trying to take a break between some of them.

Then there is therapy. Sometimes I feel so overwhelmed. My assignment this week seems impossible. How can one person replace or help out the same way as another person. Especially when the two are polar opposites.

One thing at a time!!

Where did the Time Go?

It seems like only yesterday that my kids were little. They wanted me to get them lunch, read them stories, check for monsters under the bed, and help them out.  Sometimes there were nightmares at night or a drink of water. All I seemed to hear was mom.

Last year was hard. Due to my mental illness, I almost lost having weekends with my kids. Over the year, they grew and matured and I was not there for it.

I am happy to say that today I see my kids again. They have grown so much and can do almost everything on their own. For the most part, they do not need any help. They even entertain themselves. I need to get used to this. At least they still want a hug goodnight. Just not a story. 

I know that one day, not to long from now, they will be able to decide if they want to see me. They will be driving and going off on their own. That is scary!! I can only hope that the bond that I have with them is strong enough to push through and stand the test of time.

Feeling Off

Today, I just cannot seem to get myself together. At least I ran some errands that I needed to. In some ways I feel as if I am just pushing myself to hard. With my fibromyalgia, my body can only handle so much before all I want to is sleep.

With the PTSD, I am trying to work on getting out of the house and always having to do things the “right” way. 

Right now, I am feeling like a failure. Why do I want to do things, yet my body and mind seem to fight me. I used to be able to push through. Not anymore. It seems to all catch up with me way to quickly.

Losing an Important Person **May Trigger**

This past week, I learned that someone that has been a important part of life is no longer going to be there. I understand the reasons why and that it is better for them.

The other part is that I feel like I will not find another person in my life to support me in the same way. This person just “gets” me in a way most people do not. They have become the person that I can confide in without even a second thought. Without them, I am scared that I will start self-harming. My eating disorder impulses are already stronger.

It is up to me to stay strong through all of this and not make bad choices that will result in me going to the hospital. Plus, if I go into the hospital , then my ex could try to take my kids away again and I do not want that to happen.

Snow, snow, go away

I like snow. It is pretty and makes a beautiful picturesque world. The thing that could cannot stand is that school is cancelled. I really wanted to have class today. 

Keeping to a routine is important for me. Today just puts a wrinkle in my routine. Luckily, I have work that I can do at home for class and can take some extra time to maybe start on the cleaning for this weekend.

Valentine’s Weekend

I am lucky. I have a husband who is thoughtful and generous on Valentine’s Day. He is also supportive of me through all of my crazy ideas.

Even though I have arthritis, fibromyalgia, and a slew of other physical ailments, he still supports me wanting to get a degree in dance. 

Just two months ago the only time that I left my house was to go to a therapy appointment or to go to my dance class that is less than a 5 minute drive from home.

Because of his support, I am going to school, have gotten active again in a local nonprofit, and am thinking of the future(more than 2 days from now).

This Sunday may just be a day on the calendar, yet it represents an attitude from someone in my life who is encouraging and loving.

Even if there is not anyone there this weekend. Please love and respect yourself. Maybe do something that you like to do.

Cold is not Cool

Today is another cold day around here. My bones and energy levels know it. Well, maybe everything is not the cold.

I have fibromyalgia and am trying to take 3 dance classes a week. My mind wants to take them and more. My body is another story. I slept all day yesterday because I was just plain exhausted.

Then there is class. I get stressed because I do not think I am doing the right things. Because I am so worried about that, I miss questions and instructions. Not to mention just leaving the house causes me to panic. 

I am going to keep trying to get through this one day at a time.

Another Week

My second week of class starts today. In some ways I am glad that I am getting out of the house and getting out of my comfort zone.

I still do not feel comfortable around all of the people on campus. I get to school early to mentally prepare myself to go into class. I have also been having problems sleeping lately .

One step at a time. At least that is what I tell myself.

At Least I Tried

For the past two years I have been in and out of the hospital. Recently, I have started to try a few new things. Today, I auditioned for my school’s dance team. Jus getting up and out the door was a huge accomplishment.

Unfortunately, I did not make the team. 13 people auditioned and 10 made it onto the team. I am still going to pursue the dance degree that is not tied to performing. It is something that I have always wanted to do. Who knows? Maybe I will try again to make the team in the fall. Then again, I like being able to take a dance class and learn about the body in relation to dance.