A Long Year

I have not written is quite a while. The last year has been crazy. I went through a huge battle to continue visitation with my kids.

It all started last January when I went into the hospital. My ex decided that it would be a good time to try to take my kids away from me. After court, lawyers, and over half of the year, we finally sat down and made an agreement. Last weekend was the second weekend that I was able to see my children overnight. 

They have grown so much and I feel like time has flown by. They are no longer dependent on me for everything and do their own thing most of the time. I am lucky though. They still like to cuddle and watch a movie or on a rare occasion they ask me for help.

As far as my PTSD. I tried to go back to work. I actually got a job, yet those inner thoughts of incompetence and worthlessness consumed me. Soon, I could not focus at work and was having a hard time even doing the little things without feeling frustrated.

Eventually, I stopped working. I want to work, yet there are so many issues from the past that are affecting today. It is going to take time to work through all of them.

**May Trigger** treatment woes 

So, I am now in day treatment. I just want it to be over. It sucks hearing the same stuff that I hears and did not connect with in inpatient. The funny thing is I do not know if I want to get better if I have to do all of this. I rather just keep going my way. There are so many meal plans out there. Why is this one right?

What Comes Around

for the past two months I have not seen my kids.  It is not that I do not want too. My ex feels it is better this way. Personally, my mental health is ok right now. It is just that he has more documents from his lawyer. I want to see how that works out.

Then there is the part where my eating has been messed up and I need to go back into the hospital. More time away from my family. Luckily it will only be about a month.

All of this has caused a lot of stress. Some of it I can divide and deal with other parts are overwhelming. How did things get like this. Take a little from here and there and soon one is spread to thin. That is where I am at. I am hoping that the next thirty days help.

Middle of the Night

It is 12:30am am i am up. why? Because i ate way to much last night. I knew that I was doing it when I did it. At the time it relieved the stress that I was having and made me feel better. Not so much right now. Now, i have a stomach ache and cannot sleep. The food always wins. Whether it is not feeling welll or a couple of pounds on the scale.

So what preceded this? I have been served with court documents from my ex that he only wants me to have supervised visits with the kids. //talk about stress and a whole lot of other emotions that i am not comfortable with.

My body automatically goes to food to make me feel better. Even though i know how to eat right and should be doing that. Any advice out there on how to beat these cravings and live a somewhat normal life that food does not control??

No Hospital!!

Today is the third time in a row that I have visited my psychiatrist and have not been put into the hospital. Maybe, I am actually stable for once.

I started dancing again last night. It felt great to be back doing something I love with people I know.

Still processing trauma in between. Learning that it is going to be a long road. Right now I will enjoy where I am.

Kid Trouble

Really it is more like ex-husband trouble. Even though there is an agreement, he seems to want to get out of it every weekend.

This should have been the last weekend of me seeing the kids for only one day. Instead, I cannot see them on Saturday when he could drop them off and even though there are 3 other adults in the house no one can drop them off on Sunday.

Picking them up sounds like an easy solution. Between tolls and gas, money is an issue. Not to mention the round trip is over two hours itself.

I just feel like I cannot get ahead. Even though my ex makes these agreements, he refuses to follow them. In his eyes, I should only be able to see the kids while he is working.

All of this because I have a mental illness that I needed treatment for. Even in the hospital, I called the kids every night, now, I feel like I am being punished for getting help .

A Good Weekend

This past weekend, I was able to see my kids. Sometimes, I feel like a horrible mom because of my illness and hospitalizations.

The kids always surprise me by telling me that they love me and giving me hugs. They still accept me, flaws and all.

I always think that I don’t know them as well as I want too. We were watching TV and I suggested a show that I thought my oldest might enjoy. Turns out, not only did he enjoy the show bit his brother was interested as well.

Turns out, the weekend was a success. I don’t know what will happen in the future. Maybe the kids will be angry that I was not always there, yet for now, they still want to see me and take me for me.

Out of Control ***TRIGGER WARNING ***

Nightmares and flashbacks are all part of PTSD. My marriage is starting to crumble because of them. Once my husband is up, he cannot get back to sleep. I ‘m waking up around one in the morning.

In therapy, I am working on processing these memories. Last night, my husband found me in the bathroom screaming curled into a ball in the fetal position.

He cannot keep up with all of this. First a separate room. Now what?? I’m not doing any of this because I want too. The good news is that I have not self harmed.

The nightmares are just getting worse. They are going down this dark path that exists even after I wake. Facing them in therapy has helped, yet I can only get through so much at once.

I do not want to lose my marriage, yet I cannot change the horrors that happened. I have a feeling that last night will not be the last where I wake screaming.

Eating Disorder

I have been at a residential eating disorder center for a month. Now, I have started days. This is like another planet. They do not have anything for trauma or emotional eating.

I feel like an outsider. People were joking about a suicide last night. I cannot take anymore of this!! There needs to be someone out there that understands!!

Hospital Trouble

I know what my diagnoses are and I am comfortable, to a point, with them. I have accepted that I am mentally ill and need treatment.

Currently, parts are having issues with food. A locked unit is not an option at this point. We started to look for residential treatment. We thought that if a hospital treated both eating and trauma that they would accept us.

We were so wrong!!! We have been turned down by hospitals because of the DID diagnosis. We guess that even among the mental health community we are to different.

For one treatment center, I needed to see a doctor and get some tests done. After trying to get an appointment for over a week, I saw a medical doctor yesterday. My scars flipped him out! He actually left the room and they are no worse than anyone may have if they do not self- harm.

A 15 minute appointment turned into 2 hours Nd suddenly he had turned from medical doctor to therapist. All he needed to do was take my pulse and listen to my heart. I told him that I have a therapist and that is what they do.

So, after being turned down by centers, I am down to two. Hopefully one will take me. I really do not want to have to go through another phone assessment again!! Crossing my fingers that this week will end with an a acceptance to treatment. I feel like I am back applying for colleges. I never knew that I could be rejected by psychiatric facilities!! Another lesson:-)