It is only the third week of class. I feel like I can barely keep my head above water between the readings and papers. All of my papers are due in the first two months of class. This is not an easy schedule with therapy twice a week and seeing my psychiatrist.
Then there is waking up early on Monday to get the kids to school. They want to come for their optional weekends. The only issue is balancing time with them and school. I really want to spend more time with them, yet I have so much work.
Therapy has become more challenging. We need all parts to begin to work with our therapist, yet all are not sure how they feel about “coming out” to him and revealing who we all are. That will make us vulnerable. Are we ready for that?
At least I will have time to work on my paper this evening. I also somehow need to complete all of my readings for tomorrow!!
Overwhelmed!!! I can ask for an extension due to my 504, yet I feel like I should be able to do this like everyone else without turning assignments in late. Maybe I just need to accept that I am going to need a little help to get through this.
Today is just beginning. At least I have arrived safely from the parking garage! One item down for the day.
Somehow I survived my first week of field and class. I am trying to take it one step at a time. I make lists of everything I have to do and then cross each off as I do it. This gives me a sense of accomplishment. Field is hard. There are points where I feel like I have not received the training and struggle.
The kids first week went well. So far, they like all of their teachers and have their friends. I have already received a frantic call about homework and was able to help over the phone. I will see them soon and I cannot wait to hear more details.
I am now having therapy twice a week since my psychiatrist decided he only wanted to manage my medications not my parts. My therapist is helping. He reassures me all of the time that what I am going through is normal and has assisted in helping me with reality testing .
Home life is ok. My husband and I arely at home. We are both so tired by the end of the day that we wind up just going to sleep.
The good news is that I am taking my medications. I am waking up and getting a little more sleep at night. The only problem are the mightMares that wake me up in the middle of the night.
Today is my first day of field. I am sick and excited all at the same time. I am scared to be here for an entire day. Normally, I can only go about 4 hours and then I will begin to fall apart. Hopefully, I can keep it together.
I have PRN’s, yet I am worried about taking them because they make me sleepy. This is going to be such a challenge.
The kids were over this weekend. My oldest moved downstairs and my youngest got a bigger room. They were happy. Now they each have a tv and either an x-box or a blue ray.
I have had to increase therapy to twice a week. My psychiatrist had stated that he is not going to do parts work with me. I really wonder why he went into trauma to begin with if he wanted to keep a huge divide between him and his patients. My therapist was great about finding an extra time for me to come each week. I am going to need something with all of this stress.
This really is one hour at a time. Then onto class this evening. At least I have off tomorrow. That should help with the stress and the sleep. Now just to see how today goes!
I made it to the building! That is the first hurdle of the day. Now to make it through the first class. Luckily, I have had this in undergrad, so it is not completely new. My hands are shaking and my heart is racing. I need to take a PRN and calm down or I am not going to remember anything from class.
I got here early so that I can get a seat in order to best record the class. This should not bring up to much past trauma. The class this afternoon may be a different story. Then we need to talk about development. I have to stop thinking of myself as just my illness. Before I became ill, I was capable of functioning. I need to slowly learn how to get back to that place.
Sitting in an auditorium getting ready for orientation, I feel like people can tell that I am different. I did not sleep last night because I was so anxious about today. I tried to purchase my books early to get ahead only to find out that two days ago two of the books were changed. Maybe I can sell the rest online. My anxiety is at a 10. There is just so much noise.
I am going to have to take this one day and maybe even one hour or minute at a time. There is so much work that I cannot wait to be able to place due dates on my calendar. At least then I can get a look at the big picture.
Today, I went to school to pick up my parking permit. According to the orientation packet I was supposed to go in person. First, I do not like driving in the area and I do not like to park in a parking garage. Then I have to walk through traffic and people to get to the building. My anxiety is already through the roof and my heart is pounding. Then, I get into the building and need to interact with a security guard. I have a fear with police. After that, I went to the office to get a parking permit as the orientation letter stated.
When I asked about the permit for the semester, I was told that I needed to complete the form on the computer and come back to pick up the permit. Umm, let me see, I drove here, walked to the building, came through security, and now I am being told to go home and fill out the form online so I can come back another day and pick up the permit. I became irate and had a meltdown in the office. If a parking permit is this hard, how is the rest of the semester going to go??
My anxiety is so bad at this point. I am scared that I am not going to fit in or say the wrong thing. Words tend to come out and then I think. It needs to be the other way around. I sent my disability letter to my professors. Are they going to think anything different about me? What about field? My instructor knows about my diagnosis. Is that going to be used against me or will that not matter? How am I going to get all of this done. What is bad is that the semester has not even started and I am freaking out.
I have one more week until school begins. Luckily, I was able to get all of the accommodations for my disability. That makes me feel better about class. I am still skeptical about parking. So me of the areas near the school are sketchy. I think the anxiety about parking is worse than my anxiety about clinical at this time.
The kids are back with their dad for right now. I am going to try to complete some me prep work for this semester. We had a good time over their visit. I like having time with them. I get to see how they are during the day and what they really do all day.
Today, I have my appointment with my psychiatrist. We do not see things the same way. I think I am more upset after the visit them before I go in. This person tries, they just do not seem to get it. Even when I say how I am doing I am not believed. There is no trust there!
I met with the liaison from the student disabilities office today. She was nice and seemed to think that all of my accommodations could be met next semester. There is still so much doubt that even with the modifications I may not be able to do this. There was a question about extended support. I do not have any. The best that I can do is to email my therapist.
Today, I took a chance and showed my therapist my artwork. He was able to see the maps that we had done and drawings that we have made. We feel like we are on the cusp of a breakthrough. We have been holding so much in for so long. Those that say that we cannot talk or that what we have to say is stupid or will not be believed. Our therapist ensured us again that anything that we say is confidential and acceptable.
I hate driving to this campus. Two years and it will be over. Two years which seem like I surmountable mountains ahead of me. I took a step today and I will take more over the next few weeks.
I cannot believe that it is already August. School is going to start for me in less than a month. I am so nervous about my memory issues and my social fears. As I always write, I will take it one day at a time and keep the blog up to date.
We just returned from a camping trip with the kids. We had an air conditioned cabin and it was only a short walk to the bathroom, store, and pool. That was good for me since I cannot walk very far without pain and fatigue. The kids liked playing in the pool, building campfires, and using the porch swing. This was the first time that we have all been away together.
Therapy is going ok. I wish that I could get more accomplished in one hour than I do. Somehow I feel like there is so much more to say. I am worried that there are issues that are going to arise in field placement this fall. I guess that is why I have weekly appointments. I am going to need them to deal with all of the personal issues that will arise. Funny, social workers always discuss secondary trauma. What if you already have PTSD? Is the experience different?
July was a good month to relax. This month I am attempting to make social, biological, and social charts for each stage of development. I want something to refer to to write reports for clinical and papers for class. I am taking it slowly and should be finished by the beginning of the semester.
Just a question for anyone to respond too. Are there any books that anyone would recommend for teens who are having a rough time. It would be great if the books referenced an oppressed or minority population. I want to have some suggestions to run past my field supervisor for the kids that I will be working with.
My husband graduated with his Master’s in math and is going to begin teaching this semester. I am so excited that his dream of becoming a college professor is coming true. I saw how hard he worked and what it is going to take to get my Masters degree. I hope I have the mental stamina to keep up with the pace!!
Tomorrow begins the first official on campus step of the semester. I need to go to the disability office to meet with an advisor to determine what modifications that I will need for the upcoming semester. I am scared, yet I know that they will assist me in being able to do my best in all of my classes. It will be the first time that I have driven to the campus on my own as well. I am nervous about driving in the area and easily get lost. I am hoping that I find parking and get to the building without incident.
Here’s to a new beginning this year. Thanks for following. I will try to blog at least every other day until school starts. Then it will most likely be everyday!
So much has happened in the pst few weeks. I am sorry for those who follow my blog. The big news is that I have a file placement for the fall semester. The field supervisor must have seen something in me that I did not see myself. I am looking forward to working with someone who is as passionate about mental health and will assist me in channeling my passions in the direction that is accepted in the field.
The other big news is the my husband got his Master’s degree. He is now eligible to do what he has always wanted which is to be a college professor. His graduation and the end of the semester were all stressful. I was not sure if I was going to make it through the last few days and actually missed my classes for the first time because my anxiety level was to high and I was having to many flashbacks. Also, I was not able to sleep.
Since school has ended, I have only gone to my appointments and tried to relax as much as I could. Being off of most devices and email helped. We also went to Florida for a weekend to just be in the sun and watch the sunset. I was able to catch up on some reading by the pool and dinner was right at the same place that we stayed. Florida always seems to calm me down. I swear that the sky and clouds are so different there from where I live.
This week, I have my kids for their summer visit. It has all gone pretty well so far. We invested in a pool membership and that is the best investment of the summer. The kids love the pool and there are other kids their age to play with and have fun with. Not to mention a diving board and a slide. We also went to see a movie together and have just played board games and relaxed.
I am trying to connect more to my feelings in therapy. It is not easy and I have to watch how much I let out in order to not overwhelm myself. My abusers birthdays fell within two weeks of each other which is not easy, yet with each passing year that i do not speak to them, it seems to get a little easier. They are not healthy for me to be around.
Recently the nightmares and flashbacks have become worse. I am seeing my psychiatrist more frequently. I feel like they are not going to end anytime soon. They are something that I am going to have to learn to deal with.
Bathing suit season is upon us and my eating disorder is amped up. Luckily the people at the pool are all sizes which make me feel a little less like everyone is looking at me and staring. Still, the scale seems to be my worst enemy even though I should not follow that, yet make sure that I am healthy.
This weekend should be fun. A birthday and a pool day await. The kids should have fun and we can have fun as a family. The reality is that I am also already reading for next semester. The prospect of a Masters scares me. Am i even good enough to get a Master’s? How will my illness impact my studies? Am I going to be able to keep up? I will find out over the next few months and keep posting how the adventure is unfolding. Warning: Some may be very negative. Ok , to be realistic, all of them may be negative. Life is not always a bed of roses!!