Coping skills. I have tried to use them over the past few days. I have journaled, breathed, used distraction, talked to a friend, and even left the situation to try to calm down. Nothing has worked. I am still as angry as I was before I did all of those things and now it is another day.
I am scared that I am going to hurt myself. I know I am so close because I feel like I am going to go every which way and I cannot hold myself together.
I should not feel like this. I have a great husband and my kids are here for their summer visit, yet here I am mad and angry as ever. Just wanting to be alone and try to get myself together.
Later, I am going to try to do some art work and see if that helps. I have already taken a PRN. Right now I feel hopeless that this is going to change. I feel lost as to what to do!
Another 10 hour day. My therapist has recommended noise cancelling headphones to try to decrease the irritation that I feel during the day. I am looking into them. Apparently, someone who I know has children who use them.
This morning sucked!! Resiliency. Yes some people have the ability to bounce back and think positively. What about those of us who for some reason cannot just “get over it.” I feel defective. Like I should just be able to magically get rid of all of the nightmares, flashbacks, sting issues, problems socializing, and all of the rest of the symptoms that I had. Why are myself and people like me looked at as weak, while they are looked at as strong and likable.
It makes me question the future. Will I ever have anyone who is willing to hire me? Can I even work when I get so irritated and hyper-vigilant around people. If I am hired, what do I say about children and family? There are no easy answers. There is no guidebook for having a screwed up life and then having to turn around and relate to those who have not experienced anything.
It feels like all of the hurt, anger, despair, and all of the other crappy feelings are just going to continue. I am not in a place to rationalize things. Being irrational is not good according to my doctors. I am “burning bridges.” Maybe I was not ready to make them in the first place. Maybe I am not up to that yet.
This evening I have class. This will be one out of seven of the same class that I have left this semester. I cannot wait for tonight to be over and it has not begun. I hate!!!! night classes. My worst time of the day is at night. The time of flashbacks and the start of acute anxiety. So, I will go to class and listen or not. Most of the time I have flashbacks or am off in my own head.
I have to take medications just to get through the class due to the fact that I become so angry and irritated at the fact that I have to sit there and just listen. I try to not say to much. Usually, I am only in the mood to argue anyway. What do I learn? I am not sure of that. I read before class and take notes. I record the class to listen to it later, yet at the time I am not really sure that I am getting anything out of it.
Tonight, I want to go home and try to get finished another half of a paper. I want to try and finish all of my papers early. That way I can focus on what I need to do for next year.
I really need to see my doctor. That will not happen for two days which right now feels like two weeks. I am trying so hard to stay out of the hospital and do what I need to. There are so many internal conflicts there. Right now, I need to relieve some of the stress and I am just not sure how at this point. Everything seems to be irritating. I just want to go home and be alone. Quiet and peaceful with only the cat for company.
Instead, I have a crowded class! Tonight will be another rough night. Then I can go home and be by myself. Have my own space and quiet instead of the constant noise around me.
The semester is over and the start of warmer weather is here. For me, this means about two months of serious therapy work before I return to school in the fall.
My assignment this week: anger. More specifically, why I seem to be able to feel anger at so many little things while I still cannot seem to be angry at the people who hurt me the most.
What is behind all of the anger? That is a scary question. All I thought was that I am not ready. Then again will I ever be ready? Probably not! I just have to see where my brain is ready to start. What words will come out on the page.
This is not going to be easy and I have a bad feeling that this assignment is going to take me into some dark places. I need to remember to take care of myself. To take breaks and to do those things that will relax me. This is not an assignment for a grade. What comes out of this needs to be there.
So, I will see how it goes. I will try to put one foot in front of the other and move forward even a tiny bit!
Having PTSD and the anxiety that goes along with it affects my mood. My temper seems to be so short. Today I have to see my ex. The same person who tried to take my kids away from me permanently. The same person who has no problem with money when I struggle to put gas in my car.
Most people have friends. My issues with trust have left me alone most of the time. I want to be “normal”, yet nothing is normal and I am frustrated. Even though I have started to work through my traumas, I have a long way to go!
My temper feels out of control. I struggle to control my anger and it boiled over this morning. Another thing my ex can use against me. I need to work on the anger. I cannot go on always feeling on edge.
Today, I read my therapist my journal assignment on how my life would be different if I was “good enough”. I was really proud of myself for doing the assignment, even though it was hard to get through.
Part II came today. Apparently, I wrote about how if I were good enough it would have changed my mom and dad. One aspect of myself that I have learned is that one cannot change unless they really want to and it takes a lot of work.
By the time that my therapist and I were finished today, we had compared my parents to dominoes. Sure my presence caused some to fall over, however; there were many that were knocked over before I ever came into the picture. Those dominoes were never acknowledged and if they were, they were not dealt with.
Maybe I could have never been “good enough” for my parents. I could not replace two kids that they lost or be the perfect child that they wanted. Just like everyone, I was born with flaws.
I guess when I think about my own children, I get it. Before a child is born, there are all of these thoughts about what he/she is going to be like. As a parent, my kids are sometimes who I thought that they would be and at other times they shock me. To me that is great. That is what makes life such an adventure!!
For my parents, it is what they hated. I was not who or what they had envisioned. Good enough was probably not on the radar.
The picture I chose reminded me of a new planet. Right now, I see a lot of red. Some of what is coming up is causing me to get in touch with feelings of anger. There is a speck of light on the horizon. My hope is that light grows and that I can continue to progress through my memories, however painful.