Another Waste of Time

After 3 kids and getting other issues fixed over time, I went to see a urologist today for the issues that I am having. Things started off well. The normal questions and the normal exams.

Then the doctor came in and talked to me. He left the room and came back saying that he needed to an exam to see where my organs were and if there were issues. Obviously, there are issues or I would not be there!!

Because, of the trauma I have been through, I could not go through with the procedures that he wanted and was sent away. I guess I just have to live with this problem. Why can’t all doctors understand about trauma?

I have one doctor that will use a twilight sedation to make her patients remain comfortable. Here, there is no help. Just a doctor who completely dismissed me. Why after going through so much do I have to constantly battle for understanding and compassion from those in the medical field.

New Year Straight Ahead

I am not one for making New Year’s resolutions. I cannot remember what I did yesterday. I do have goals that I would like to keep.

One, is that I see my kids as much as I can. They are all teenagers and it will not be long before their social life and calendar are full. I want to try to have meaningful conversations that will allow them to be successful.

I would also like to reconnect with people. I have spent so many years in the house, scared of everything around me. I would at least like to explore the area that we live in and some of the parks. I have seen deer near one of the parks. I wonder what else that I could see?

By dancing and taking courses that kept me active, I always got movement into my week. I need to try to exercise a couple days a week in order to maintain my health since I am not getting any younger.

Finally, I want to try to maintain my composure during stressful situations. I am not sure how that goal will go, yet I at least need to try. Next time that I write it will be 2020. Happy New Year!

Why am I So Angry? ** May Trigger**

Coping skills. I have tried to use them over the past few days. I have journaled, breathed, used distraction, talked to a friend, and even left the situation to try to calm down. Nothing has worked. I am still as angry as I was before I did all of those things and now it is another day.

I am scared that I am going to hurt myself. I know I am so close because I feel like I am going to go every which way and I cannot hold myself together.

I should not feel like this. I have a great husband and my kids are here for their summer visit, yet here I am mad and angry as ever. Just wanting to be alone and try to get myself together.

Later, I am going to try to do some art work and see if that helps. I have already taken a PRN. Right now I feel hopeless that this is going to change. I feel lost as to what to do!

Learning Myself

Abuse takes so much from any person. My abuse took my ability to make my own choices. I was told what to like. My abusers told me what color, foods, classes, college major, and even where I should live. This has been detrimental as an adult. When anyone asks me where I want to go eat, I have a panic attack. I am always scared of upsetting the other person. What I have learned is that saying that all the time frustrates the other person, yet I cannot seem to stop doing it.

Then there are memories of college majors. I was fine at regurgitating information. I often thought that I failed exams to find out later that I passed. I had a problem when I would have to complete a task with another person. Whether that be nursing or making a lesson plan. I could not come up with my own thoughts and even when I did, I felt like I was a failure.

I know that this is something that I need to work on in therapy and it is not going to be easy.

When Anxiety Prevails

Am I screwing everything and everyone around me up? Am I just a burden? How am I going to get through the next five minutes? Can I handle the rest of the day? Do I really need that appointment, I really would like to cancel.

That has been my thought process for over a week now. I have always been anxious yet it seems to be getting worse and prevent what little life I have to begin to dwindle down to nothing.

It is like every self loathing comment has surfaced. Every negative comment said to me is being repeated over and over in my mind. It is like my mind is ready to deal with these things, yet part of it is saying that it is still to much to go through.

Anxiety is not fun and invades life at the worst moments sometimes causing me to freeze where I am and forget everything that I was doing before that moment happened. There is more than just feeling on edge and my heart pounding. Everything seems to close in until I do not even fit in the scene.

I am seeing the doctor today and hope that he can help. I do not want to keep feeling like everything is dropping out from under me.

When Life Gets in the Way

My divorce was 10 years ago. Since then, I have tried to go to nursing school which ended when I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia and placed on a narcotic until the doctor could figure out the correct combination of meds. The narcotic made me ineligible to continue my clinical.

During those years, I was also in and out of the psychiatric hospital and my ex successfully took my kids away for 10 months while I was evaluated by the court. Eventually, I had them back. A little over a year later, my oldest stopped coming over and talking to me. I have missed so much with him that I cannot get back and miss him everyday.

Having PTSD and having problems leaving the house began working with my therapist on ways to get me out of the house. Since I knew that I could not go back to nursing and I still wanted to help people, I went to school for social work. The first year was good and I was comfortable with the other students and campus. Then I was accepted to graduate school.

I did not even last three weeks. In the classroom, I received A’s on my papers and was successful with projects. Field placement was another story. I had to interact with others. I knew that it would be a challenge and attempted to keep my head down. I was at my placement for a total of three days when I was told that I was no longer welcome. My mental health diagnoses were a problem and the supervisor did not think that I was stable enough to work with the clients. There went another dream and another potential career.

At this point, I stay in the house and only leave to go to therapy or to pick up medications. I do not even like to answer the door or open the door for delivery people. In some ways I have isolated myself, yet every time I have tried to put myself out there it has not worked out. It is like people know that I am different and stay away.

Not as Bad as I Thought

I had to visit the gynecologist after 14 years of putting it off. I am having issues which need to be addressed.

I was pleasantly surprised to know that an ultrasound needs to be completed. The even better news is that they can use light sedation to complete the exam. That makes me feel so much more comfortable. Apparently the office treats many trauma survivors.

Now, I am off to therapy. I am down to once a week,yet I still feel as if he cannot help me. I am past the point of help.

How a Diamond Painting and My Cats Are Saving Me

Two cats. They would be all alone during the day if I was not here. I feed them and am able to play with the kitten. Both cats like to lay on my lap which decreases my anxiety.

Diamond paintings make me focus on what diamonds go with what symbols. I am able to get paintings that are what I cannot draw. Doing a little each night with a cat laying by my side creates a sense of accomplishment. In fact, I realized last night that I am halfway through the canvas that I am working on.

So the cats are there to calm me and support me during the day and the diamond paintings make me feel like I am getting something done.

I Think I Scared the Resident

I went to the new doctor yesterday. I think that she thought it would be an easy appointment. It was anything but easy. She saw all of the evidence of my self harm and of course the typical questions followed. I told her the truth and said that I have had a plan since I was around 10 years old.

Why aren’t doctors taught about patients who have experienced trauma? Instead they are put into situations where they are overwhelmed by the patient. Not only do I have a list of diagnoses, i also have a lot of medical issues. The doctor did not seem to know where to start.

Tests were ordered and I have to return in a couple of months. I am glad the doctor is being careful, yet I am scared that the doctor is in over her head. Maybe she will turn out to be one of the best doctors that I have had, if not at least she will gain some experience.

On another front, therapy is not going well. My parts do not feel heard or even like they have a place in therapy. We have had one doctor who could handle us and she is gone. At least she acknowledged that multiple parts could experience an event completely differently. Right now we feel unheard. We feel like the therapist is trying to sweep us away instead of making us part of the therapy. We are hopeless that things will change at this point and are considering options where we may have a chance to participate.

Right now, we are lost. We do not belong anywhere except for hidden on the inside. We have had to many years of that to keep doing it, it does not work and eventually leads to self harm as a way of expressing that those parts are there. We are hoping that something gets resolved soon.

Last Day of 2018

So much has happened this year. I have moved away from my abusers, I have a new cat, I have stayed out of the hospital, and I have found ways to relax or at least have tried.

I should feel better. I should be moving on with my life. Instead I still am scared to leave the house. I am not even sure why. It just causes a panic attack to get near the door.

True, I was able to get away from the proximity of my abusers and where the abuse happened. The dates and events still live in a corner of my mind and in some ways have gotten louder.

Today, I feel like my body and mind have created a prison for me. One that causes me to believe that the outside is dangerous. One where even when I close my eyes I have nightmares of what happened. One where I still lose time and easily get stressed out.

I am realize that all the move did was to separate me physically. Mentally, I am still that girl who was abused, teased, and unwanted.

Hopefully, the next year means that I will be able to work through some of this, yet I am reluctant to discuss what went on. Somehow I need to find a way to live with this and stop contemplating ways to end all of this discord and unrest.