It started with a panic attack this morning. I did not want to get out of bed. I felt paralyzed. Yesterday was to much. I fell walking into school. The neighborhood where I have to park is questionable. Today, I am left with the cuts and bruises.
Then there is the fact that I feel like I am drowning with school work. I knew it would be a lot. Mentally I am ok, physically my body is breaking down. I am so drained. All I want to do is sleep. My hands and feet are going numb. Fibromyalgia is active again. Inside, I just cannot keep up. My thoughts are slow and I am always sore.
Luckily, I am seeing my therapist more often. I still miss my psychiatrist. I feel like she would have known just what to say. I miss her everyday. It is not often that one finds a psychiatrist who really cares. Being tired does not help anything.
I want to go to sleep. My body is fighting to stay awake. Thoughts of self-harm are strong. I am doing no my best not to act on them. I find that I cannot remember huge chunks of class. I am not sure where I am drifting off too? Maybe my safe space? That would make sense since the area around the school scares me.
I saw my parents this week. Once at a wake and another to me at a restaurant. During the wake my mother came over to talk to the kids. They were not having any of it. In fact my daughter was ready to scream. When wee saw them the next night at dinner, they did not even come over to us. I really think that the only child that they want to see is my oldest. He has not spoken to me for about two years. He has blocked my phone number.
This morning is training for my field placement and I am unmotivated. I did not want to come into a school. I was fine the day that I left teaching and have not gone back. What is getting me through is that one month is already over. I can apply for the specialty that I want next year. I am hoping to be in a hospital or hospice. I am looking forward to doing a placement in an area that I chose, instead of one chosen for me by someone who does not know me.
I knew that graduate school was going to be hard. I did not intend for it to make me feel so bad after only 5 weeks. I feel like I am on this ride that I cannot get off of. The ride just keeps going with no sign of end in site. The small comfort is that there are others on this ride to nowhere.
Last semester, I was able to keep my head above water and get my assignments and readings completed. This semester, grad school feels like some horrible monster that I cannot get rid of. For me, I knew that grad school would be hard. 15 credits is hard no matter what. People had told me about how bad field could be and I am experiencing my own learning curve with that.
What no one told me or warned me about was all of the reading. If it would be 100 pages I could handle it. It is between three and four hundred pages a week. I barely can get the reading finished. Then, for every class I have at least one research paper. We were to led to believe from the professors thatthey were not that bad. That is completely coming from those who grade them, not those who write them.
Added onto all of the fun items above is the parking. Even the campus police told us to hide phone, money, wallets, not to make eye contact with people, not to talk or engage in conversation, and to be aware at all times. I am already hyper vigilant, I did not need that speech to scare the hell out of me, I already had a good picture.
There have been some issues. People deciding to beat on my car with me in it. Others asking me for money each time I pass them. Still there are others that are yelling. I am not taking the time to find out if it is me or not. I just keep going. Why could I not have a school with a regular campus and campus issues. Instead I get texts telling me what just happened to someone.
If I want to be a patient advocate and get an MSW, I need to just try each day to take it one hour at a time. Some hours are horrible!! Others are not so bad. Technically, I have survived my first month. I am scared about the next three that I have to get through. Somehow I have to do this. At least now I know that for the next two years, graduate school is the priority.
I am already burnt out not even halfway through the semester. I need to enforce the modifications in my 504 plan. I need the adaptations to make it through the semester. Parking is crazy. I am so tired after having to talk so far. Then I have trouble staying awake in class.
My kids are taking things better than expected. The always seem to find a reason to do their work with me. They motivate me to keep going.
Field is not going as well. My field instructor believes that my mental illness is going to have a negative effect on my work and capability in the field. I have had to go above my field instructor and I hate that. Why can’t I get through a semester without an issue?
The only saving grace is that I have therapy twice a week. That has helped to reduce the impact of secondary trauma. The times are effecting my school work, yet I need the time to work on my issues.
It is only the third week of class. I feel like I can barely keep my head above water between the readings and papers. All of my papers are due in the first two months of class. This is not an easy schedule with therapy twice a week and seeing my psychiatrist.
Then there is waking up early on Monday to get the kids to school. They want to come for their optional weekends. The only issue is balancing time with them and school. I really want to spend more time with them, yet I have so much work.
Therapy has become more challenging. We need all parts to begin to work with our therapist, yet all are not sure how they feel about “coming out” to him and revealing who we all are. That will make us vulnerable. Are we ready for that?
At least I will have time to work on my paper this evening. I also somehow need to complete all of my readings for tomorrow!!
Overwhelmed!!! I can ask for an extension due to my 504, yet I feel like I should be able to do this like everyone else without turning assignments in late. Maybe I just need to accept that I am going to need a little help to get through this.
Today is just beginning. At least I have arrived safely from the parking garage! One item down for the day.
Somehow I survived my first week of field and class. I am trying to take it one step at a time. I make lists of everything I have to do and then cross each off as I do it. This gives me a sense of accomplishment. Field is hard. There are points where I feel like I have not received the training and struggle.
The kids first week went well. So far, they like all of their teachers and have their friends. I have already received a frantic call about homework and was able to help over the phone. I will see them soon and I cannot wait to hear more details.
I am now having therapy twice a week since my psychiatrist decided he only wanted to manage my medications not my parts. My therapist is helping. He reassures me all of the time that what I am going through is normal and has assisted in helping me with reality testing .
Home life is ok. My husband and I arely at home. We are both so tired by the end of the day that we wind up just going to sleep.
The good news is that I am taking my medications. I am waking up and getting a little more sleep at night. The only problem are the mightMares that wake me up in the middle of the night.
Today is my first day of field. I am sick and excited all at the same time. I am scared to be here for an entire day. Normally, I can only go about 4 hours and then I will begin to fall apart. Hopefully, I can keep it together.
I have PRN’s, yet I am worried about taking them because they make me sleepy. This is going to be such a challenge.
The kids were over this weekend. My oldest moved downstairs and my youngest got a bigger room. They were happy. Now they each have a tv and either an x-box or a blue ray.
I have had to increase therapy to twice a week. My psychiatrist had stated that he is not going to do parts work with me. I really wonder why he went into trauma to begin with if he wanted to keep a huge divide between him and his patients. My therapist was great about finding an extra time for me to come each week. I am going to need something with all of this stress.
This really is one hour at a time. Then onto class this evening. At least I have off tomorrow. That should help with the stress and the sleep. Now just to see how today goes!
Sitting in an auditorium getting ready for orientation, I feel like people can tell that I am different. I did not sleep last night because I was so anxious about today. I tried to purchase my books early to get ahead only to find out that two days ago two of the books were changed. Maybe I can sell the rest online. My anxiety is at a 10. There is just so much noise.
I am going to have to take this one day and maybe even one hour or minute at a time. There is so much work that I cannot wait to be able to place due dates on my calendar. At least then I can get a look at the big picture.
Today, I went to school to pick up my parking permit. According to the orientation packet I was supposed to go in person. First, I do not like driving in the area and I do not like to park in a parking garage. Then I have to walk through traffic and people to get to the building. My anxiety is already through the roof and my heart is pounding. Then, I get into the building and need to interact with a security guard. I have a fear with police. After that, I went to the office to get a parking permit as the orientation letter stated.
When I asked about the permit for the semester, I was told that I needed to complete the form on the computer and come back to pick up the permit. Umm, let me see, I drove here, walked to the building, came through security, and now I am being told to go home and fill out the form online so I can come back another day and pick up the permit. I became irate and had a meltdown in the office. If a parking permit is this hard, how is the rest of the semester going to go??
My anxiety is so bad at this point. I am scared that I am not going to fit in or say the wrong thing. Words tend to come out and then I think. It needs to be the other way around. I sent my disability letter to my professors. Are they going to think anything different about me? What about field? My instructor knows about my diagnosis. Is that going to be used against me or will that not matter? How am I going to get all of this done. What is bad is that the semester has not even started and I am freaking out.
I have one more week until school begins. Luckily, I was able to get all of the accommodations for my disability. That makes me feel better about class. I am still skeptical about parking. So me of the areas near the school are sketchy. I think the anxiety about parking is worse than my anxiety about clinical at this time.
The kids are back with their dad for right now. I am going to try to complete some me prep work for this semester. We had a good time over their visit. I like having time with them. I get to see how they are during the day and what they really do all day.
Today, I have my appointment with my psychiatrist. We do not see things the same way. I think I am more upset after the visit them before I go in. This person tries, they just do not seem to get it. Even when I say how I am doing I am not believed. There is no trust there!
I met with the liaison from the student disabilities office today. She was nice and seemed to think that all of my accommodations could be met next semester. There is still so much doubt that even with the modifications I may not be able to do this. There was a question about extended support. I do not have any. The best that I can do is to email my therapist.
Today, I took a chance and showed my therapist my artwork. He was able to see the maps that we had done and drawings that we have made. We feel like we are on the cusp of a breakthrough. We have been holding so much in for so long. Those that say that we cannot talk or that what we have to say is stupid or will not be believed. Our therapist ensured us again that anything that we say is confidential and acceptable.
I hate driving to this campus. Two years and it will be over. Two years which seem like I surmountable mountains ahead of me. I took a step today and I will take more over the next few weeks.