Another Waste of Time

After 3 kids and getting other issues fixed over time, I went to see a urologist today for the issues that I am having. Things started off well. The normal questions and the normal exams.

Then the doctor came in and talked to me. He left the room and came back saying that he needed to an exam to see where my organs were and if there were issues. Obviously, there are issues or I would not be there!!

Because, of the trauma I have been through, I could not go through with the procedures that he wanted and was sent away. I guess I just have to live with this problem. Why can’t all doctors understand about trauma?

I have one doctor that will use a twilight sedation to make her patients remain comfortable. Here, there is no help. Just a doctor who completely dismissed me. Why after going through so much do I have to constantly battle for understanding and compassion from those in the medical field.

Telehealth is a Great Idea, Yet Needs Some Help

COVID19 has brought many changes to all of our lives. I know as someone with a mental health issue I have had some interesting experiences. The first couple of times that I tried therapy over the internet, the signal was not so great and I could not hear half of the things that my therapist was saying. That was an easy fix. We now just have therapy directly moved the phone and we go over everything that I need to discuss as well as homework.

My psychiatrist has been the harder of the two. My outpatient psychiatrist has now become inpatient. During this time, I have had to work with a new psychiatrist. My medicines have been hard to keep track of without any appointments. Some have had refills, others did not have any left, and still other were questioned by the insurance company. This week, I am beginning to keep better track of what I need.

Having therapy while on the phone can be interesting. Cats are getting in my lap and meowing. The kitten is trying to eat all of the non food items in the house. Not to mention that I feel exposed. I like the office setting. I can take my artwork in and discuss what I have worked on. There is no way to do that over the phone.

I know that things will improve with time as all of the glitches are worked out. Maybe, I will finally be able to have a face to face session. Here is hoping that things go smoothly. Remember to use hotlines and reach out to others if you are struggling.

Ratings

I had to make a list of goals that I would achieve in order to function at the most basic level. Yesterday, I was told to rank those goals into three different categories: easy, medium and hard.

At first I thought that it would be no problem. I just had to make a list. Then last night, I looked at the list and really thought about what goal would go where. That is when I realized that I am struggling even more than I thought.

A goal like going and getting the mail sounds easy, yet I am deathly afraid to leave the house. I have mastered getting everything that I need delivered. Then there was a goal about preparing meals when I have trouble making the simplest foods.

Maybe these goals are going to be a lot harder to attain than I first thought. Hopefully, I can be true to myself as I rank them and realize that I am having a hard time right now and some goals may not be so easy.

So, today I will attempt to work on the list. Just getting out of bed is hard. Maybe I should begin with that as my first goal.

The In Between ** May Trigger**

Over 10 years of therapy and relatively nothing has changed. Treatment resistant, medication resistant, unable to assist. All of those have been written on my paperwork.

I told my therapist the other day that I want to die, yet no way of dying is 100%. It has been suggested that I get out and join a club. I tried a book club. The book had to many triggers and the discussion was even worse. Child abuse, spousal abuse, and substance abuse were all a part of the book.

Then I am told to go out and do normal activities. I have panic attacks at the store that leave me frozen and feeling like the store is closing in around me. I always feel like I will be attacked at places that do not have many people around like gas stations. My vocal cords seem to freeze up when I want to ask for something.

I have resorted to buying things online. Even then, I do not answer the door when the doorbell rings because I am scared of who may be on the other side. I feel like people can tell I am damaged by the way that I shake and avoid eye contact.

Then there is the anger that can be activated at any time. This is not normal anger. I am afraid I will actually hurt someone else. Anything can set off the anger and once it begins I have trouble stopping.

Where is my place in society? What do I do if I cannot leave the house and am scared to hurt people? How do I perform everyday tasks while the space is closing in on me and I am shaking to the point of just wanting to sit and scream for help?

How do I begin to work through this? When are my thoughts not automatically going to go to not existing? Who am I ? All of these are questions that I need to answer, yet do not seem to know how.

One of the Worst Days of the Year

Most children are going back to school today. Parents will post first day photos on Facebook in front of banners, in t-shirts, in front of school friends, etc. They will write about preparations for the day.

As a non-custodial parent, today feels like a failure. There are no opportunities for photos because I live to far away. I do not know my kids friends because I rarely see them with any of them.’no conversations about who is in their classes and what their day was like will take place.

My ex does not even send me a photo of the ones that may be taken, Now that they are older, I have come to peace with this day. Yet, it is still difficult to see photos. Today, I do not know what my kids are wearing to school or even if they made it to the bus on time.

For me and I am sure for others in my situation this has become our norm. Being excluded from some of the most important events and days in a child’s life.

The Other Side

Having a mental illness sucks. Being depressed, not being motivated or able to even do the most basic things, being overly emotional, forgetting everything that someone has said to you.

It must be really hard to be a friend or more to someone with a mental illness. Plans get cancelled at the last minute because the person is having a bad day and cannot get out of bed. Maybe, yelling starts over the smallest thing.

Therapy assignments begin to stress the person out which for me,, causes me to want to hide.

I feel bad for my husband at times. The trouble keeping always second guessing about saying what is on my mind. The issues with food. Feeling isolated even when he is trying his best to help.

The people who love us are special. They can look beyond all of flaws and see someone that they care about. Positive aspects, that for me, I do not see. Being on the other side must be difficult, yet I am so glad that there are those who have the strength to be there.

Physically Healing Mentally Declining

My surgical wounds are almost entirely healed. I am finally able to do the things around the house like laundry. Tomorrow is my post operative appointment. Hopefully everything is fine and I will not have to go back.

I was supposed to have another procedure next month, yet I am putting it off until June. I am still trying to get used to the life changes after this procedure.

Mentally, I am not doing as well. It is hard to have to cut out so many foods from my diet. Cooking is triggering for me. I may have to start though. There are some easy recipes out there.

I still wake up in the morning with the cats and feed them. Then I cannot seem to keep my eyes open. I know that I should try to go for a walk or to the gym, yet I cannot seem to find the motivation. I also seem to be remembering more lately. Combined with the verification from my mother that I was really not wanted I think I just need some time to get my head around everything.

Part of me just needs to accept life as it is and stop worrying about everything that I have lost. I also need to stop worrying about if the kids will decide not to come over. That is not something that I can control.

Through the Years

When I was first admitted to a psychiatric unit, I thought that I did not fit in and did not belong there. Boy was I wrong. Not only did I seem to fit, I could relate to their symptoms and stories.

I heard other patients talking about losing their children, divorces, friends abandoning them, and losing other things in their life. How nieve I was. I thought that would not happen to me.

Life happened. All of the above came true. Then I tried to get myself together. That was a mistake. I realized that I don’t fit in with “normal” people so well. Others can look me up and find out that I lost my kids and that I am sick. They do not want me as a part of their world.

Then I worked with my doctor on getting a degree that I could use. Funny, I thought that other social workers would accept a fellow student with a mental illness. Instead I was alienated and told that I was to ill to complete the program and be an effective social worker.

In order to go to school I had to take out loans. Now, I cannot complete my degree and am having issues paying back the loan. “Permanent Disability”. That is what I apparently am considered at this point. Someone who does not have the ability to get a job and will not be able to for the foreseeable future.

Maybe it is true. I am scared to leave the house and interact with others. I have to take medication just to not feel suicidal all day. I spend many hours going back and forth to doctors and therapy.

Is this really my life? Medications, therapy, doctors. Add to that the physical problems I am now having. Karma is against me.

Snow Day

As an adult, I can appreciate the snow. It is pretty to look at and just as pretty when all of the streets are passable again. As an adult I can read or work on a diamond painting. I can enjoy the cats watching the snow from the window.

As a kid, I hated to see that school was closed. It meant being stuck in the house all day with two grumpy people that found every reason to hate snow. It was movies that were inappropriate all day. It was normally the smell of something that I did not want to eat wafting from the kitchen into the living area.

I was to be unseen and unheard. Once I was older, there were normally school papers that I could work on. When I was young it was how to spend the day without pissing off the parental units. Normally that meant sitting quietly in my room and watching the other kids playing in the snow. I could color, yet my mother would have made sure to color in my book and I could not live up to her standard.

It also meant that the dogs needed a clear path to the yard. Every hour the snow would be cleared from the porch steps. It was obsessive. I would have rather been at school. Yes, gym sucked and I was teased, yet I had something to do and did not run the risk of pissing anyone off.

Today, I will enjoy what I could not in the past. I guess that is a win🙂

Trapped *May Trigger*

I feel like I am trapped. I am somewhere on the scale in more than one aspect of my life. I do not want to be alive, yet killing myself would hurt those around me. I want therapy, yet it does not seem to be going well with my therapist at this time.

Even my kids are a conundrum. I worry about their lives, yet I am not there with them during the week. There is only so much that I can do over the phone. I just received an email today from a teacher of my son who has chosen to not communicate with me. He is not doing well. I really want to be able to get makeup work for him and have him do it at my house, yet he will not even come out to the car to say hello to me.

At least I have my diamond paintings and can lose myself in that world for a few hours each night. I also have two sweet cats. One who is laying on my lap and another who gives kisses at night before she goes to sleep.

My husband allowed us to move this past year and I am no longer trapped in a neighborhood full of crime. If I look at the whole picture it is pretty divided. I am not even sure what image it conjures up. Maybe some type of storm where it is raining on one side of the painting with dark gray clouds and a rainbow on the other side. The problem is that I feel like I am right on the thin line down the middle.