I have recently spent almost a month in the hospital. Well, technically I was in two different hospitals. Up until recently I have always had a psychiatrist who is aware of the side effects of the medicines that I was on. Weight gain is one side effect that someone with an eating disorder does not want.
Unfortunately, I am running out of medication choices and there has been some weight gain. I think that I am taking it well. I have began to examine my diet for foods that are not healthy and I have begun to use the exercise bike again. This side effect sucks, yet I know that it is not just me going through this.
The status of seeing my kids is still zero visits at this point. I have explained to them why I was in the hospital and have given my ex more I formation that he is entitled to. Today, I am going to an agreed upon doctor in order to obtain letters from my treating physicians that show that I am ok to have the kids. I was not even in the hospital for anything related to them.
I am hoping to get things worked out by the holiday break. I really want to see the kids and spend some holiday time with them. A good meal and presents!
I am so unsure of my future. Two months ago I was in an MSW program, now I am back to seeing doctors 2-3 times a week. I just feel like school may not be the answer at this point. I really need to think about what it is that I want to do. Maybe then I will have some direction.
My wound is healing. I have to go back to the wound care center next week. At least it seems to have gotten smaller and less infected.
Next week is more doctors visits. They take up a lot of time. Prepping, driving, the appointment and then the drive home. This can take all day with traffic! At least I have doctor’s to go too.. some people are not as lucky.
I am already burnt out not even halfway through the semester. I need to enforce the modifications in my 504 plan. I need the adaptations to make it through the semester. Parking is crazy. I am so tired after having to talk so far. Then I have trouble staying awake in class.
My kids are taking things better than expected. The always seem to find a reason to do their work with me. They motivate me to keep going.
Field is not going as well. My field instructor believes that my mental illness is going to have a negative effect on my work and capability in the field. I have had to go above my field instructor and I hate that. Why can’t I get through a semester without an issue?
The only saving grace is that I have therapy twice a week. That has helped to reduce the impact of secondary trauma. The times are effecting my school work, yet I need the time to work on my issues.
Somehow I survived my first week of field and class. I am trying to take it one step at a time. I make lists of everything I have to do and then cross each off as I do it. This gives me a sense of accomplishment. Field is hard. There are points where I feel like I have not received the training and struggle.
The kids first week went well. So far, they like all of their teachers and have their friends. I have already received a frantic call about homework and was able to help over the phone. I will see them soon and I cannot wait to hear more details.
I am now having therapy twice a week since my psychiatrist decided he only wanted to manage my medications not my parts. My therapist is helping. He reassures me all of the time that what I am going through is normal and has assisted in helping me with reality testing .
Home life is ok. My husband and I arely at home. We are both so tired by the end of the day that we wind up just going to sleep.
The good news is that I am taking my medications. I am waking up and getting a little more sleep at night. The only problem are the mightMares that wake me up in the middle of the night.
I have one more week until school begins. Luckily, I was able to get all of the accommodations for my disability. That makes me feel better about class. I am still skeptical about parking. So me of the areas near the school are sketchy. I think the anxiety about parking is worse than my anxiety about clinical at this time.
The kids are back with their dad for right now. I am going to try to complete some me prep work for this semester. We had a good time over their visit. I like having time with them. I get to see how they are during the day and what they really do all day.
Today, I have my appointment with my psychiatrist. We do not see things the same way. I think I am more upset after the visit them before I go in. This person tries, they just do not seem to get it. Even when I say how I am doing I am not believed. There is no trust there!
IT! The feeling of loneliness, emptiness, despair, anger, relief, and it seems like everything else all balled into one. Why children who have been abused still love their abusers? Why molestation survivors blame themselves? How one person becomes the focus of support and caring? Why one loss can make a difference so powerful that it changes the course of one’s life.
People who have not been through shit, and there are many types, just do not get what it is like to have been abused, molested, put down, ridiculed, and treated like a mistake by the people who were supposed to care and make you feel safe. Sometimes, it is hard to believe that there are those out there who had a good child and good memories. Whose parents loved and encouraged them. Who had a two-parent household.
IT, is why I have a passion for going into the field of social work. Understanding the experience plus having the knowledge of the process enables me to be able to make a difference. I do not know exactly what that is yet. I know that I will have to choose one area, yet I do not know where I want to focus. Personally, I have been through many categories of topics that could turn into research and change. Right now, I am trying to decide where to focus. Recognition and signs of abuse and neglect, prevention of child maltreatment, family therapy for those who have been affected by violence, domestic violence, parenting skills, a woman’s right to choose…. Yes, those are all going through my head at any one time.
Being passionate is advantageous when studying and researching. It is also a hinderance in that I want to do more than I can. I want to make the most impact in whatever path I choose to go down. I want to know IT. That subject or area that only I lived through. I want to become an expert on the researchers, laws and policies. I want to become involved and informed. Most of all I want to help in whatever way I can. I do not just want to sit back and talk about changes, I want to make them. One small step at a time. I know that I will get there because others have that have come before me.
Apparently, I better get used to frustrating and overwhelming night classes. I hate the dark. I did not want to take an evening class, yet I do not want to take a professor that will stress me out either. Toss a coin at that point I guess.
I already know that class is going to suck tonight!!! We are talking about child welfare policy. I am taking two other classes this semester on the same subject. It is good to know the information, yet sometimes it is just to much. Why can’t anyone talk of change? Why do we continue with the same disheveled system? Being the end of the semester and the fact that I reached my limit weeks ago, I would rather just go home and work on a paper.
It does not help that I feel that the professor and I are in two different schools. I want to see the future as being one that can be changed to make laws and policies more realistic and effective. I feel like sometimes it is just go with the flow. Why? In order for things to get better sometimes they need to change. Hell sometimes, the entire thing just needs to be torn up or broken and completely redone.
That is what I think of some of our social policies. The policies for children are the worst. Adults think they know best, yet ask a kid and they will tell you something different. Sometimes no matter where they live or what background they come from, you can still get the same answer. Essentially, love, support, and some respect. They are not objects on a chessboard or a game piece that can be moved around. Something needs to give. Although I doubt that it will be anything tonight except my temper!!
I have been asked what my New Year’s Resolution is this year. The honest answer is that I do not have one. For me, I take one day at a time anymore. I never know who is not going to be here the next day or if my kids will talk to me.
My PTSD is better some days than others. There are anniversaries that I know I will need to deal with and things that come out of the blue that suddenly bring up a vivid memory. School will most likely start out ok and then spiral downhill to where I barely have the energy and mental push to take my final exams.
My weight is an issue. I overeat and then I do not eat depending on the time of year and type of stress. Sometimes I need to maintain my weight, other times I need to add weight, and still others I could lose a couple of pounds. Which one it will be is constantly changing.
I want to be a part of my families and friends lives. Some of that is up to them. First I have to be invited, then I can choose to accept or decline.
So, no, I do not have a specific resolution. I know that I have court this month and I want to get through that. School will start in a few weeks and I want to be ready for that also. There are a few shows and movies that I would like to see as well. Those are what I am starting with. Small goals, not a big resolution.
Today is not a good day. I guess I am just mentally exhausted. Flashbacks suck! I am so tired of reliving the past even when I don’t want to. Of hearing and seeing things exactly as they were back then.
Then there are my kids. My oldest has cut off almost all contact with me. The only communication that I even get anymore is a text saying that he is not coming for the weekend.
My youngest who wanted to stay with me and then changed her mind and wanted to go back with her brothers is being treated like she is not even part of the family. She is being told that she does not belong there and the only reason she is there is because I basically forced her back there.
My ex is in the habit of just texting nasty comments to me about not being a parent and that I am not good for the kids.
It is all getting to be to much to take. I am just mentally worn out. Maybe I am overreacting, yet if I am I cannot seem to stop it from happening. I love my kids, yet the reality is that they are getting older and are conflicted about where they want to be and even if they want to visit.
I knew long ago that this day would come. That they would be old enough to decide not to see me. That my ex could get married again. I just hoped that it would be to someone who was kind to all of the kids. That does not seem to be the case.
It is like all of the bad has come true. There is really no way to stop it. Technically, my ex is not doing anything wrong. Even the kids therapist thinks that they are better off with him.
I have a mental illness. That is not going to change. For the time, I cannot function in the workplace. Each day I fear another court case where he tries to take away my visitation.
No, today is not a good day. I am at the bottom of that deep, dark out again. I do not see a way out.
My daughter was with me from the end of June until yesterday. She went back with her father. She wanted to see her brothers and the rest of her family that lives with them.
I miss her smile and laughter already. Driving home, I became scared that he would try to take the children away from me again. That I would not see them for months on end.
Last night, she would not speak with me. I hope that today she does. I hope that she comes for her visit next weekend and that I will get to see her. I miss her brothers too. They always have stories to tell about what they have been up too.
It was not easy to let her go. I cautioned her that it may not be easy at home for her. She was getting physically ill from all of the stress. It was great to see her light up when her father said that she could come back.
As the kids get older, they are going to want to make more choices for themselves. All I can do is be there for them. That is something that I did not have and needed so badly growing up.
As I have written over the past few weeks, my ex has let one of my kids choose to live with me for the summer. For him, that means telling that child what he/she is missing everyday and reminding that child of how good it is at his house.
For now, at least my child has someone to talk to. I will love him/her no matter where he/she chooses to live. Last night was really hard. There was a lot of crying and feeling guilty involved. He/she is afraid of making the wrong choice and upsetting someone else or upsetting themselves. There is not a right or a wrong choice.
Being young can be so hard. I know. My mom decided to not do anything for my 11th birthday. Not even to acknowledge the day. I know what it is like to feel like you have shattered and cannot break anymore just to have something else break you even more.
That is not what I want to happen in this situation. It is so hard to go through this because the flashbacks for me are terrible, yet I need to be there and be strong. That is all that I can do.