This post is one that those in the field of psychology debate. To me, the belief that your trauma is what you make of it is complete crap. What happened to me has altered the way that I view the world. Innocuous activities become a source of panics and flashbacks.
One of my main issues is trusting each people. Throughout my life, people have revolved according to what my abuser needed. My abuser caused me to fear the people and places around me. That began at age 3. A 3 year old believes their caregiver. By believing, I was scared that if we were out someone was going to take me or hurt me.
Being touched was painful. No was not a word that was respected or listened too. Obedience was necessary to survive. Even if that meant pain. Eventually, I just inherintly knew was expected of me. I followed knowing that I did not have a choice. To the day, I cannot even pick out a place to eat or answer what my favorite color is because that was drilled into me.
Having complex PTSD is so hard. I feel like every program that I have been is focuses on safety and stabilization. That is where the programs that most insurances pay for end. Now, I am supposed to go home by myself and work with my therapist.
Why are there not support groups for us? There are not enough therapists who understand this diagnosis. The result is that there are not enough treatment centers. All I want is to be with other people who need to learn to express themselves. To have a safe way of processing my story and share other’s experiences of life with this diagnosis.
I just want to be able to feel normal. I want to meet others who share these feelings and experiences.
Last year, I had Medicare. I was told that they did not cover any long term mental health care. This year, I have private insurance. I was hopeful that treatment would be covered. Instead, I have been met with the same obstacles as always. Since I do not have a substance abuse issue or an eating disorder, long term treatment is not available in network.
The places in the country that will accept my insurance out of network still want $10,000 or more for a deposit. I cannot afford that. I am not sure that many people could. Now, I am stuck without the level of care that I need. I know that I cannot be the only one out there struggling with this.
Mental health care in this country needs to change. It should be affordable for everyone, not just those who have thousands of dollars to put out up front.