Things are Healing

My injury is healing. I go back to the doctor tomorrow for a check up. Physically, I have a wound and scars.

The problem is mentally. I still feel like I am just walking through the day getting the things done that I need too. Even that is at a bare minimum.

I am still trying to get my ex and all of my doctors together in order to see my kids. I was fortunate enough last night that I was able to see one of the kids in a concert.

Getting my medications has been a bit of an adventure lately. I call a refill in and give a time when I will pick it up. Then, usually after that time I go in to pick it up and it is not ready. I am told it will be 20 minutes, yet if I had not called it in the wait time would be the same. Solution: just walk in and save the phone call.

It seems as if I have began to snore so loudly that it is waking my husband up. This is a problem when he needs to get up in the morning. I made a appointment with the doctor to see what is the cause and if anything can be done about it.

There are still some loose ends that I need to tie up with school. I just am scared to even go to the neighborhood where the school is located. I am going to have to take a deep breath and just do it.

My therapist wants me to feel the feelings that were repressed around events when I was a kid. I am scared to show feelings to anyone. He wants me to write about it between now and Friday. Hopefully I can get some words onto the page.


Medication Nightmares

I have recently spent almost a month in the hospital. Well, technically I was in two different hospitals. Up until recently I have always had a psychiatrist who is aware of the side effects of the medicines that I was on. Weight gain is one side effect that someone with an eating disorder does not want.

Unfortunately, I am running out of medication choices and there has been some weight gain. I think that I am taking it well. I have began to examine my diet for foods that are not healthy and I have begun to use the exercise bike again. This side effect sucks, yet I know that it is not just me going through this.

The status of seeing my kids is still zero visits at this point. I have explained to them why I was in the hospital and have given my ex more I formation that he is entitled to. Today, I am going to an agreed upon doctor in order to obtain letters from my treating physicians that show that I am ok to have the kids. I was not even in the hospital for anything related to them.

I am hoping to get things worked out by the holiday break. I really want to see the kids and spend some holiday time with them. A good meal and presents!

I am so unsure of my future. Two months ago I was in an MSW program, now I am back to seeing doctors 2-3 times a week. I just feel like school may not be the answer at this point. I really need to think about what it is that I want to do. Maybe then I will have some direction.

My wound is healing. I have to go back to the wound care center next week. At least it seems to have gotten smaller and less infected.

Next week is more doctors visits. They take up a lot of time. Prepping, driving, the appointment and then the drive home. This can take all day with traffic! At least I have doctor’s to go too.. some people are not as lucky.

More Lies and Deceit 

I have already lost one of my children for reasons that I do not understand. Now, I feel like I am losing another. My ex and his wife tell my kids that I do not care, that I am not contributing enough money,’and that I am choosing a life that does not include them.

In reality, my ex is getting the child support ordered by the court. I am transporting them according to the agreement, and I see them as much as possible.

Sometimes I feel like it is a battle that is already lost. My ex has the money to put them in camps and go on vacations. He has them more and they tend to gravitate toward what he says.

I get blamed for the divorce. Yes, I will take credit for what I did, yet he seems to leave out what he was doing. My mental illness is said not to exist on one hand and then to be the cause of everything on the other. I am sure that is confusing.

Inevitably, it is leading to my kids not wanting to have anything to do with me. They have taken their father’s view that I am not good enough and do not do enough. Sometimes I think that the best that I can hope for is for them to look back and realize that I did what I could. I was not perfect, yet I did my best:

A Child Should Not Hace to Choose

Ten years. Well almost. That is how long it has been since separating from my ex. I was naive then. I thought that things were fair and that I would get my kids 50 percent if the time like most people.

Instead, it was the beginning of a nightmare. There have been three clear court issues since then. My ex used my mental illness and financial influence to obtain physical custody. I had a win in that I got joint legal custody.

Today, the kids are teenagers. Instead of just following an order, I am put down and my kids are told that I am a bad mother. That I am not doing as much as I should. I have even been told that high school graduations are not a place for me because I am not there enough. When I want to be there more, I am refused.

The kids are getting old enough to choose what they want according to my ex. My oldest has already chosen not to communicate. He believes that I am hurting his father. It must be tough to always hear negative talk about your parent.

I have determined that as long as my kids want me in their life that I will be there for them. Even when they no longer choose to come visit, I will attempt to see how they are doing. It is scary to know that one day they may not talk to me. That I will not be there for the big events or the holidays. That I will be shut out.

As a non-custodial parent it is hard in so many ways. To know that your children may not want to see you. To be able to be looked up and found that you do not have custody. People then assume that you must have done something wrong. Sometimes the other parent just has a better attorney. Sometimes, there is no way to “win” only a way to have a relationship that is far from ideal. 

My hope is that my kids will continue to communicate with me, yet there is no guarantee and I do not have the power to see into the future.

Finally Getting to Celebrate❤

This is the first year since leaving my ex that I have not spent Christmas Day or the day after Christmas with the kids. I finally get them tonight. We get to celebrate our Christmas tonight and then New Year’s tomorrow. Hopefully, he will drop them off. I hold my breath every time that I am supposed to get them.

My oldest still is not really speaking to me. I text and try to get him to talk on the phone. I know that at his age, he has his own opinions, yet they can be strongly influenced by others.

Monday will be another early morning of taking them home in time to meet the bus. What is most important is that we get to spend the time together. I hope they look back and remember the holidays as a good time and have traditions that they will eventually want to pass on in the future.

I Thought I Had a Break

School is over for the semester. By some miracle I passed my classes. The next few days, all that I could do was sleep. Life has caught back up to me. Therapy and doctor’s appointments are still on the calendar. I still have my dancers to teach one night a week. Winter break is not going to be as relaxing as I thought at first. I really need to work on the issues that were brought up this semester in therapy and in class. Next semester, I have some pretty challenging classes to get through related to what I went through as a child.

My ex is not letting me see my kids until New Year’s. This is the first year that I will not see the kids on or near Christmas day. Court is still on the horizon for next month. Hopefully that will be the end of things for a while.

Yesterday,  I lost a friend. She battled cancer for a long time and became a true angel yesterday. I wish I had half of her optimism. She lived everyday to the fullest and never let the pain get her down. She was a true inspiration to everyone who met her. She also was one of those special people who accept others for who they are. Flaws and all. I was lucky to have been a part of her life.

Next week, I have to start going into the past. The nightmares will probably begin and I will have trouble sleeping. Parts of me will fight over how much to tell and when to tell. We know that we need to do this. It has been a long time coming. The past is not going to change just because it is talked about and is out in the open!



Parental Alienation

These words make me so angry. In the state that I live in, it is not even recognized. All I could do would be to go to court for contemp of what my ex is not following in the agreement. I have not seen one of my children since July. Even though he is a teenager, he is still not at an age where he can make his own choices. My ex lets him choose.

My ex’s new spouse degrades my kids for coming to see me. She tells them that I do not pay child support, that I am not a fit parent, that I do not do anything for them. Every time they go back to my ex’s house, they get an earful. No wonder one of them has stopped visiting!

I am not a person who has the means to hire lawyers all of the time. I wish that I could. I feel for others out there like me who are either kept from their children or constantly have to hear that someone thinks they are a bad parent and degrades their parent in front of them.

My kids do not deserve to be punished for seeing me. No parent deserves to be talked about negatively to their children. Parental alienation needs to end and it needs to be a crime in every state.

The Kids are Getting Older

I have had a hard time lately dealing with the kids becoming older and more independent. Sure, I am happy that they have friends and activities to go to during the week and on the weekend. Watching them grow into their own with their own opinions and ideas is wonderful.

The thing that sucks is that they live an hour away. I cannot just go and see them play a game or do something at school. My oldest is a full-blown teen. He has not been to my home since early this summer. I miss him and I love him, yet his life is not where I live. I know that it is just a matter of time before my youngest two do not want to talk on the phone anymore. This could be folllowed by not wanting to visit.

The only thought that keeps me going is that they will get through these year and will hopefully want to have a relationship with me. I know that I want one with them. 

What’s Best?? **May Trigger**

A struggle. That seems like that is what life has been everyday. A struggle between the fine line of going into the hospital and staying out. The fine line of struggling with self-harm some days, well let’s be honest, most days.

My eating disorder is fighting to take over. My body just does not want food. I have chest pains and stomach aches. The numbers on the scale are supposed to be going up, yet they keep going down.

Then there is the issue of child support. I knew that court would be stressful. My ex has just added to it by telling the kids that I am taking him to court and that I do not want to pay him. I have been asked why am I putting dad through all of this. He continues to text me, wanting peoples’s names and other information.

Then there is school. Each day I have class is a struggle to get here and to go. I wonder if I am doing the right thing. If I should just relent and go inpatient or at least to a day program. Parts of me are fighting each other over what answer is the right one.

I am not sure what path I am going to wind up on. Right now I feel scared of what I could do to myself if one more thing happens. I am going to call my doctor this morning and I need to face whatever is coming.

Wish me luck!!

In Over My Head

When I signed up for classes I had no clue how taxing they would be on me. Physically I am tired and because of the increase in stress my fibromyalgia symptoms have also increased.

Then there is trying to dance which is something that relaxes me. I love dancing and I do not want to have to give it up.

Add to that my IBS and the fact that I am struggling with my eating disorder. 

Somehow, I have woken up everyday and have gone to school. I have made it to class on time and have turned assignments in on time. Even though I was exhausted, I went to dance.

I am back to one day at a time. I no longer count on a break in the calendar. It seems like the calendar just gets full. Hopefully, I can get my intake under control and somehow overcome my nerves.

My kids are being typical teenagers. My middle child talks to me every night. My oldest barely talks to me once a month and the youngest is a coin toss. I love them, yet at the same time they live an hour away and their lives are there. I worry about them everyday and wonder how they are doing in school. It is a challenge not to be there for homework and phone calls to friends. This was definitely not how I pictured parenting the kids in their teens. 

I just hope that they know that I love them and will always be there for them. Sometimes I wonder if they even think about any of that.