Depression and PTSD have taken a part of me away. I am not even sure what that part is anymore. I know that I do not seem to have any energy, I remember the details of my traumas daily, and I struggle with things that others can do easily. I do not leave the house with the exception of therapy.
For some reason there are those that equate depression with sadness. It is so much more than that. It is like someone has completely darkened the space around you and then confined you into an even smaller space.
Cooking, laundry, showering, talking, and many other small things become absolutely earth shattering chores. With PTSD it is hard to hear triggers and try to do anything remotely easy. My cats are my support. As long as I pet them, they still like me. In fact, one of my cat’s is my emotional support animal.
There is not any medicine left to try at this point. I just need to work on my skills and try to do a little at a time. Sometimes it is very little at this point.
Day hospital is supposed to be the one that helps me next week. It does not specialize in trauma, it is a regular adult day program. I agreed with my doctor to try it out.
I am a bit worried how well it will work. I have been put inpatient so many times after attending day hospital because it just brought up more memories. I have also walked out of day hospital, frustrated that others around me spoke of PTSD as a diagnosis to just be able to get over with a few therapy sessions.
I have not been to this particular program in years. I hope that it has changed. Having groups all day will keep me busy and I will have to leave the house. That is stressing me out. I think it will be better once I know more about the program. If this does not work, it is back inpatient. I am debating about whether to pack a bag.
I had to make a list of goals that I would achieve in order to function at the most basic level. Yesterday, I was told to rank those goals into three different categories: easy, medium and hard.
At first I thought that it would be no problem. I just had to make a list. Then last night, I looked at the list and really thought about what goal would go where. That is when I realized that I am struggling even more than I thought.
A goal like going and getting the mail sounds easy, yet I am deathly afraid to leave the house. I have mastered getting everything that I need delivered. Then there was a goal about preparing meals when I have trouble making the simplest foods.
Maybe these goals are going to be a lot harder to attain than I first thought. Hopefully, I can be true to myself as I rank them and realize that I am having a hard time right now and some goals may not be so easy.
So, today I will attempt to work on the list. Just getting out of bed is hard. Maybe I should begin with that as my first goal.
I feel like my mental illness is a never ending loop that I need to find a way out of soon. Every September, my mental health declines. It seems to get a little better around the holidays and then improves in the Spring.
The same cycle has been going on for years, following me wherever I have moved and interfering in my life. I wish that I could identify what it is that I cannot get away from. It is like my mind or body is not strong enough to handle whatever the memory or time of year represents.
This is a particularly bad cycle and I just want to stop this so that it does not happen again next year. I am at a loss for what to do at this point! Any suggestions???
With Facebook, one can literally connect to the world and find those with the same interests as us. I have joined a few groups on Facebook that focus on my interests.
A couple are for diamond painting. I love seeing everyone’s pieces and reading their stories of why they began to diamond paint. It is great to see people’s works coming together and to get tips. Some of them have made my own time diamond painting much easier.
The cat group is also great for tips, yet sometimes the pictures can make a bad afternoon better. Being in the group has allowed me to interact with people from all over the world. It is interesting how different all of the personalities of the cats are, yet they seem to all own our hearts.
So two loves of mine have kept me going over the past few weeks. Even though I am having a rough time, I can share a picture or see a photo and know why I am still here. I guess my new phrase should be one post at a time!
Groundhog Day. That is what my therapy sessions feel like anymore. It is like neither the therapist or I know what to say. After a lot of thinking I am going to begin to interview new therapists. Maybe a change will help me out if this rut I am stuck in at this time.
The purgatory of mental illness is where I am right now. I really do not want to die, yet living is painful everyday. Not being able to talk in therapy does not help anything. Not being able to have any of my doctors truly understand me is even harder.
I am working on not self harming. I am taking the cats out on the sunporch to get some time in with nature. I am still journaling and I work on my diamond paintings at night. At least it all provides a distraction from what part of my mind really want to go.
I wish that I could write something positive, yet I am not in a place right now to do it. There has been no change in how I am. I have now been called treatment resistant. Yesterday, I said that I wanted to go inpatient and was told that the hospital would not help. I feel like I am hopeless. Even the hospital will not take me! Where do I go from here? Right now I just see a limitless bottom than continues to grow deeper.
I keep going back and forth between feeling ok and feeling like crap. There has always been the trouble with sleep. Now it is to the point where the medications are not helping.
For the past few days I have felt well enough to read, go to therapy, and finish a diamond painting. Today, l cannot seem to get off the couch.
I do have goals today, yet they are slipping through my grasp as quickly as a stream of water. I feel like I am enveloped by a never ending and growing darkness. I realize that I have felt this bad before and have pulled out of it, yet this time feels different. I cannot see a future for me. I am to scared and to damaged to be of use to anyone.
I have supposed to have the kids this weekend. I can barely find the energy to even get a glass of water. I long for the days when I had a goal and enough courage to even take one step forward.
My husband and I went to out to a farmers market this morning. I had been there before and should have been fine. Instead my stomach began to hurt and I felt like I was going to throw up.
This feeling of tightness and being overwhelmed happens every time that I go to leave the house. It is like my body just refuses to leave. I know rationally that I am safe, yet I have the most irrational thoughts about leaving the house.
Things are ok with the kitten. We let her explore the house again today and she had an accident on the sofa. Now I am worried that she will no longer use her litter box or that she does not like the litter since it is different to what she is used too.
Monday, I need to call the TMS provider. I am worried that they will think that I am a loss cause or I might not be able to keep up with the treatment schedule that is ordered. I would like to stop feeling like crap though, so I at least need to try.
Surprisingly, the kitten let me sleep in late today. She loves to curl up with my husband and I and loves anyone who pets her. She still is having separation anxiety and will cry when anyone leaves the room.
My psychiatrist is looking for TMI center for me close to home. Hopefully, something will be available. The depression medication does not seem to be working. I am told that this is not unusual.
The doctor feels that due to the move all of the past crap has more room to come up. Sometimes I really hate having to deal with the past so much and it’s impact on my life. I hate that I cannot be the same as other women my age. Maybe, I need to figure out what my normal is and learn to accept the reality of that.
Sitting here thinking about life is challenging. I feel like I need to make a pros and cons list for continuing to go on.
The kids are a big factor. All of the research shows that a child whose parent commits suicide is more likely to do so. I would not want my kids to get into this dark space.
So much has failed including school, losing touch with one of my children, and constant court cases with my ex. All of this has left me drained. I feel alone no matter how many people are in a room. What do I even talk about with people. The kids are a hard subject and school was a disaster.
People do not want to hear about hospital stays and wound care centers. I believe that eating disorder treatment centers are also not at the top of the list. Those are the topics that I know best at this point.
Maybe a better option would be to talk about the diamond paintings that I have done or the garden that my husband is working on. Yet, those topics do not feel like me at this time. One day blends into another.
What to do? Going back to school is going to be rough. I feel like I am on a never ending ride in that department. Keep seeing the kids until they too realize how damaged and flawed I am. Continue to talk about the worst memories of my life in therapy.
This is not the life that I pictured. Not even close. Being a non-custodial parent was something that I did not even know existed. Failing at school because of an illness that I did not choose and is directly related to negative childhood experiences. Living in a neighborhood where I do not feel safe. Even as I write this there are helicopters circling the block.
One day I need to make a choice. I cannot live in between any longer. There needs to be a clear side to work on and pursue.