Being Numb

I have been inpatient countless times when people cried. I think that they are brave and strong to show so much emotion. To let whatever it is go a little at a time.

For myself, crying seems to be elusive. My emotions seem so far away. I hate the question on “How do you feel?” I honestly cannot answer. It is like all of the colors of paint have been mixed up and I cannot pull them apart.

Unfortunately, I come off as cold. People shy away from me because I either look angry or like I want to be left alone. It hurts to know that people are not going to approach me or speak to me. I am left alone. This happens a lot.

In some ways I have learned to live with it. Other days I wish that there were someone to something with. I just go ahead and do things by myself and try to make the most of it.

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Another stay in the Hospital **May Trigger**

After seeing my therapist 2weeks ago I felt like no one cared or understood how bad things really were. I decided to go to the ER where they put me in the psychiatric part and examined me. I was able to get medicine for my cuts and burns. 

The psychiatrist assessed me and told me that I would sign a voluntary. I said yes, yet the voluntary was never brought to me when the ambulance came to transfer me, I learned that I was involuntary. I postponed my hearing in order to get some kind ofoutside help. I was told that a DBT group would be helpful, yet I was told that they could not refer me.

No one seemed like they could help with the parts work that I needed to do. Luckily my husband brought up markers so I could write in myjournal. At least I was able to begin some internal communication.

Right now I am going to see my therapist. I am hoping that he has a plan or I am scared that I will be back in the hospital. Right now I just need quite, peace, my medications, and a friend or two. It would be nice for someone to watch a movie or just talk to keep my mind off of all the self harm thoughts.

Another stay in the Hospital **May Trigger**

After seeing my therapist 2weeks ago I felt like no one cared or understood how bad things really were. I decided to go to the ER where they put me in the psychiatric part and examined me. I was able to get medicine for my cuts and burns. 

The psychiatrist assessed me and told me that I would sign a voluntary. I said yes, yet the voluntary was never brought to me when the ambulance came to transfer me, I learned that I was involuntary. I postponed my hearing in order to get some kind ofoutside help. I was told that a DBT group would be helpful, yet I was told that they could not refer me.

No one seemed like they could help with the parts work that I needed to do. Luckily my husband brought up markers so I could write in myjournal. At least I was able to begin some internal communication.

Right now I am going to see my therapist. I am hoping that he has a plan or I am scared that I will be back in the hospital. Right now I just need quite, peace, my medications, and a friend or two. It would be nice for someone to watch a movie or just talk to keep my mind off of all the self harm thoughts.

And It All Fell Down **May Trigger**

A two weeks ago I could not go on any longer and I self-harmed. I was put inpatient on Friday and released the following Monday.

Not one doctor could deal with my parts. None of my meds were changed and I felt worse leaving than when I came in. I told the doctor about how the parts felt about ending everything. They did not seem to care and sent me home that afternoon.

Less than 48 hours after discharge, I self- harmed two different times. Right now, I feel like I am falling apart. I see my therapist today and Friday. I saw my doctor today and will see him again this Friday. 

I am not sure what to do parts need serious help and they are not getting any. I am going to talk to The doctor about options for other hospitals. Since trauma is so unique, maybe I can find somewhere else to go. 

Right now my bags are packed. I am ready to go inpatient because I know that I need staff to watch me. I feel as if I have lost all hope at this point.

And It All Fell Down **May Trigger**

A two weeks ago I could not go on any longer and I self-harmed. I was put inpatient on Friday and released the following Monday.

Not one doctor could deal with my parts. None of my meds were changed and I felt worse leaving than when I came in. I told the doctor about how the parts felt about ending everything. They did not seem to care and sent me home that afternoon.

Less than 48 hours after discharge, I self- harmed two different times. Right now, I feel like I am falling apart. I see my therapist today and Friday. I saw my doctor today and will see him again this Friday. 

I am not sure what to do parts need serious help and they are not getting any. I am going to talk to The doctor about options for other hospitals. Since trauma is so unique, maybe I can find somewhere else to go. 

Right now my bags are packed. I am ready to go inpatient because I know that I need staff to watch me. I feel as if I have lost all hope at this point.

Week #4

I am already burnt out not even halfway through the semester. I need to enforce the modifications in my 504 plan. I need the adaptations to make it through the semester. Parking is crazy. I am so tired after having to talk so far. Then I have trouble staying awake in class. 

My kids are taking things better than expected. The always seem to find a reason to do their work with me. They motivate me to keep going.

Field is not going as well. My field instructor believes that my mental illness is going to have a negative effect on my work and capability in the field. I have had to go above my field instructor and I hate that. Why can’t I get through a semester without an issue?

The only saving grace is that I have therapy twice a week. That has helped to reduce the impact of secondary trauma. The times are effecting my school work, yet I need the time to work on my issues.

Stressed to the Max

Today is my first day of field. I am sick and excited all at the same time. I am scared to be here for an entire day. Normally, I can only go about 4 hours and then I will begin to fall apart. Hopefully, I can keep it together.

I have PRN’s, yet I am worried about taking them because they make me sleepy. This is going to be such a challenge.

The kids were over this weekend. My oldest moved downstairs and my youngest got a bigger room. They were happy. Now they each have a tv and either an x-box or a blue ray.

I have had to increase therapy to twice a week. My psychiatrist had stated that he is not going to do parts work with me. I really wonder why he went into trauma to begin with if he wanted to keep a huge divide between him and his patients. My therapist was great about finding an extra time for me to come each week. I am going to need something with all of this stress.

This really is one hour at a time. Then onto class this evening. At least I have off tomorrow. That should help with the stress and the sleep. Now just to see how today goes!

To Soon

I met with the liaison from the student disabilities office today. She was nice and seemed to think that all of my accommodations could be met next semester. There is still so much doubt that even with the modifications I may not be able to do this. There was a question about extended support. I do not have any. The best that I can do is to email my therapist.

Today, I took a chance and showed my therapist my artwork. He was able to see the maps that we had done and drawings that we have made. We feel like we are on the cusp of a breakthrough. We have been holding so much in for so long. Those that say that we cannot talk or that what we have to say is stupid or will not be believed. Our therapist ensured us again that anything that we say is confidential and acceptable.

I hate driving to this campus. Two years and it will be over. Two years which seem like I surmountable mountains ahead of me. I took a step today and I will take more over the next few weeks.

Another Day, Another Memory

Everyone around me is talking about Cinco de Mayo. They are excited about going out with friends and having a great time. Me, this is yet another nightmare that I had to live through. Another loss of a person that I could not get back. Actually, the loss of the first person that I was told that I just needed to get over and move on from.

Life just went on. No matter how bad or devastating something was there was not time to morn. Grief was not allowed. Today, that same grief still haunts me wherever I go and each year on anniversaries. Physically, I do not feel well. My stomach hurts and I can barely keep my eyes open. Mentally, I cannot focus and thoughts turn to dark places.

Yet, today is another day and no-one cares. There is not one person who can see the pain and agony on the inside. There are no physical wounds to show. There is nothing that is “wrong” for anyone to see. Everything is invisible. Once again, I just have to deal with it and go on like nothing has happened.

If They Knew **May Trigger**

Socially accepted. There are those who argue that mental illness has become more socially  accepted. I would argue against that idea. First, illnesses like depression and anxiety are accepted. I feel like this is because those are illness that medications are effective. Again, are we accepting or are we disguising. Then there are illnesses on the other end that are often misunderstood or even encouraged. The person who stops eating, loses weight, and whose behaviors are reenforced when they told that they look good. Those who hear voices or are paranoid of what is around them. Maybe it is me, yet I do not see people befriending and supporting them.

This brings me to a new series on a certain network. People seem to have taken sides. I have seen videos of that is not true, that the show is sensationalizing the issue. One thing I do know for me, is that I do know my abusers. I know the people who hurt me, who told me that I should have never been born, the people that put their hands on me. All of which resulted in me feeling like less of a person. If other factors are there at the same time, I have self-harmed and have even tried to take my own life. I am not proud of that, yet I wanted to stop feeling the pain.

Those around me are turned off when I talk about my mental illness. They want to ignore that I have a therapist or a psychiatrist and that I am unable to do things at times because they conflict with my appointments. People around me do not want to hear that I lost my kids due to the fact that I have a mental illness that unfortunately cannot be “fixed” by medicine. When I was diagnosed I lost people around me. The few who have stayed accept me and they are ok with the reality that I have bad days.

So what if people really knew. People discuss allergies, pain, and other chronic conditions. They receive empathy and are often asked if there is anything that will help them to feel better. What if I said that I was struggling with getting out of bed because I could not bear to face the memories that the day would cause due to my past trauma? What if I would say that I needed someone to support me because I was scared of self-harm? Would anyone be around and help, or would they suddenly have things that they need to do?

Would people be supportive if they knew? I don’t think so based on my experience. I think that they would act funny and then slowly disappear. I think that if I was working that I may lose my job or not get hired. For me, my mental illness is not ok to have to most people. I should get over it or deal with it. I wish that I could. Could someone tell me how? I would be happy to know.