Week #4

I am already burnt out not even halfway through the semester. I need to enforce the modifications in my 504 plan. I need the adaptations to make it through the semester. Parking is crazy. I am so tired after having to talk so far. Then I have trouble staying awake in class. 

My kids are taking things better than expected. The always seem to find a reason to do their work with me. They motivate me to keep going.

Field is not going as well. My field instructor believes that my mental illness is going to have a negative effect on my work and capability in the field. I have had to go above my field instructor and I hate that. Why can’t I get through a semester without an issue?

The only saving grace is that I have therapy twice a week. That has helped to reduce the impact of secondary trauma. The times are effecting my school work, yet I need the time to work on my issues.


Stressed to the Max

Today is my first day of field. I am sick and excited all at the same time. I am scared to be here for an entire day. Normally, I can only go about 4 hours and then I will begin to fall apart. Hopefully, I can keep it together.

I have PRN’s, yet I am worried about taking them because they make me sleepy. This is going to be such a challenge.

The kids were over this weekend. My oldest moved downstairs and my youngest got a bigger room. They were happy. Now they each have a tv and either an x-box or a blue ray.

I have had to increase therapy to twice a week. My psychiatrist had stated that he is not going to do parts work with me. I really wonder why he went into trauma to begin with if he wanted to keep a huge divide between him and his patients. My therapist was great about finding an extra time for me to come each week. I am going to need something with all of this stress.

This really is one hour at a time. Then onto class this evening. At least I have off tomorrow. That should help with the stress and the sleep. Now just to see how today goes!

To Soon

I met with the liaison from the student disabilities office today. She was nice and seemed to think that all of my accommodations could be met next semester. There is still so much doubt that even with the modifications I may not be able to do this. There was a question about extended support. I do not have any. The best that I can do is to email my therapist.

Today, I took a chance and showed my therapist my artwork. He was able to see the maps that we had done and drawings that we have made. We feel like we are on the cusp of a breakthrough. We have been holding so much in for so long. Those that say that we cannot talk or that what we have to say is stupid or will not be believed. Our therapist ensured us again that anything that we say is confidential and acceptable.

I hate driving to this campus. Two years and it will be over. Two years which seem like I surmountable mountains ahead of me. I took a step today and I will take more over the next few weeks.

Another Day, Another Memory

Everyone around me is talking about Cinco de Mayo. They are excited about going out with friends and having a great time. Me, this is yet another nightmare that I had to live through. Another loss of a person that I could not get back. Actually, the loss of the first person that I was told that I just needed to get over and move on from.

Life just went on. No matter how bad or devastating something was there was not time to morn. Grief was not allowed. Today, that same grief still haunts me wherever I go and each year on anniversaries. Physically, I do not feel well. My stomach hurts and I can barely keep my eyes open. Mentally, I cannot focus and thoughts turn to dark places.

Yet, today is another day and no-one cares. There is not one person who can see the pain and agony on the inside. There are no physical wounds to show. There is nothing that is “wrong” for anyone to see. Everything is invisible. Once again, I just have to deal with it and go on like nothing has happened.

If They Knew **May Trigger**

Socially accepted. There are those who argue that mental illness has become more socially  accepted. I would argue against that idea. First, illnesses like depression and anxiety are accepted. I feel like this is because those are illness that medications are effective. Again, are we accepting or are we disguising. Then there are illnesses on the other end that are often misunderstood or even encouraged. The person who stops eating, loses weight, and whose behaviors are reenforced when they told that they look good. Those who hear voices or are paranoid of what is around them. Maybe it is me, yet I do not see people befriending and supporting them.

This brings me to a new series on a certain network. People seem to have taken sides. I have seen videos of that is not true, that the show is sensationalizing the issue. One thing I do know for me, is that I do know my abusers. I know the people who hurt me, who told me that I should have never been born, the people that put their hands on me. All of which resulted in me feeling like less of a person. If other factors are there at the same time, I have self-harmed and have even tried to take my own life. I am not proud of that, yet I wanted to stop feeling the pain.

Those around me are turned off when I talk about my mental illness. They want to ignore that I have a therapist or a psychiatrist and that I am unable to do things at times because they conflict with my appointments. People around me do not want to hear that I lost my kids due to the fact that I have a mental illness that unfortunately cannot be “fixed” by medicine. When I was diagnosed I lost people around me. The few who have stayed accept me and they are ok with the reality that I have bad days.

So what if people really knew. People discuss allergies, pain, and other chronic conditions. They receive empathy and are often asked if there is anything that will help them to feel better. What if I said that I was struggling with getting out of bed because I could not bear to face the memories that the day would cause due to my past trauma? What if I would say that I needed someone to support me because I was scared of self-harm? Would anyone be around and help, or would they suddenly have things that they need to do?

Would people be supportive if they knew? I don’t think so based on my experience. I think that they would act funny and then slowly disappear. I think that if I was working that I may lose my job or not get hired. For me, my mental illness is not ok to have to most people. I should get over it or deal with it. I wish that I could. Could someone tell me how? I would be happy to know.

Feeling Horrible is the Norm

Three weeks left in the semester. Three weeks of having to wake up, go to class, and finish work. My mind knows that I need to complete this in order to move forward. Well, part of my mind. The other part of my mind is over this. All it wants is to be able to rest, stay home, avoid people, and isolate in every way possible.

Not that isolating for long periods is helpful, yet there are some times that one just needs to be alone and be able to journal, color, or watch tv alone. There are still the mornings where I need to see my therapist or psychiatrist. There are still the visits with my kids. So, I cannot isolate for to long even if I want to.

Right now, I am having issues with eating. To much, not to little. I am having thoughts of self harm that I need to use skills in order not to act on to stay out of the hospital. There are mornings that I just do not want to get up because my body does not have the strength to get out of bed.  It is like my joints and muscles are not functioning. I just want to be able to sleep.

This weekend was one example. I just wanted to sleep and I used my self to do what I had to complete. Even though i completed the task that day, the next day, I could not function. I could barely stand up and I felt that I was in a fog.

This morning I still feel that way. The fog that envelopes me. The parts that are fighting to get their way of just staying home. The parts that are angry at having to go anywhere and therefore want to act out. That normally means lashing out at people around us. We are trying not too. We are trying to be appropriate and promising parts that we will go directly home.

Instead of self harm, we think about the fact that we promised our doctor that we would stay safe and we respect him. It would feel so much better to just be able to act on those impulses.

An entirely different issue is the kids. One of my kids has decided that he is no longer going to talk or communicate with me. His father supports this and is not assisting in attempting to get a relationship going again. My other two children are struggling. They want to see me, yet they are being told that I do not care, I am not giving their other parent enough money, that I do not see them as much as I can, and then the list goes on. It seems like no matter what I do, it is not going to be enough. I fear that what happened with one of my children will happen with the other two. It is just a matter of time. Money and power go a long way and can easily manipulate a child.

Deeper Down the Rabbit Hole **May Trigger**

There have been those bad days. The ones where I just want to end it all and can rationalize that I have nothing and no one to live for. The days that I have wanted to put the plans that I have had in place and just be able to not feel any longer.

Then there is where I am now. Going through life on auto pilot. Just doing enough to get by. When I wake up in the morning I barely have the strength or the energy to get out of bed I am so depressed. I just go through the motions.

That has been hard with school. I am supposed to go to class. I have papers that are due. The only problem is that when I barely have the energy and focus to get out of bed, a paper feels like a mountain. It becomes this dance of one paragraph then rest. Then another paragraph until a rough draft emerges. If I am lucky, I can go over that and make changes for a final draft to turn in. That sounds good. To open the computer has been a struggle.

Parts of me wonder if this is all worth it. Am I just going through all of this stress for nothing. It would be so much better and less triggering if I did not have these papers or these topics.

I wanted to go into this field to advocate for those who did not have a voice. For those who needed someone to listen to their journey and accept the progress and the slip ups. Instead, this has taken me on my own journey through my own hell. Sometimes, it is just to much. The fire is to close and I am getting burned. Whatever grade I get on these papers is not as important as the fact that I went through all of this to get them done.

Down the rabbit hole I go, into a world that only I knew at one time, yet has to be revealed to my doctors in order to get better. A long time ago I said that I would not give up my parts. In some ways that is still true, yet in order to function outside of our home, we need to change the description. We need less and and less feelings of persecution. We need to realize that not everyone left because of us. Most of all we need to work on feeling worth something.

Things are Just Getting Worse **May Trigger**

I thought that I was doing ok. I was maintaining a healthy weight, my self harm urges were manageable, and my attitude was ok. At least it seemed pretty even.

School is stressing me out. I am at the I just want to give up point again. The stress is causing me to use food to feel better or at least forget what is wrong. Then there is the ramifications of overeating. The weight gain and the guilt. And the cycle continues. 

I am thinking about self harm. There are so many pros at this time and so few cons. Even going into the hospital knowing that it will mess up my visitation with my kids does not seem to be enough.

Right now I need some support. It seems like when I was not eating right everyone was concerned about the loss, yet no one seems equally concerned about the gain or the ramifications of that. 

I need to figure out what is best for me right now. I feel like I am alone in that decision. I just wish that I had some support right now. Someone to encourage health behaviors instead of what is going on at the moment.

I Wish I Had Something Happy to Write

Depressed, tired, overwhelmed, Etc. Pick a negative word and I can probably relate to it at this point. This semester is sucking everything out of me and I am not even through the first month of school. I am seriously considering if I have taken on to much. Can I really handle this at this time.

The topics that we are talking about are not happy. The pictures are raw and uncensored. Professor accounts are to detailed. Having to walk to some of the campus is hurting my body so badly that when I do make it to class the only thing that I want to do is rest. Other classmates are loud and I cannot deal with the conversations that are going on around me.

There is still the stuff to be done out of class. Readings, papers, and projects. Then there is all of the things to do for home and for my dance class that I teach. Add it all up and it all turns into one big mess.

Medication is not going to help this. There is not a break for weeks. I cannot keep going like this without a major meltdown. Then thinking about a meltdown causes me to plummet even farther down the rabbit hole. If I have to go into the hospital, I lose time with my kids and have to jump through hoops just to begin to see them again. Then I am concerned that my ex would not follow the agreement yet again and I would not see the kids for even longer.

Have I reached a bottom that I cannot pull myself out of at this point? Maybe I have.



Slowly Moving Forward

Life is overwhelming right now. The end of the semester, the holidays, and everything that is still going on legally with my ex. Add to that finals, papers, and a grad school application. Plus teaching dance one night a week. 

My doctor actually wrote me a prescription to take time out for me. When exactly I am supposed to make that time is still a mystery. 

My brain cannot handle anymore. I am hoping to get through these last couple of weeks. My application for grad school has stalled. How do I limit personal statements to 300 meaningful words that will convey how much I want to work with children and families in need. There does not seem to be enough space.

The holidays are hard this year. I am lucky to have two of my children excited to spend time with me. My oldest child has chosen not to be here yet again. I have tried to talk and figure out how to fix the relationship, yet nothing seems to work. I am so afraid that I have lost him at this point. I am still fighting to get him back. I am still fighting for a relationship.

Then there are my abusers. My parents. I would love to be able to have a relationship with them. If only we could break through the facade that was built up over the years and accept reality. Yeah, things were horrible when I was younger. They were controlling and manipulative. Now, we are all adults, yet they think that time is over for any kind of relationship. I think that it is to hard for them to face what they have done and how much hurt and struggle it has caused.

I am lucky to have people in my life that remind me that life is worth living and being a part of. People who will cuddle on the couch and just watch a show. People who continue to tell me that I can do this even though every part of me doubts myself. People who see past the illness to the person inside that wants to get out. People who just give a hug for no reason at all and expect nothing in return.

The holidays are hard. No doubt about that. They bring up memories that I would rather forget. They also allow me to spend time with the people who accept me. This year. I am trying to focus on those that are there and do want me in their lives. Sounds easy, right!!