Deeper Down the Rabbit Hole **May Trigger**

There have been those bad days. The ones where I just want to end it all and can rationalize that I have nothing and no one to live for. The days that I have wanted to put the plans that I have had in place and just be able to not feel any longer.

Then there is where I am now. Going through life on auto pilot. Just doing enough to get by. When I wake up in the morning I barely have the strength or the energy to get out of bed I am so depressed. I just go through the motions.

That has been hard with school. I am supposed to go to class. I have papers that are due. The only problem is that when I barely have the energy and focus to get out of bed, a paper feels like a mountain. It becomes this dance of one paragraph then rest. Then another paragraph until a rough draft emerges. If I am lucky, I can go over that and make changes for a final draft to turn in. That sounds good. To open the computer has been a struggle.

Parts of me wonder if this is all worth it. Am I just going through all of this stress for nothing. It would be so much better and less triggering if I did not have these papers or these topics.

I wanted to go into this field to advocate for those who did not have a voice. For those who needed someone to listen to their journey and accept the progress and the slip ups. Instead, this has taken me on my own journey through my own hell. Sometimes, it is just to much. The fire is to close and I am getting burned. Whatever grade I get on these papers is not as important as the fact that I went through all of this to get them done.

Down the rabbit hole I go, into a world that only I knew at one time, yet has to be revealed to my doctors in order to get better. A long time ago I said that I would not give up my parts. In some ways that is still true, yet in order to function outside of our home, we need to change the description. We need less and and less feelings of persecution. We need to realize that not everyone left because of us. Most of all we need to work on feeling worth something.

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Things are Just Getting Worse **May Trigger**

I thought that I was doing ok. I was maintaining a healthy weight, my self harm urges were manageable, and my attitude was ok. At least it seemed pretty even.

School is stressing me out. I am at the I just want to give up point again. The stress is causing me to use food to feel better or at least forget what is wrong. Then there is the ramifications of overeating. The weight gain and the guilt. And the cycle continues. 

I am thinking about self harm. There are so many pros at this time and so few cons. Even going into the hospital knowing that it will mess up my visitation with my kids does not seem to be enough.

Right now I need some support. It seems like when I was not eating right everyone was concerned about the loss, yet no one seems equally concerned about the gain or the ramifications of that. 

I need to figure out what is best for me right now. I feel like I am alone in that decision. I just wish that I had some support right now. Someone to encourage health behaviors instead of what is going on at the moment.

I Wish I Had Something Happy to Write

Depressed, tired, overwhelmed, Etc. Pick a negative word and I can probably relate to it at this point. This semester is sucking everything out of me and I am not even through the first month of school. I am seriously considering if I have taken on to much. Can I really handle this at this time.

The topics that we are talking about are not happy. The pictures are raw and uncensored. Professor accounts are to detailed. Having to walk to some of the campus is hurting my body so badly that when I do make it to class the only thing that I want to do is rest. Other classmates are loud and I cannot deal with the conversations that are going on around me.

There is still the stuff to be done out of class. Readings, papers, and projects. Then there is all of the things to do for home and for my dance class that I teach. Add it all up and it all turns into one big mess.

Medication is not going to help this. There is not a break for weeks. I cannot keep going like this without a major meltdown. Then thinking about a meltdown causes me to plummet even farther down the rabbit hole. If I have to go into the hospital, I lose time with my kids and have to jump through hoops just to begin to see them again. Then I am concerned that my ex would not follow the agreement yet again and I would not see the kids for even longer.

Have I reached a bottom that I cannot pull myself out of at this point? Maybe I have.

 

 

Slowly Moving Forward

Life is overwhelming right now. The end of the semester, the holidays, and everything that is still going on legally with my ex. Add to that finals, papers, and a grad school application. Plus teaching dance one night a week. 

My doctor actually wrote me a prescription to take time out for me. When exactly I am supposed to make that time is still a mystery. 

My brain cannot handle anymore. I am hoping to get through these last couple of weeks. My application for grad school has stalled. How do I limit personal statements to 300 meaningful words that will convey how much I want to work with children and families in need. There does not seem to be enough space.

The holidays are hard this year. I am lucky to have two of my children excited to spend time with me. My oldest child has chosen not to be here yet again. I have tried to talk and figure out how to fix the relationship, yet nothing seems to work. I am so afraid that I have lost him at this point. I am still fighting to get him back. I am still fighting for a relationship.

Then there are my abusers. My parents. I would love to be able to have a relationship with them. If only we could break through the facade that was built up over the years and accept reality. Yeah, things were horrible when I was younger. They were controlling and manipulative. Now, we are all adults, yet they think that time is over for any kind of relationship. I think that it is to hard for them to face what they have done and how much hurt and struggle it has caused.

I am lucky to have people in my life that remind me that life is worth living and being a part of. People who will cuddle on the couch and just watch a show. People who continue to tell me that I can do this even though every part of me doubts myself. People who see past the illness to the person inside that wants to get out. People who just give a hug for no reason at all and expect nothing in return.

The holidays are hard. No doubt about that. They bring up memories that I would rather forget. They also allow me to spend time with the people who accept me. This year. I am trying to focus on those that are there and do want me in their lives. Sounds easy, right!!

Exhausted 

I am so glad that I get a little break with the upcoming holiday. I get to see my kids and decorate the house. Little for Christmas.

As of right now, all my body wants to do is sleep. I am mentally and physically exhausted.I just want to sleep and have some rest. This semester and the topics that have been covered have been rough.

Maybe this has prepared me for next semester. Right now, my body is tired and had had enough. It is fighting to stay awake and alertt for class.

Being physically and mentally spent sucks!! There is a large part of me that just wants to go home and sleep. The memories have been overwhelming. Nightmares are almost nightly. I feel unsafe wherever I go. I need a break!!

There is Nowhere Left to Push **May Trigger**

Only 4 more weeks. You are doing this. Remember what your long term goal is. All words of encouragement and I know that I am lucky to have them.

The only problem is that at this point I cannot see through the haze of PTSD. Two of my classes bring issues up that are either upsetting or invalidating. Race is a huge topic in one of my classes along with oppression. I think of all of the opportunities and other things that I have lost because of mental illness. There are places that I will never be able to work, I have lost custody of my kids and only have visitation, I take medication everyday just to function,yet when I go to a doctor are a blazing red flag that I have a mental illness. Then there is the other invisible diagnosis. Fibromyalgia. Pain that shoots from my spine to my feet, memory issues, more medication, and the sometimes visible limp that happens on the really bad days.

Both illnesses are tiring physically and mentally. There is nowhere left to push. I feel like I cannot walk another step forward. I just want to go to my doctor’s and try to work out everything that is going on. 

I know that I have papers and I need to go to class. My body is going through the motion, yet my mind is a million miles away. Thoughts turn to the child who does not want to see or talk to me. The divide that seems to be growing larger between my other two children and myself. The constant thoughts of suicide and self-harm that draw me in and have the comfort of bringing release from all of the outside world.

Sure, I look like everyone else on the outside. I go to class and take notes. All the while thinking about why I am even doing this. Looking forward, I do not see life getting better. I see additional court battles and nightmares that I do not want to face, yet need to if I am going to keep moving forward.

Physically and mentally, I have reached the breaking point. Life does not seem worth it. It is to much of a struggle to not get anywhere or even feel like I am going in reverse. 

Yesterday, I had an exam and completely blanked. Not unusual, I know that everyone does that. Mine was due to the flashbacks that I was having. The old nightmares that haunt my day as well as my night.

Right now, I need to find something to pull me out of this enough to finish this semester. I am not sure what that is at this point. I feel lost and alone.

A Different Normal

Being tired and having to push through a class. Recording every class because I have missed half of the notes because I have dissociated. 

Having to park in a handicapped space on campus because I cannot walk the entire way. Scheduling classes so that I will have the time that I need to mentally rest or go see the doctor.

This has become my new normal. I did not ask for it, yet it is there. I have had to figure out a new way to study. A new way to attend class so that I will not run out. Where I feel safe on campus.

Before I was ill, I could go anywhere and walk as much as I wanted. I could read something once and remember it or I could write a paper coherently. I could walk across campus and back again. 

Now I have to plan where I am going to go. Walking hurts and adds to the exhaustion. 

There are some positives. I am passing all of my classes, I still see my kids, and I have support. I do not know where I would be without that support. Every time that I am down, they have encouraged me to get  back up and focus on the end goal. I wonder if the end goal is ever going to happen. Then, suddenly, another day has gone by and then another. 

I have to admit, I am looking forward to winter break!! I am exhausted. I can catch up on sleep and journaling. Maybe even color a little before the semester and the stress start all over again!

Is This All to Much??

School, dance,the rec council, the kids, treatment, and self care. I am overwhelmed by it all. I do not have a day to get a break. This week my foot went numb and when I went to get up, I sprained it. My fibromyalgia and anxiety are so high that I barely make it to class, yet be able to focus on anything.

On top of all of that, my kids are being  taken out of the country for a week. I have been on the not eat anything and then binge cycle. Above all, I am exhausted. 

This afternoon, I took a break to watch movies and relax. It felt good to not worry for once. My schoolwork will still be there tomorrow. I needed the me time or I would not be any good with schoolwork this weekend and I have a test coming up.

Part of my treatment team had been out for the past two weeks and is back next week. I understand that I need to see my therapist every week, yet I am not so sure about my psychiatrist! It just is a long day! 

Hopefully, I will get some sleep tonight and get some work done tomorrow. The kids will be here tomorrow night, so I need to get some work finished before they get here! 

Do I Have Too??

Another morning at school. I am sitting in my car as more cars are coming in. My anxiety is high this morning. I do not feel that I can deal with all of the commotion on campus today. I really felt like staying home this morning and working on schoolwork.

Yet, here I am. I sprayed some pumpkin scent into the car. I know that when I get home I will be able to sit in front of the light box my husband bought me. It was suggested that I had seasonal affective disorder because I get so depressed in the fall. I tried the light yesterday. Today, I can sit under it for the full time.

Days just seem to be going by anymore. I am slowly gettting all of my work completed even though it is a struggle. All I see when I look out of my eyes is stress. My heart pounds and my anxiety rises. I feel trapped. Maybe I should just stay in my car for a while. Maybe that will help me to calm down. Yet, sitting in a garage scares me. What if someone comes up to my car. I really want to be at home with my cat and blanket. Able to play music and study. 

Instead, I am here. 

Separated

  • I walk down the hall to my therapist’ office. On the one hand I know where I am. On the other I feel like I am outside of myself looking into me. I know this is the dissociation. The separation of my body with the world around me. Feeling like I am just going through the motions.
  • Last night my husband said that I was doing well. I guess from the outside it looks that way. I am going to class, doctor’s appointments, and dance. Physically, I am doing those things. My mind seems a million miles away. Inside I am falling apart piece by piece. 
  • It is like a fog that I cannot escape. The medications are not helping. They cannot take the memories and the nightmares away. The memories are overwhelming. The past is so much a part of my present.
  • I have therapy today. Hopefully it will help a little and I can feel more connected to me.