Unreal

When my therapist asked me how I felt yesterday I replied that I felt unreal and out of my body. It is like I am just watching things go on around me.

Maybe I feel like I do not have a say in what goes on. Life just happens. Visits with the kids, feeding the pets, and so on. It is like I am on auto pilot and cannot find myself anywhere.

I am losing so much time anymore. I do not watch TV series because I cannot remember them. I can read the same book over and over and not remember what it is about. I tune out all the time and do not even realize it because this coping mechanism has become such a large part of my life.

My therapist suggested a service dog may be a good idea in the future. One that could detect when I dissociate and be able to get me back to the present. The cost is just prohibitive at this point.

Another day has started that I honestly will not remember. The cats need to be fed in a few hours and then I am not sure what will happen.

The Direction of Therapy

My therapist and I spent an entire session going over therapy expectations. Let me go back to three years ago. I had been seeing a psychiatrist who my parts transferred with. They thought of her as a mother figure. She went over their art and had seen them for six years. She left to take a position as a consultant and would no longer be seeing patients.

Now, apparently that is not how therapy with someone who has DID is done. The entire person is looked at as an adult, even though most of their parts can be kids. Not that I want anyone getting down on the floor to play. My younger parts like to draw and have stopped because they did not think that they or their drawings were wanted in therapy.

My therapist states that he wants to know all of us. I am not sure how that is going to happen. Then him and my psychiatrist spoke about how even the hospital does not help me anymore. I just get out and continue the same way. So apparently I will not be going into the hospital any longer. It makes me feel like my illness is hopeless. That the events in my life have taken over my future. If I even have much of a future??

Luckily, I can come home to the cats and my husband who do not see me as screwed up or damaged. They just see me for who I am. Right now, I will take that win and continue to deal with the therapist.

I Think I Scared the Resident

I went to the new doctor yesterday. I think that she thought it would be an easy appointment. It was anything but easy. She saw all of the evidence of my self harm and of course the typical questions followed. I told her the truth and said that I have had a plan since I was around 10 years old.

Why aren’t doctors taught about patients who have experienced trauma? Instead they are put into situations where they are overwhelmed by the patient. Not only do I have a list of diagnoses, i also have a lot of medical issues. The doctor did not seem to know where to start.

Tests were ordered and I have to return in a couple of months. I am glad the doctor is being careful, yet I am scared that the doctor is in over her head. Maybe she will turn out to be one of the best doctors that I have had, if not at least she will gain some experience.

On another front, therapy is not going well. My parts do not feel heard or even like they have a place in therapy. We have had one doctor who could handle us and she is gone. At least she acknowledged that multiple parts could experience an event completely differently. Right now we feel unheard. We feel like the therapist is trying to sweep us away instead of making us part of the therapy. We are hopeless that things will change at this point and are considering options where we may have a chance to participate.

Right now, we are lost. We do not belong anywhere except for hidden on the inside. We have had to many years of that to keep doing it, it does not work and eventually leads to self harm as a way of expressing that those parts are there. We are hoping that something gets resolved soon.

A Whole New Therapy

I really need to begin discussing the details of my trauma in therapy. Now that I do not live by my abusers, I feel like I can finally open up without having to worry about getting triggered on the ride home.

It has been a difficult decision not to call my mom, yet I know that it is for the best. She does not want to have anything to do with me.

I always tried to avoid what happened in therapy. I know that in order to get better I need to relive all of the feelings and details that I can remember.

I will be happy to start completing art work when I get the room finished. That should help some of my parts express themselves.

And It All Fell Down **May Trigger**

A two weeks ago I could not go on any longer and I self-harmed. I was put inpatient on Friday and released the following Monday.

Not one doctor could deal with my parts. None of my meds were changed and I felt worse leaving than when I came in. I told the doctor about how the parts felt about ending everything. They did not seem to care and sent me home that afternoon.

Less than 48 hours after discharge, I self- harmed two different times. Right now, I feel like I am falling apart. I see my therapist today and Friday. I saw my doctor today and will see him again this Friday. 

I am not sure what to do parts need serious help and they are not getting any. I am going to talk to The doctor about options for other hospitals. Since trauma is so unique, maybe I can find somewhere else to go. 

Right now my bags are packed. I am ready to go inpatient because I know that I need staff to watch me. I feel as if I have lost all hope at this point.

And It All Fell Down **May Trigger**

A two weeks ago I could not go on any longer and I self-harmed. I was put inpatient on Friday and released the following Monday.

Not one doctor could deal with my parts. None of my meds were changed and I felt worse leaving than when I came in. I told the doctor about how the parts felt about ending everything. They did not seem to care and sent me home that afternoon.

Less than 48 hours after discharge, I self- harmed two different times. Right now, I feel like I am falling apart. I see my therapist today and Friday. I saw my doctor today and will see him again this Friday. 

I am not sure what to do parts need serious help and they are not getting any. I am going to talk to The doctor about options for other hospitals. Since trauma is so unique, maybe I can find somewhere else to go. 

Right now my bags are packed. I am ready to go inpatient because I know that I need staff to watch me. I feel as if I have lost all hope at this point.

All of Me

I have PTSD, with that I also have Dissociative Identity Disorder. Over the years my treatment team has worked with my parts to increase how well I function and my safety.

With the loss of my psychiatrist, I feel lost. Some of my parts do not know who they can trust or turn too. Parts that want to normally express themselves through art are refusing. Even going to dance seems like to much right now. 

I know my parts are all me, yet right now it is hard to remember that. This loss has created a division. I am scared of where this can lead too. 

We need to be able to completely confide in our therapist, yet it has been so hard to do that. Our psychiatrist had become the therapist for some of us. Now she is no longer a part of our lives.

I do not want to go back inpatient. It would affect to many aspects of my life. The challenge is going to be finding ways to go on one day at a time.

Another Day

As long as I keep looking forward , I guess that is a positive way to be. I have a midterm today and another assignment due. Tomorrow my fibromyalgia and the fact that I am sick are telling my body it needs to rest.

Last night I talked to my kids as I always do. I am lucky to have teenagers that still tell me they love me and hug me when they see me.

Dancing is a huge part of my life. No matter where I go, I need to make sure that I am in some type of class. It a nice to see the same people every week and get to know them.

Therapy is hard right now. We are trying to figure out a different way of working that will work for all of my parts. Some of them are more on board than others. I have to work at this. I cannot go back into the hospital. For the kids and for myself. Not to mention how upset me husband would be.

Hospital Trouble

I know what my diagnoses are and I am comfortable, to a point, with them. I have accepted that I am mentally ill and need treatment.

Currently, parts are having issues with food. A locked unit is not an option at this point. We started to look for residential treatment. We thought that if a hospital treated both eating and trauma that they would accept us.

We were so wrong!!! We have been turned down by hospitals because of the DID diagnosis. We guess that even among the mental health community we are to different.

For one treatment center, I needed to see a doctor and get some tests done. After trying to get an appointment for over a week, I saw a medical doctor yesterday. My scars flipped him out! He actually left the room and they are no worse than anyone may have if they do not self- harm.

A 15 minute appointment turned into 2 hours Nd suddenly he had turned from medical doctor to therapist. All he needed to do was take my pulse and listen to my heart. I told him that I have a therapist and that is what they do.

So, after being turned down by centers, I am down to two. Hopefully one will take me. I really do not want to have to go through another phone assessment again!! Crossing my fingers that this week will end with an a acceptance to treatment. I feel like I am back applying for colleges. I never knew that I could be rejected by psychiatric facilities!! Another lesson:-)

Please Stop Telling Me What Is Going On With Me

In my opinion, my therapist and psychiatrist are good. They listen and try to give assignments and advice that relates to what is going on with me based on what I tell them.

**MAY TRIGGER**

They do not get to see or hear everything that is going on. In my case I have DID. The doctor can be talking to one part while another is shouting about what i or the doctor is saying at the time. My life is complicated. Days run into each other and so do experiences. I realize that the doctor can only treat what I tell them about, yet I have drawings that map my parts and what each remembers. What happens to that information.

Assignments become triggering or irrelevant depending on what it is. I am tired of hearing it will get better with time, For me, it has been seven years. I still have the same nightmares, the same memories, the same fears. I have been working and journaling, yet none of it seems to help. The work just seems to stir more up.

The doctors are so happy that I got out what the assignment was that they do not see the landfall that they have created. I wish that everything could be put into a nice box. That the doctor could say to draw a safe place or write about how I feel and I would feel better. The only problem is that with so many parts, the safe place for one part may trigger memories for another part. All I tend to think, is here we go again.

Then there are the parts that refuse to show themselves. They are buried deep inside and would like to keep it that way. Why bring up the nightmare if I do not have to. Then, I wonder if the nightmare is really that bad. On top of that, the doctor will focus in on that one nightmare. The only problem is that the nightmare is one of many.

Having PTSD is like a choose your own adventure book sometimes. Follow the path of the memory and eventually one will come to an ending. Not always the same ending and sometimes the path diverges. What trauma do you want to hear about today??

Stop picking me apart. Stop telling me it will get better. Stop trying to separate events that cannot be separated. Most of all realize that there is so much more going on besides what you are hearing,

I said to my husband the other day that those of us with DID should be able to live together, It seems like we can often give each other the best advice, esp. on bad days when parts may be fighting. It would be nice to have people to feel “normal” around, Who know what you are going through, Who can give you suggestions on how to talk to your doctor because they have been there.

So to the doctor’s out there. I know that many of you are great, yet you only see a small fragment of us. Please try to listen more and talk less. Maybe other parts have a different opinion. All sides need to be heard before anything can be done!!