It is Out of My Hands

I met with my field liaison yesterday. I was informed that the principal no longer wanted me in the school. I have only had one brief encounter with him, yet he is saying that I was diagnosing the three clients on my caseload and was disrespecting him in front of students.

In to next two weeks I am going to have to go in front of a review board who will decide my fate. It could be that I need to take this year over, I could fail field, or I could be expelled from the program. None of the options sound very good. This also goes on my permanent transcript that I could not make it in this field placement.

A large part of me just wants to quit. I do not want to have to keep going to two classes that I may have to repeat. I know that I have PTSD. I know that I have other mental illnesses. I have them, I do not diagnos them. At this point, I just want to walk in on Monday and drop out of the program. Maybe this is not for me. Truly, I am not sure what to do. I do know this is to much stress!!

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Week 3 Feels Like Week 12🙁

It is only the third week of class. I feel like I can barely keep my head above water between the readings and papers. All of my papers are due in the first two months of class. This is not an easy schedule with therapy twice a week and seeing my psychiatrist.

Then there is waking up early on Monday to get the kids to school. They want to come for their optional weekends. The only issue is balancing time with them and school. I really want to spend more time with them, yet I have so much work.

Therapy has become more challenging. We need all parts to begin to work with our therapist, yet all are not sure how they feel about “coming out” to him and revealing who we all are. That will make us vulnerable. Are we ready for that?

At least I will have time to work on my paper this evening. I also somehow need to complete all of my readings for tomorrow!!

Overwhelmed!!! I can ask for an extension due to my 504, yet I feel like I should be able to do this like everyone else without turning assignments in late. Maybe I just need to accept that I am going to need a little help to get through this.

Today is just beginning. At least I have arrived safely from the parking garage! One item down for the day.

How is This Supposed to Work??

I have one more week until school begins. Luckily, I was able to get all of the accommodations for my disability. That makes me feel better about class. I am still skeptical about parking. So me of the areas near the school are sketchy. I think the anxiety about parking is worse than my anxiety about clinical at this time.

The kids are back with their dad for right now. I am going to try to complete some me prep work for this semester. We had a good time over their visit. I like having time with them. I get to see how they are during the day and what they really do all day. 

Today, I have my appointment with my psychiatrist. We do not see things the same way. I think I am more upset after the visit them before I go in. This person tries, they just do not seem to get it. Even when I say how I am doing I am not believed. There is no trust there!

What a Change!!

I woke up this morning and like everyone else saw that Donald Trump had won the election. I try to stay out of politics as much as possible. 

This is different. He wants to take away the rights of groups that have fought for rights for years. Women, mentally ill, minorities, and other people who do not fit his idea of America. I am concerned by what freedoms will be taken away from us. How will we be treated when the acceptance disappears slowly before us.

The only thing that I can do is to take it one day at a time and to fight where I can. E-mails, phone calls, letters: anything to make a person take a second look at what their decision really means.

Today, I am truly worried for people. Do we have to go back into hiding and go behind closed doors. Are we going to be put into institutions because we are different or denied service.

Please, for those of you who are in any category that Trump deems “wrong” support each other. It is the only way that we are all going to get through this. By becoming one voice and standing up for one another we have power.

Giving Up

I feel like I want to give up. I have gone back to school and was 10 weeks from graduation. My days have begun to run together. Every time I look at facebook. I realize how far ahead of me everyone is with their life.

As far as I am concerned, I am a failure. My first degree is not useable without going back for more schooling. That means money that I do not have and I am not sure that I want to start all over again. What if I cannot get through another program. What would I do then?

My eating disorder is strong right now. It is the only thing that I feel that I can control at this point. Sometimes, I wonder why I am still here? My life has become
staying in one room of my home. I either cannot sleep or sleep all day.

I just wished that therre were someone with what I have that I could talk too. That understood what this is like and know how alone this illness can make someone.

Today I am close to the botttom. Hopefully, I can pull out of this and start living again instead of just getting through the day!

Knowing Where I Have Been

Knowing Where I Have Been

First, thank you again to everyone who is reading my blog. It means so much to me. I was fortunate enough to be nominated by a fellow blogger for a Sunshine Award. I am still trying to figure this blogging out, so thank you and I am looking at how to proceed!!

The other day I was talking to a group of patients in and inpatient setting, and suddenly realized that I had to know where I had been to know where I was going. Over the past week, I have looked into going back to work. It is a scary thought for me. For all of the times that I did work, I was not able to keep any one job for more than a year. That is not what I want to do at this point.

Like any job hunter I thought about my skills. There are so many that I cannot put down on a resume. Being knowledgable about the intake procedures on a psychiatric unit, helping others on the unit while being helped at the same time, lending an ear to a fellow patient, getting the results of tests that were negative just to have to go through more testing.

Then I thought about what my “marketable” skills were. I can type, yet not very fast. I like to help people. I have a CNA and I know CPR. I am not sure how these are going to help in my job search.

I do not have bumper stickers or t-shirts that say that I have any type of illness, yet me being ill is what got me here. I am stronger because I was able to leave an abusive marriage and talk about the horrible things that happened to me as a child. Today, I like myself better than I did before I was committed to a psych unit. People look different to me now. I would rather sit down and talk to someone than pass judgement.

I am proud of who I am. Maybe I cannot type 40 WPM or use the latest version of Excel, yet I can get along with a variety of people and adapt to all sorts of situations. What I have been through has made me stronger. So while, I will not be putting my hospitalizations down on my resume, I am not sure I can just forget them or move on. I am not sure how I will answer interview questions.. Well, yes I am. Honestly. I am just going to be who I am!!

We Are Not All the Same

We Are Not All the Same

**May Trigger**

The shells in the picture are representative of people. People who have not experienced illness, those with illnesses, and those who do not know.
I have Complex PTSD, depression, Fibromyalgia, arthritis. I am not my illnesses.

Yesterday, I experienced yet another weird ailment that I needed to go to the doctor for. The nurse who called me back was not very friendly. As I was returning from using the restroom, I overheard her saying to the doctor that the next patient has anxiety and PTSD. “I bet you just want this to be over.”

Hold on, I am a person like anyone else and deserve the same medical treatment as anyone else. Yes, I have PTSD, yet this doctor does not know me or my symptoms. I have met many people with PTSD along my journey, they are all unique and deserve to be treated that way.

Yesterday, was not about my mental health. I actually had a physical symptom going on with me. I was insulted and then I realized that so many doctors are ignorant. People have become a diagnosis to them. Whether it is mental or physical, they expect everyone to present the same.

As patients, we are all unique. Our diagnosis may be the same, yet we present differently. Just look at the bloggers on here. None of us write the same, yet we are all blogging.

It is just so frustrating that the doctor does not look at the entire picture. He/She looks at fragments of the picture. One day it is the back pain, another a knee, another my loss of balance. In the meantime, I am a whole person and all of this is related.

The only thing that I can do is to fight for myself and fight to be listened to. When I feel that a doctor is ignoring me or not understanding, I am the only one who can make them understand me. I am more than the name of a diagnosis.

Each shell, as each person is unique. Two may seem alike, yet there are always slight differences. It is in those difference that we are each are own person.

Looking UP

Looking UP

Sometimes I feel as if I am just looking up and cannot get anywhere even though I want to. I see everyone around me having successes and moving forward, while I feel that I am stuck in one place.

While I feel that I making improvements in therapy, they are baby steps. Sometimes taking a month to get through one small part of a memory. At least I am working!

Then there is all of the physical crap. I do not care about names any longer. All I know is that I woke up screaming in pain this morning. MY back, arms, and legs felt like they were on fire.

It was at this moment that I really though about life, or my life more exactly. Once I was able to clean my home, walk to the store, run through the park with the kids, chase the kids, walk the zoo or the aquarium without a problem. Now, any one of those things is impossible. Life has taken on a whole new view. It is not that I do not like the view, yet I do have to get used to it. First, I do not ask for help very easily and I realize that I need to start to ask for help.

I wish that people who know me would realize that I still want to go out and have a cup of coffee or see a movie. I need people in my life, yet due to my PTSD, I tend to push people away.

I feel like I need to start life over. That I need to make amends with people and realize what I can do.

One idea that has been thrown around is a book! For those who read my blog, I would love your opinion and I am looking into how to go about telling my story. Maybe others can relate!

Waking Up

Over the past few weeks, I have come to realize that I really am disabled. Yes, the cane and the hang tag are obvious outward signs, yet I am talking about the clues inside of me.

For the longest time I thought that all of the symptoms would pass or that it was all in my head. Now I know that the pain in my knees, legs and back is real. Through tests, I have realized that I have arthritis, bone spurs, and discs in my back that are degenerating.

So this past week, instead of thinking all of this was bad, I called around and found some help to get back to maybe working part time. I am lucky to have people in my life who understand.

When I describe myself, I talk about my love of musicals, reading, going and watching the water. I also talk about being a mother and a wife. There is the terrible divorce. Finally, or maybe somewhere in the middle, there is the PTSD, depression, anxiety, arthritis, and fibromyalgia.

All of the above have made me who I am today and are a part of me. As my therapist says this is “a guided tour through hell”. I would also say that some of this has been the best thing that happened to me. Not the sick part, the part where I have people who have stuck by my side. The part where I am getting a service dog. Life is just taken a turn. Maybe, I am finally coming to some acceptance of where I am.

Today, happens to be the anniversary of the death of a loved one from long ago. Today, unlike the past, I am able to grieve and to talk about this person. Today, I am finally able to bring up all of the emotions and thoughts from the past and be safe!!

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Disabled or Not Disabled

Disabled or Not Disabled

My theme for this week seems to be trees. No two trees are alike. Rarely are two leaves even the same when looked at close enough!

For the past seven years or so have been considered disabled by the powers that be. Maybe I should be clearer, mentally disabled.

As of September or last year, I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia after many months of testing. Now the doctor’s are thinking that there is more to my illness, yet I will leave that for another day.

I have an AA, a BS, and was one semester away from finishing my second degree. My mental health is finally at a point where I want to try to work part-time (16-24 hours at most). Today, my therapist gave me the name of an agency to call. According to them, I may not be disabled enough for their help.

What? I am not even sure what that means!! I have a handicapped tag, I am on disability. Is there anything else? I use a cane, a knee brace, and a back brace on a daily basis. All I was hoping for was to be steered in the direction of where I should be looking or what to put in a cover letter. Instead, I was told that an application would be sent and if I met the criteria then they would call me.

When asked what I had, which I thought was illegal, the person on the other end told me that she did not think that there were any accommodations. Little did she know that I had looked over the ADA website and there are about four pages of accommodations.

To be clear, I am not looking for accommodations. I am just looking for a job and am realizing that I cannot do what I used to do. Life has changed and I want to be able to work like everyone else.

Hopefully, I will fill out the application and get someone nicer on the phone who wants to help. If not, I guess I have some researching to do!!