Shattered *May Trigger*

The picture above is an accurate representation of how my heart feels. When I was little, my mother made no secret of her negative feelings toward me. To her, I was a mistake that she should have aborted.

Later in childhood, she took me away from my aunt and great grandmother who I considered my moms. They took great care of me and seemed to make the days fun. Instead, I was not able to see either of them before they died. I hate that I could not have one more conversation with them.

Kids at school bullied me constantly. Going to school was torture. I knew that from the time the first bell rang until the time I arrived home, the other students were going to say hurtful and mean comments.

In high school, every girl seemed to have dates to dances. They had boyfriends or guys that liked them. I watched as they talked about going out with friends on the weekends. I was at home. It was like I could never seem to fit in no matter how much I tried.

My first marriage ended with me losing my three children and seeing them for less than 2 months of the year. Up until that time, I was a stay at home mon who took them to school, speech therapy, and was by their side when they needed surgery. After months of negotiations, I could not handle what was happening. I signed an agreement that I regret to this day.

Fast forward to my second marriage. Maybe I realized to late that it was falling apart. That he no longer wanted to spend time with me. Now, I have become a ghost in the house. Rarely having any communication.

How many more pieces can my heart be broken into? I am not sure how much more I can take and I am scared that I will do something stupid to relieve all of the feelings of abandonment that have been with me since I was a little girl.

What a Bad Day!!

Mental illness and the symptoms that come with it have taken another thing from me. My current husband wants a divorce because he has stated that I put to much of the past on him. Maybe that is true knowing all the shit that has happened.

For me this means that I have nowhere to live and that my son will not be able to see me because I will not have a room for him to stay in. Right now, so many things are up in the air. This also means that I may not be able to take or see any of my cats which are my babies.

I guess I will just have to take one day at a time at this point and hope that somehow things will work out in the end.

Turning 18

Every parent that I know wants to keep their kids little and young. Not in my case! I am a non-custodial parent with visitation. Hopefully, I get my visits because things can always change. Ever since my divorce was final I have not been able to have dinner with my kids on Easter, Mother’s Day, or Christmas.

My oldest just turned 18 and it will not be that long before my other two follow that. I am so excited!!! They will be able to decide when they want to stay over and for how long. They will decide what holidays they want to see me. If I have to go into the hospital because I am struggling with PTSD, I do not have to jump through hoops to see them.

I have been waiting for this. It means that I actually be able to see my kids more than I even do at the moment. 18 is my magical number when it comes to the kids🙂

Trapped *MAY TRIGGER*

Sitting here thinking about life is challenging. I feel like I need to make a pros and cons list for continuing to go on.

The kids are a big factor. All of the research shows that a child whose parent commits suicide is more likely to do so. I would not want my kids to get into this dark space.

So much has failed including school, losing touch with one of my children, and constant court cases with my ex. All of this has left me drained. I feel alone no matter how many people are in a room. What do I even talk about with people. The kids are a hard subject and school was a disaster.

People do not want to hear about hospital stays and wound care centers. I believe that eating disorder treatment centers are also not at the top of the list. Those are the topics that I know best at this point.

Maybe a better option would be to talk about the diamond paintings that I have done or the garden that my husband is working on. Yet, those topics do not feel like me at this time. One day blends into another.

What to do? Going back to school is going to be rough. I feel like I am on a never ending ride in that department. Keep seeing the kids until they too realize how damaged and flawed I am. Continue to talk about the worst memories of my life in therapy.

This is not the life that I pictured. Not even close. Being a non-custodial parent was something that I did not even know existed. Failing at school because of an illness that I did not choose and is directly related to negative childhood experiences. Living in a neighborhood where I do not feel safe. Even as I write this there are helicopters circling the block.

One day I need to make a choice. I cannot live in between any longer. There needs to be a clear side to work on and pursue.

Kids Should Not Have to Choose

When parents get divorced, in most cases, joint custody is awarded. There are exceptions. Mental illness, addiction, distance, who has more money, etc. Then the other parent becomes non-custodial.

In some ways I have been lucky. I still get to see my kids on holidays and am able to go on school trips. The kids are old enough to ask now and I have had the fortune of being asked twice this year.

Sometimes it is horrible. I have to account for almost every minute that they are with me. All the other parent has to go is plan the trip and go. Because the kids have passports, they can go out of the country and I do not have a say.

The other thing that I hate about my custody arrangement is that the other parent and their new spouse speak negatively about me. I am a bad parent, I do not pay enough money, I do not care about them. That can really have an affect on a teenager. Sometimes the child feels like they need to choose a parent.

I am looking forward to when they are 18 and can make their own choices. Maybe, I will be able to see them more often. Also when they can drive. Maybe they will come to visit. All I do know is that I feel like a bad parent all the time, yet I do see them. I need to work on that. All non-custodial parents want to see their kids.

A Crazy Weekend

Friday, my cat, whom I consider my best friend, was sick. I thought it was the typical hairball and did not pay much attention. then she was sick again. Soon she was not eating or drinking. By this time, it was well into the weekend and I had no choice but to take her to the ER.

Once there, we were told that she was dehydrated. All of her tests came back normal, but the still wanted to complete an ultrasound. I had a hard time leaving her there overnight and went back the next morning. When I saw her again she had an IV and a cone from pulling out the first IV. Once all tests were completed she checked out ok. I took her back home that night after a long and trying day in the waiting room.

After she came home, she was interested in food and even eating. Then the symptoms started up again. I had not fed her anything but her normal food, which is ProPlan. She went back to the vet yesterday and were told that it was still gastritis. She was hungry last night. The ProPLan has been omitted from her diet and she seems to be on the mend at this point. I question if the food was bad? I have no way of knowing what caused all of this.

Since I took the cat to the vet yesterday, I missed therapy. We are processing right now and some of the memories are uncomfortable. I know that it will only get worse as I delve deeper into the memories and try to connect feelings with events that happened in my life. At least my therapist does not push and I feel comfortable at the rate that things are going.

In other events, my ex will not allow me to have the kids for two one night visits in a row. He thinks that it will send me back into the hospital. I am so glad that he thinks that he is a doctor. He has no clue what I went inpatient for in the fall. What was going on at that time is over and done with and I am getting on with my life as best I can. Having to give up a Masters program was hard, yet it was the right thing to do. Maybe it was the right course of study, yet the school was the wrong fit. At least I see the kids next weekend. High school is looming for both of them. I am concerned with how they will adjust, yet I know that they are strong and that they can come to me with anything.

This morning the cat got me up to be with her. I am grateful that she seems to be on the mend. This weekend scared me. I do not know what I would do without her companionship. She is one of a kind.

A Mentally Ill Parent

A parent with a mental illness is still a parent. If the person is in treatment and is stable, they should be able to see their children. Instead, we have a damaged court system that takes custody away and is some cases only allows for supervised visitation.

As a patient I have to often white knuckle it so I will not need to go inpatient. If I go inpatient, I need letters from doctors and a meeting with a separate psychologist just to see my kids again.

Thankfully, all of my kids will be 18 within the next 6 years. At that point it will matter what they think and how they feel about seeing me. There will not be a visitation schedule or a holiday schedule. I hope that the kids will still want me as part of their lives. That is to be seen.

The other aspect of being a non-custodial parent is that it is public record. Any parent can look up and see that big black dot and not want me around their children. No one ever did an assessment of my competence to take care of my kids. They just assumed that I would not be able too. I think my kids are the ones who have been hurt the most.

Not this Year

I went into the hospital to get help. I got out and am not able to see my kids until letters are written and meetings are completed. I am hoping to see them in January.

I was supposed to have them for Christmas this year. All of their gifts are wrapped and ready for them. I feel like I am being punished by choosing to get help.

If it was a medical condition I could see my kids. Yet, it was a mental health issue. My ex went so far yesterday to that suicidal = homicide. I am not sure who is giving out that information. It is not true. Especially for a people who voluntarily go into the hospital.

This is beginning to be a weird Christmas. I just hope that it can be salvaged and that my husband and I have a good day together.

Some Things Never Change

My divorce with my ex was finalized years ago. Agreements were made and signed. That was where I thought that things would end. Instead, it seems as if every year there is another court case.

It was not enough that I was in a bad marriage, that I had difficulty affording representation, or that I care for my children. 

Over the years I have been accused of not caring, not contributing, faking illnesses, being selfish, being crazy, the list just goes on. I am in a state that does not have any official legislation regarding alienation.

For now, I have begun the count down to when support will stop being determined legally. That day will come. Unfortunately, not soon enough. I just wait to see what might pop up sometimes. I am sure there will be something just around the corner.

On Edge

I have actually been able to get the kids to all of their activities over the past 11 days. It has been nice to have them.

I also did some self care by making sure I have an appointment wth my new doctor. The other item I checked off was confirming my dance registration for next year. Dance is better than therapy for me. It is just me and the music. I can actually just be in the moment. There is no looking over my shoulder for what is coming next.

I am looking forward to getting my textbooks and school supplies, although I am nervous about being able to handle the classes. One thing at a time. 

If the rest of the summer works out, I should see the kids a few more times. It is a toss up whether my oldest will choose to come. I cannot believe sometimes that they are this old.