Things are Healing

My injury is healing. I go back to the doctor tomorrow for a check up. Physically, I have a wound and scars.

The problem is mentally. I still feel like I am just walking through the day getting the things done that I need too. Even that is at a bare minimum.

I am still trying to get my ex and all of my doctors together in order to see my kids. I was fortunate enough last night that I was able to see one of the kids in a concert.

Getting my medications has been a bit of an adventure lately. I call a refill in and give a time when I will pick it up. Then, usually after that time I go in to pick it up and it is not ready. I am told it will be 20 minutes, yet if I had not called it in the wait time would be the same. Solution: just walk in and save the phone call.

It seems as if I have began to snore so loudly that it is waking my husband up. This is a problem when he needs to get up in the morning. I made a appointment with the doctor to see what is the cause and if anything can be done about it.

There are still some loose ends that I need to tie up with school. I just am scared to even go to the neighborhood where the school is located. I am going to have to take a deep breath and just do it.

My therapist wants me to feel the feelings that were repressed around events when I was a kid. I am scared to show feelings to anyone. He wants me to write about it between now and Friday. Hopefully I can get some words onto the page.

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Medication Nightmares

I have recently spent almost a month in the hospital. Well, technically I was in two different hospitals. Up until recently I have always had a psychiatrist who is aware of the side effects of the medicines that I was on. Weight gain is one side effect that someone with an eating disorder does not want.

Unfortunately, I am running out of medication choices and there has been some weight gain. I think that I am taking it well. I have began to examine my diet for foods that are not healthy and I have begun to use the exercise bike again. This side effect sucks, yet I know that it is not just me going through this.

The status of seeing my kids is still zero visits at this point. I have explained to them why I was in the hospital and have given my ex more I formation that he is entitled to. Today, I am going to an agreed upon doctor in order to obtain letters from my treating physicians that show that I am ok to have the kids. I was not even in the hospital for anything related to them.

I am hoping to get things worked out by the holiday break. I really want to see the kids and spend some holiday time with them. A good meal and presents!

I am so unsure of my future. Two months ago I was in an MSW program, now I am back to seeing doctors 2-3 times a week. I just feel like school may not be the answer at this point. I really need to think about what it is that I want to do. Maybe then I will have some direction.

My wound is healing. I have to go back to the wound care center next week. At least it seems to have gotten smaller and less infected.

Next week is more doctors visits. They take up a lot of time. Prepping, driving, the appointment and then the drive home. This can take all day with traffic! At least I have doctor’s to go too.. some people are not as lucky.

It’s Over

I met with the assistant dean today and was able to withdrawal from the program. The school is not right for me. Now, I just need to pull myself back together. I am not sure what my next step on this journey. I think my parts need to introduce themselves to my therapist and talk about why the fall is such a bad time.

Today, I plan on going home and watching tv. I still do not like leaving the house. Now, I will also be able to use the bike that I have a little every day to build up the strength in my legs.

Stressed to the Max

Today is my first day of field. I am sick and excited all at the same time. I am scared to be here for an entire day. Normally, I can only go about 4 hours and then I will begin to fall apart. Hopefully, I can keep it together.

I have PRN’s, yet I am worried about taking them because they make me sleepy. This is going to be such a challenge.

The kids were over this weekend. My oldest moved downstairs and my youngest got a bigger room. They were happy. Now they each have a tv and either an x-box or a blue ray.

I have had to increase therapy to twice a week. My psychiatrist had stated that he is not going to do parts work with me. I really wonder why he went into trauma to begin with if he wanted to keep a huge divide between him and his patients. My therapist was great about finding an extra time for me to come each week. I am going to need something with all of this stress.

This really is one hour at a time. Then onto class this evening. At least I have off tomorrow. That should help with the stress and the sleep. Now just to see how today goes!

How is This Supposed to Work??

I have one more week until school begins. Luckily, I was able to get all of the accommodations for my disability. That makes me feel better about class. I am still skeptical about parking. So me of the areas near the school are sketchy. I think the anxiety about parking is worse than my anxiety about clinical at this time.

The kids are back with their dad for right now. I am going to try to complete some me prep work for this semester. We had a good time over their visit. I like having time with them. I get to see how they are during the day and what they really do all day. 

Today, I have my appointment with my psychiatrist. We do not see things the same way. I think I am more upset after the visit them before I go in. This person tries, they just do not seem to get it. Even when I say how I am doing I am not believed. There is no trust there!

Another Waiting Room

It seems like I spend a large part of my week sitting in waiting rooms. That is not including the almost hour drive to get to the waiting room.

One waiting room has classical music playing, there is a machine where you can get coffee or tea, magazines, and mints for grounding. The other waiting room is in the middle of a hall. It has one chair and that is all.

The experiences inside of the office are night and day. One is sterile and uninviting. There are so many walls up that I feel I cannot get through. The other is welcoming and willing to talk about what is going on with life. One is willing to share a little of themselves and the other is closed off.

I miss my former psychiatrist. She was interested in my art. She would laugh and she would be empathetic. She was willing to work with a patient and see where they needed to go, then gently guide them there. I feel lost without her. She would have celebrated my accomplishments and been there through the rough times.

The waiting rooms now have me hoping for something more. Some kind of reaction. Some kind of person. Boundaries are a good thing, yet to many keep you separated to the point where there cannot even be a therapeutic relationship. 

I keep hoping that something will change, yet maybe it won’t. Maybe this feeling of loneliness will persist. 

Another new treatment team member

I have really bad anxiety. When my PTSD symptoms and my anxiety combine it is all I can do to email my treatment team.

Yesterday, I saw my psychiatrist. I have only been with him for a few months. He does not have an email that I can use. The only way you can reach him is by voicemail. I hate the phone. Especially if I am out here in public. I do not need everyone around me know that I am having a hard time managing my symptoms.

For me, this is a deal breaker. To the doctor it is a boundary issue. I have not had a therapist and or psychiatrist who I could not email.

I need to look for a new psychiatrist that knows about trauma and who I can email and form a professional relationship with. I may have to get on a waiting list. That is ok as long as I can be treated.

I know that my former doctor had the best of intentions when she recommended him, yet he is not the right fir for me.

A Scary Day

Today, after almost 4 months, I meet my new psychiatrist. I do not trust people easily and I trusted my past psychiatrist with everything. No topic was off limits. Art work often took up an entire session.

She truly understood all of my diagnoses and was not scared or hesitant to go into the really dark places with me.

I wonder if in time, this psychiatrist will do the same. Will he treat me as an individual. Will he listen to me about medication and those that have not worked for me?

Does he believe that treatment is ongoing and that patients go back and forth as to how much better they feel?

Is my art going to be welcomed into the office? Is he going to realize how much my art means to me and much it expresses what is inside and cannot seem to come out into words?

He is supposed to specialize in trauma. What does that mean? Sure he has been trained in how to handle patients with a trauma based illness and he has completed internships. How many patients has he worked with who have had multiple traumas throughout their lives. Who relive their trauma each day through flashbacks, nightmares, and body memories.

It us going to be a interesting first meeting. I most likely have as many questions for him as he does for me. One thing, I hope that he shows passion for what he does.

Hospital Trouble

I know what my diagnoses are and I am comfortable, to a point, with them. I have accepted that I am mentally ill and need treatment.

Currently, parts are having issues with food. A locked unit is not an option at this point. We started to look for residential treatment. We thought that if a hospital treated both eating and trauma that they would accept us.

We were so wrong!!! We have been turned down by hospitals because of the DID diagnosis. We guess that even among the mental health community we are to different.

For one treatment center, I needed to see a doctor and get some tests done. After trying to get an appointment for over a week, I saw a medical doctor yesterday. My scars flipped him out! He actually left the room and they are no worse than anyone may have if they do not self- harm.

A 15 minute appointment turned into 2 hours Nd suddenly he had turned from medical doctor to therapist. All he needed to do was take my pulse and listen to my heart. I told him that I have a therapist and that is what they do.

So, after being turned down by centers, I am down to two. Hopefully one will take me. I really do not want to have to go through another phone assessment again!! Crossing my fingers that this week will end with an a acceptance to treatment. I feel like I am back applying for colleges. I never knew that I could be rejected by psychiatric facilities!! Another lesson:-)

Please Stop Telling Me What Is Going On With Me

In my opinion, my therapist and psychiatrist are good. They listen and try to give assignments and advice that relates to what is going on with me based on what I tell them.

**MAY TRIGGER**

They do not get to see or hear everything that is going on. In my case I have DID. The doctor can be talking to one part while another is shouting about what i or the doctor is saying at the time. My life is complicated. Days run into each other and so do experiences. I realize that the doctor can only treat what I tell them about, yet I have drawings that map my parts and what each remembers. What happens to that information.

Assignments become triggering or irrelevant depending on what it is. I am tired of hearing it will get better with time, For me, it has been seven years. I still have the same nightmares, the same memories, the same fears. I have been working and journaling, yet none of it seems to help. The work just seems to stir more up.

The doctors are so happy that I got out what the assignment was that they do not see the landfall that they have created. I wish that everything could be put into a nice box. That the doctor could say to draw a safe place or write about how I feel and I would feel better. The only problem is that with so many parts, the safe place for one part may trigger memories for another part. All I tend to think, is here we go again.

Then there are the parts that refuse to show themselves. They are buried deep inside and would like to keep it that way. Why bring up the nightmare if I do not have to. Then, I wonder if the nightmare is really that bad. On top of that, the doctor will focus in on that one nightmare. The only problem is that the nightmare is one of many.

Having PTSD is like a choose your own adventure book sometimes. Follow the path of the memory and eventually one will come to an ending. Not always the same ending and sometimes the path diverges. What trauma do you want to hear about today??

Stop picking me apart. Stop telling me it will get better. Stop trying to separate events that cannot be separated. Most of all realize that there is so much more going on besides what you are hearing,

I said to my husband the other day that those of us with DID should be able to live together, It seems like we can often give each other the best advice, esp. on bad days when parts may be fighting. It would be nice to have people to feel “normal” around, Who know what you are going through, Who can give you suggestions on how to talk to your doctor because they have been there.

So to the doctor’s out there. I know that many of you are great, yet you only see a small fragment of us. Please try to listen more and talk less. Maybe other parts have a different opinion. All sides need to be heard before anything can be done!!