The Latest Health Issue **May Trigger**

For those people out there who have been sexually abused, I am sure that you agree that going to the gynecologist is a horrible experience. I am lucky to have finally come across a doctor who believes in putting people under a twilight sleep to do an exam. That is a good thing.

What is not so good is that I have waited years to see a doctor at all. I was just to scared. I had to have a ultrasound today. I will not know anything until the doctor has that report. Most likely sometime next week. The ultrasound today seemed to take a long time and the tech seemed to be focused on something. I shall see.

I know that cats are not people, yet they are my babies. My kitten has been having issues with her stomach and was diagnosed with feline herpes the other week after her eye began running and she began to cough. She seems to be getting better. She just has a very sensitive stomach.

The older cat needs dental surgery next week. I am worried about how much pain she may be in since she cannot tell me. Luckily next week she will have all of her bad teeth removed. I think that she will wake up feeling better. Maybe she will even like her sister more. Hoping.

Not as Bad as I Thought

I had to visit the gynecologist after 14 years of putting it off. I am having issues which need to be addressed.

I was pleasantly surprised to know that an ultrasound needs to be completed. The even better news is that they can use light sedation to complete the exam. That makes me feel so much more comfortable. Apparently the office treats many trauma survivors.

Now, I am off to therapy. I am down to once a week,yet I still feel as if he cannot help me. I am past the point of help.

Trapped *May Trigger*

I feel like I am trapped. I am somewhere on the scale in more than one aspect of my life. I do not want to be alive, yet killing myself would hurt those around me. I want therapy, yet it does not seem to be going well with my therapist at this time.

Even my kids are a conundrum. I worry about their lives, yet I am not there with them during the week. There is only so much that I can do over the phone. I just received an email today from a teacher of my son who has chosen to not communicate with me. He is not doing well. I really want to be able to get makeup work for him and have him do it at my house, yet he will not even come out to the car to say hello to me.

At least I have my diamond paintings and can lose myself in that world for a few hours each night. I also have two sweet cats. One who is laying on my lap and another who gives kisses at night before she goes to sleep.

My husband allowed us to move this past year and I am no longer trapped in a neighborhood full of crime. If I look at the whole picture it is pretty divided. I am not even sure what image it conjures up. Maybe some type of storm where it is raining on one side of the painting with dark gray clouds and a rainbow on the other side. The problem is that I feel like I am right on the thin line down the middle.

I Think I Scared the Resident

I went to the new doctor yesterday. I think that she thought it would be an easy appointment. It was anything but easy. She saw all of the evidence of my self harm and of course the typical questions followed. I told her the truth and said that I have had a plan since I was around 10 years old.

Why aren’t doctors taught about patients who have experienced trauma? Instead they are put into situations where they are overwhelmed by the patient. Not only do I have a list of diagnoses, i also have a lot of medical issues. The doctor did not seem to know where to start.

Tests were ordered and I have to return in a couple of months. I am glad the doctor is being careful, yet I am scared that the doctor is in over her head. Maybe she will turn out to be one of the best doctors that I have had, if not at least she will gain some experience.

On another front, therapy is not going well. My parts do not feel heard or even like they have a place in therapy. We have had one doctor who could handle us and she is gone. At least she acknowledged that multiple parts could experience an event completely differently. Right now we feel unheard. We feel like the therapist is trying to sweep us away instead of making us part of the therapy. We are hopeless that things will change at this point and are considering options where we may have a chance to participate.

Right now, we are lost. We do not belong anywhere except for hidden on the inside. We have had to many years of that to keep doing it, it does not work and eventually leads to self harm as a way of expressing that those parts are there. We are hoping that something gets resolved soon.

A New Doctor

Moving meant a lot of things. Some good, like getting away from my abusers and where I was abused. Some others, I am still wondering. For example, I fear finding new places, yet every trip is new.

Tomorrow, I am going to see a new general practitioner. I hope that they treat me like other patients. I hope that they are not like other doctors who see my psychiatric medications and focus on my mental illness.

Hopefully, the visit will go well and the doctor will focus on my physical health. One positive is that the new doctor is only 10 minutes away. What will he think of me? Will he be able to look past the mental illness?

Most of all I am nervous about how I will be treated. Maybe everything will go well and I will not be treated like the latest science experiment.

Another Try

I do not want to give up after the disaster at graduate school. I met with an advisor today at the community college. There is less pressure and more support at level and that is what I need. I will have to make sure to use the disability office.

It will not be much longer before I get to have the kids for an entire weekend again. It feels good to be able to see them.

Therapy has been tough. Describing what happened in detail with emotions is rough, although I have to do it to get well. At least my therapist is going at a reasonable pace.

Somehow I got Through

Christmas is a holiday with conflicting memories. I used to have a great time at my Aunt’s house, yet I remember my parents being forced.

This Christmas was the first Christmas that I could not see my kids because I had to go into the hospital. I felt like I was being punished and that I could not even hold it together enough to be able to see them. I had to go inpatient. I needed the staff and the support.

In two days I have a meeting with my ex to see about when I can see the kids again. I hope it will go well. Who knows with my ex.

Christmas at our home was great. I was able to see the cat stick her head into a treat bag. I received some cool art supplies and a bubble light. I was able to spend the day with my husband just relaxing.

I hope to get my kids back soon. I miss them. They at least still talk to me at night.

DBT is going well. I like keeping the diary cards each day and keeping track of my symptoms. Right now we are focusing on mindfulness. After the new year we will begin emotion regulation. I know that I need it and that I am going to need to work really hard to be able to use it.

My sleeping is like it always is. I found I get more sleep without taking sleep medication. I am going to see how it work out for the next few nights.

The holidays are almost over and for the most part they have been good. Let’s see how the beginning of the new year will go.

Things are Healing

My injury is healing. I go back to the doctor tomorrow for a check up. Physically, I have a wound and scars.

The problem is mentally. I still feel like I am just walking through the day getting the things done that I need too. Even that is at a bare minimum.

I am still trying to get my ex and all of my doctors together in order to see my kids. I was fortunate enough last night that I was able to see one of the kids in a concert.

Getting my medications has been a bit of an adventure lately. I call a refill in and give a time when I will pick it up. Then, usually after that time I go in to pick it up and it is not ready. I am told it will be 20 minutes, yet if I had not called it in the wait time would be the same. Solution: just walk in and save the phone call.

It seems as if I have began to snore so loudly that it is waking my husband up. This is a problem when he needs to get up in the morning. I made a appointment with the doctor to see what is the cause and if anything can be done about it.

There are still some loose ends that I need to tie up with school. I just am scared to even go to the neighborhood where the school is located. I am going to have to take a deep breath and just do it.

My therapist wants me to feel the feelings that were repressed around events when I was a kid. I am scared to show feelings to anyone. He wants me to write about it between now and Friday. Hopefully I can get some words onto the page.

Medication Nightmares

I have recently spent almost a month in the hospital. Well, technically I was in two different hospitals. Up until recently I have always had a psychiatrist who is aware of the side effects of the medicines that I was on. Weight gain is one side effect that someone with an eating disorder does not want.

Unfortunately, I am running out of medication choices and there has been some weight gain. I think that I am taking it well. I have began to examine my diet for foods that are not healthy and I have begun to use the exercise bike again. This side effect sucks, yet I know that it is not just me going through this.

The status of seeing my kids is still zero visits at this point. I have explained to them why I was in the hospital and have given my ex more I formation that he is entitled to. Today, I am going to an agreed upon doctor in order to obtain letters from my treating physicians that show that I am ok to have the kids. I was not even in the hospital for anything related to them.

I am hoping to get things worked out by the holiday break. I really want to see the kids and spend some holiday time with them. A good meal and presents!

I am so unsure of my future. Two months ago I was in an MSW program, now I am back to seeing doctors 2-3 times a week. I just feel like school may not be the answer at this point. I really need to think about what it is that I want to do. Maybe then I will have some direction.

My wound is healing. I have to go back to the wound care center next week. At least it seems to have gotten smaller and less infected.

Next week is more doctors visits. They take up a lot of time. Prepping, driving, the appointment and then the drive home. This can take all day with traffic! At least I have doctor’s to go too.. some people are not as lucky.

It’s Over

I met with the assistant dean today and was able to withdrawal from the program. The school is not right for me. Now, I just need to pull myself back together. I am not sure what my next step on this journey. I think my parts need to introduce themselves to my therapist and talk about why the fall is such a bad time.

Today, I plan on going home and watching tv. I still do not like leaving the house. Now, I will also be able to use the bike that I have a little every day to build up the strength in my legs.