A Savior and a Monster?? **May Trigger**

This is my first Father’s Day without my dad and I am conflicted. My dad was the person who took me to have surgeries. He was the person to buy me ice cream. As I got older, he was the one who would defend me to my teachers and make sure that I was being treated fairly. We often joked about who would have the last of the custard or bread pudding. When I was in high school, we went to the same junior college. People around us took half of the semester to realize that we were related.

Then there was the other side of my dad. The side that seemed to not be able to reign in his anger. The one who beat me beyond a spanking. He often told me that he could not stand the sight of me and to go to my room. At times he put me up against a door or a wall by my neck. There were other things that he also did when he was angry that made me feel like he hated me and wished that I would just go away.

Then there was the frail man in the hospital bed. The one that was in so much pain that he could not even pay in the same position for a few minutes. At times, I would need to ask the nurses if he could have anything more for the pain. I was there for the last days.

I feel like I should only be preserving the good memories, yet there were both and I feel like my life is flat without both. He was my greatest advocate who also happened to be one of the people who hurt me the most. Luckily, I have my therapist to help me work through all of this because I know that I could not do any of this by myself.

So on this first Father’s Day without him, I gruels that’s I need to begin to accept that he was both. That is the problem with working through childhood abuse. Often the abuser is someone who is also a caregiver. In my case one that I just wanted to please.

A Few Good Days

It has been a busy weekend. I am lucky to have two out of three kids this weekend. They helped to make pies and put up the Christmas decorations for our first Christmas in the new house. It was so nice to have them and their energy. It actually motivated me to decorate and bake when I did not feel like doing anything earlier in the week.

We also went to the movies and had a lively discussion after the movie. It is nice to be able to really talk to them and get their opinions. Today is just a laid back day. We are going to attempt to make cookies. That should be fun. We will also watch some Christmas movies.

The cats are doing so much better. Our older cat is hissing a lot less and they have even touched noses a few times. We caught them both laying under the tree yesterday.

Hope everyone who reads this is doing well. I know how tough this time of year can be. One day at a time.

Why Can’t I See??

After my oldest child stopped speaking to me I have let it get in the way of my relationship with my two youngest children. I need to realize that they want to be here on the weekends and want me at their activities. For some reason I do not take my own advice that they are all different people.

I have also been told to make my illness clear to them. I do not know how to do that. I feel like they do not know enough, yet I still need to continue to keep a healthy boundary.

Finding the right words is going to be hard. Not only do I have a mental illness, but a physical one as well. One that stress negatively affects. I need to allow them to know that they are not causing any of this. The problem is that I already think that I have told them. From what I remember they did not even want to hear. Maybe instead of talking, I should put things in writing. Not to much, yet enough for them to understand.

Last night was a great example. One of my kids had an activity. I was exhausted and did not feel well. I really thought that it was best not to go, yet I had already promised that I would come. I need to begin to be realistic with them. This is where boundaries come in again.

My children mean so much to me and I want them to be able to focus on themselves. At the same time I need for them to understand that my decisions have nothing to do with them. They have to do with what is happening in my life. A good therapy topic and I can ask my therapist to read the completed letters before I give them to the kids.

A New Hobby

For years I have journaled, colored, drawn, and made jewelry. I have found a new interest in Diamond Painting. It is a combination of paint by number and beading. I find that it relaxes me and that I can focus because it is so tedious. I have been successful in purchasing the product online although it is not covered in the local craft stores. If you like color by number or cross stitch you may like diamond painting.

In other news, my therapist is once again requesting that I get out of the house. I think I know every way to not have to leave the house except for therapy. I promised that I would check out some options in order to get out of the house and spend time with people.

My kids, at least the two that speak to me, are growing so quickly. It is nice when they call me and need to talk. That makes me feel like I did something right. Even when they have a birthday party or event the falls on my visitation day, the confirm that it is ok if they go. Of course 99% of the time I say yes. I want them to experience what being a teenager is all about and have fun. I know all to well that one cannot do those years over.

Today, I have already accomplished one goal and plan to complete the other this afternoon. Maybe  I need to start to make a goal for everyday. It seems as if it would push me to get more accomplished. I will have to consider that. The other nice thing about today is that most of the work on the house has been completed and it is once again quiet except for the occasional reminder from the kitty that she wants food or attention.

Again, check out diamond painting. It is detail oriented and can be used as artwork when completed. I just wish more people in my area were doing it. It would make for a great meet up group.

Somehow I got Through

Christmas is a holiday with conflicting memories. I used to have a great time at my Aunt’s house, yet I remember my parents being forced.

This Christmas was the first Christmas that I could not see my kids because I had to go into the hospital. I felt like I was being punished and that I could not even hold it together enough to be able to see them. I had to go inpatient. I needed the staff and the support.

In two days I have a meeting with my ex to see about when I can see the kids again. I hope it will go well. Who knows with my ex.

Christmas at our home was great. I was able to see the cat stick her head into a treat bag. I received some cool art supplies and a bubble light. I was able to spend the day with my husband just relaxing.

I hope to get my kids back soon. I miss them. They at least still talk to me at night.

DBT is going well. I like keeping the diary cards each day and keeping track of my symptoms. Right now we are focusing on mindfulness. After the new year we will begin emotion regulation. I know that I need it and that I am going to need to work really hard to be able to use it.

My sleeping is like it always is. I found I get more sleep without taking sleep medication. I am going to see how it work out for the next few nights.

The holidays are almost over and for the most part they have been good. Let’s see how the beginning of the new year will go.

Not Horrible

The Christmas party yesterday was not as bad as I thought that it would be. People were talking about different subjects then I thought they would. It was ok. I did not like being out of the house that was the only bad part.

I did my sleep study last night. The box kept talking and waking me up. I thought that it would just me one night. The company called this morning and wants two nights. I cannot believe I have to go through another night. Apparently, the data produced some concerns.

I also have to work on therapy and homework. Talking about my parents is not easy when everything inside is telling me to protect them. Family asks if I have heard from them. That would be a no. What they did in some ways is just embarrassing. In other ways I feel like I will betray them. Who treats their kids the way they treated me?

Still waiting for a meeting with my ex to see the kids. I am sure he wants to put it off for as long as possible. He told the kids that they would not see me before January. Meanwhile, the psychologist can meet this week. He is just a mean individual. That is not changing.

A Stressful Day Ahead

The holidays!! I like putting up the tree, wrapping presents, and baking. Then there is the part the I don’t particularly like or want to go through. Family visits.

Not that my family is not nice and funny. It is when they ask how I am doing. I want to tell the truth so badly. I dropped out of school, I was in a mental hospital twice, I am almost finished with treatment at the wound care center for the self harm that I did, and oh yeah I do not have my kids because of legal reasons. Meanwhile, they are discussing the successful jobs and normal lives. They have their kids with them and their life is stable.

Nothing like feeling like a complete failure. It does not matter anymore that I graduated with highest honors and a BS. I am not using it.

Their homes are all nice and they live in good areas. Meanwhile I am struggling to pay bills and live in an area that has a reputation for being bad.

I wish that I could just stay home and hide. To not have to see anyone. There would be no panic attacks or stomach pains. I could just be in peace.

Somehow I have to get through the day and put on a happy face while I am flooded with reminders of how messed up my life is. At least I know that there will be an end and I can come home to the cat and the quiet. Wish me luck!!

Medication Nightmares

I have recently spent almost a month in the hospital. Well, technically I was in two different hospitals. Up until recently I have always had a psychiatrist who is aware of the side effects of the medicines that I was on. Weight gain is one side effect that someone with an eating disorder does not want.

Unfortunately, I am running out of medication choices and there has been some weight gain. I think that I am taking it well. I have began to examine my diet for foods that are not healthy and I have begun to use the exercise bike again. This side effect sucks, yet I know that it is not just me going through this.

The status of seeing my kids is still zero visits at this point. I have explained to them why I was in the hospital and have given my ex more I formation that he is entitled to. Today, I am going to an agreed upon doctor in order to obtain letters from my treating physicians that show that I am ok to have the kids. I was not even in the hospital for anything related to them.

I am hoping to get things worked out by the holiday break. I really want to see the kids and spend some holiday time with them. A good meal and presents!

I am so unsure of my future. Two months ago I was in an MSW program, now I am back to seeing doctors 2-3 times a week. I just feel like school may not be the answer at this point. I really need to think about what it is that I want to do. Maybe then I will have some direction.

My wound is healing. I have to go back to the wound care center next week. At least it seems to have gotten smaller and less infected.

Next week is more doctors visits. They take up a lot of time. Prepping, driving, the appointment and then the drive home. This can take all day with traffic! At least I have doctor’s to go too.. some people are not as lucky.

The Black Hole that is my Current Situation

I am in limbo. I have no idea what I want to do and seem to be self harming more and more. I thought that I knew what I wanted, now all of those plans have been ripped apart. School is gone for now. Even the hospital really could not help me. I feel like I am at rock bottom with no way to get out. I do not have any hope that things will get better.

I am still not seeing my children. I knew there was a possibility of this when I went inpatient. I just did not know that my ex would be this much of a jerk about every step in the process to get them back.

Now, it looks like I am going to be a part of a DBT group. That will last 6 months. Part of me is like what then. Will I have anymore direction than I do right now? Will there be anything that I will be able to do without becoming angry and full of rage?

I am not sure if my family understands what is going on. We could not make a fall event and now we are not invited to the winter event. I know I am different, I just hate being treated like it by those who should support me. At least a text or a call.

School, work, even just getting through the day is currently hard to nonexistent.

Feeling Horrible is the Norm

Three weeks left in the semester. Three weeks of having to wake up, go to class, and finish work. My mind knows that I need to complete this in order to move forward. Well, part of my mind. The other part of my mind is over this. All it wants is to be able to rest, stay home, avoid people, and isolate in every way possible.

Not that isolating for long periods is helpful, yet there are some times that one just needs to be alone and be able to journal, color, or watch tv alone. There are still the mornings where I need to see my therapist or psychiatrist. There are still the visits with my kids. So, I cannot isolate for to long even if I want to.

Right now, I am having issues with eating. To much, not to little. I am having thoughts of self harm that I need to use skills in order not to act on to stay out of the hospital. There are mornings that I just do not want to get up because my body does not have the strength to get out of bed.  It is like my joints and muscles are not functioning. I just want to be able to sleep.

This weekend was one example. I just wanted to sleep and I used my self to do what I had to complete. Even though i completed the task that day, the next day, I could not function. I could barely stand up and I felt that I was in a fog.

This morning I still feel that way. The fog that envelopes me. The parts that are fighting to get their way of just staying home. The parts that are angry at having to go anywhere and therefore want to act out. That normally means lashing out at people around us. We are trying not too. We are trying to be appropriate and promising parts that we will go directly home.

Instead of self harm, we think about the fact that we promised our doctor that we would stay safe and we respect him. It would feel so much better to just be able to act on those impulses.

An entirely different issue is the kids. One of my kids has decided that he is no longer going to talk or communicate with me. His father supports this and is not assisting in attempting to get a relationship going again. My other two children are struggling. They want to see me, yet they are being told that I do not care, I am not giving their other parent enough money, that I do not see them as much as I can, and then the list goes on. It seems like no matter what I do, it is not going to be enough. I fear that what happened with one of my children will happen with the other two. It is just a matter of time. Money and power go a long way and can easily manipulate a child.