Almost Moved in, yet Feeling Exhausted

We are almost moved in. Just a few more boxes to go through and then we can put up photos and really make the house ours. The kids were here this past weekend and were able to get their rooms together. I was so happy that they liked the area and even were able to meet some of the neighbors.

My body is revolting against the little work I did this weekend. Yesterday, my hands were so swollen that they were bruised and I could not stay awake for anything. Today I am less sore, yet still tired. I am trying to do the little things that I can and make a mental not of what is still needed.

Being up here is more relaxing although the trauma does not go away. The nightmares are still there and I am still afraid to leave the house. The therapist says that it will get better. I wish that it would hurry up. At least here, I let some sunlight into the house. That is better than the room darkening curtains that were never opened at the old house.

I find life is at a slower pace in this new area. People actually say hello to each other and excuse me. Doors are held open and the neighbors want to include you in neighborhood traditions. It is so different from the solitary life that I left. I am going to have to get used to this as a new normal.

It’s Over

I met with the assistant dean today and was able to withdrawal from the program. The school is not right for me. Now, I just need to pull myself back together. I am not sure what my next step on this journey. I think my parts need to introduce themselves to my therapist and talk about why the fall is such a bad time.

Today, I plan on going home and watching tv. I still do not like leaving the house. Now, I will also be able to use the bike that I have a little every day to build up the strength in my legs.

I Think I am Done

Getting a Masters Degree was my goal. I though that I could handle it. I was so wrong. I fell the other day trying to go to class. They will not allow handicap parking unless I am seen by a student doctor even though I have handicapped tags on my car.

Then there are all of the ambulances going into the hospital next door. Every time that I hear one I have a flashback to when I was younger. I cannot focus in class. I cannot even remember what I have done the past few weeks. Physically and mentally I am exhausted. I realize that I have time, yet I do not seem to have the physical energy to complete anything. My body is done. All my body wants to do is to sit in one place and not have to get up or deal with self evaluations.

I am going to email one more person at school today that may be able to hook me up with a mentor. Maybe that would help. I know that lack of support is a problem right now. I need someone to be able to get me through this first year. If not, I cannot do it myself. I am wiped out.

Getting Worse **May Trigger**

It started with a panic attack this morning. I did not want to get out of bed. I felt paralyzed. Yesterday was to much. I fell walking into school. The neighborhood where I have to park is questionable. Today, I am left with the cuts and bruises. 

Then there is the fact that I feel like I am drowning with school work. I knew it would be a lot. Mentally I am ok, physically my body is breaking down. I am so drained. All I want to do is sleep. My hands and feet are going numb. Fibromyalgia is active again. Inside, I just cannot keep up. My thoughts are slow and I am always sore.

Luckily, I am seeing my therapist more often. I still miss my psychiatrist. I feel like she would have known just what to say. I miss her everyday. It is not often that one finds a psychiatrist who really cares. Being tired does not help anything.

I want to go to sleep. My body is fighting to stay awake. Thoughts of self-harm are strong. I am doing no my best not to act on them. I find that I cannot remember huge chunks of class. I am not sure where I am drifting off too? Maybe my safe space? That would make sense since the area around the school scares me.

I saw my parents this week. Once at a wake and another to me at a restaurant. During the wake my mother came over to talk to the kids. They were not having any of it. In fact my daughter was ready to scream. When wee saw them the next night at dinner, they did not even come over to us. I really think that the only child that they want to see is my oldest. He has not spoken to me for about two years. He has blocked my phone number.

This morning is training for my field placement and I am unmotivated. I did not want to come into a school. I was fine the day that I left teaching and have not gone back. What is getting me through is that one month is already over. I can apply for the specialty that I want next year. I am hoping to be in a hospital or hospice. I am looking forward to doing a placement in an area that I chose, instead of one chosen for me by someone who does not know me.

Feeling Horrible is the Norm

Three weeks left in the semester. Three weeks of having to wake up, go to class, and finish work. My mind knows that I need to complete this in order to move forward. Well, part of my mind. The other part of my mind is over this. All it wants is to be able to rest, stay home, avoid people, and isolate in every way possible.

Not that isolating for long periods is helpful, yet there are some times that one just needs to be alone and be able to journal, color, or watch tv alone. There are still the mornings where I need to see my therapist or psychiatrist. There are still the visits with my kids. So, I cannot isolate for to long even if I want to.

Right now, I am having issues with eating. To much, not to little. I am having thoughts of self harm that I need to use skills in order not to act on to stay out of the hospital. There are mornings that I just do not want to get up because my body does not have the strength to get out of bed.  It is like my joints and muscles are not functioning. I just want to be able to sleep.

This weekend was one example. I just wanted to sleep and I used my self to do what I had to complete. Even though i completed the task that day, the next day, I could not function. I could barely stand up and I felt that I was in a fog.

This morning I still feel that way. The fog that envelopes me. The parts that are fighting to get their way of just staying home. The parts that are angry at having to go anywhere and therefore want to act out. That normally means lashing out at people around us. We are trying not too. We are trying to be appropriate and promising parts that we will go directly home.

Instead of self harm, we think about the fact that we promised our doctor that we would stay safe and we respect him. It would feel so much better to just be able to act on those impulses.

An entirely different issue is the kids. One of my kids has decided that he is no longer going to talk or communicate with me. His father supports this and is not assisting in attempting to get a relationship going again. My other two children are struggling. They want to see me, yet they are being told that I do not care, I am not giving their other parent enough money, that I do not see them as much as I can, and then the list goes on. It seems like no matter what I do, it is not going to be enough. I fear that what happened with one of my children will happen with the other two. It is just a matter of time. Money and power go a long way and can easily manipulate a child.

There is Nowhere Left to Push **May Trigger**

Only 4 more weeks. You are doing this. Remember what your long term goal is. All words of encouragement and I know that I am lucky to have them.

The only problem is that at this point I cannot see through the haze of PTSD. Two of my classes bring issues up that are either upsetting or invalidating. Race is a huge topic in one of my classes along with oppression. I think of all of the opportunities and other things that I have lost because of mental illness. There are places that I will never be able to work, I have lost custody of my kids and only have visitation, I take medication everyday just to function,yet when I go to a doctor are a blazing red flag that I have a mental illness. Then there is the other invisible diagnosis. Fibromyalgia. Pain that shoots from my spine to my feet, memory issues, more medication, and the sometimes visible limp that happens on the really bad days.

Both illnesses are tiring physically and mentally. There is nowhere left to push. I feel like I cannot walk another step forward. I just want to go to my doctor’s and try to work out everything that is going on. 

I know that I have papers and I need to go to class. My body is going through the motion, yet my mind is a million miles away. Thoughts turn to the child who does not want to see or talk to me. The divide that seems to be growing larger between my other two children and myself. The constant thoughts of suicide and self-harm that draw me in and have the comfort of bringing release from all of the outside world.

Sure, I look like everyone else on the outside. I go to class and take notes. All the while thinking about why I am even doing this. Looking forward, I do not see life getting better. I see additional court battles and nightmares that I do not want to face, yet need to if I am going to keep moving forward.

Physically and mentally, I have reached the breaking point. Life does not seem worth it. It is to much of a struggle to not get anywhere or even feel like I am going in reverse. 

Yesterday, I had an exam and completely blanked. Not unusual, I know that everyone does that. Mine was due to the flashbacks that I was having. The old nightmares that haunt my day as well as my night.

Right now, I need to find something to pull me out of this enough to finish this semester. I am not sure what that is at this point. I feel lost and alone.

A Different Normal

Being tired and having to push through a class. Recording every class because I have missed half of the notes because I have dissociated. 

Having to park in a handicapped space on campus because I cannot walk the entire way. Scheduling classes so that I will have the time that I need to mentally rest or go see the doctor.

This has become my new normal. I did not ask for it, yet it is there. I have had to figure out a new way to study. A new way to attend class so that I will not run out. Where I feel safe on campus.

Before I was ill, I could go anywhere and walk as much as I wanted. I could read something once and remember it or I could write a paper coherently. I could walk across campus and back again. 

Now I have to plan where I am going to go. Walking hurts and adds to the exhaustion. 

There are some positives. I am passing all of my classes, I still see my kids, and I have support. I do not know where I would be without that support. Every time that I am down, they have encouraged me to get  back up and focus on the end goal. I wonder if the end goal is ever going to happen. Then, suddenly, another day has gone by and then another. 

I have to admit, I am looking forward to winter break!! I am exhausted. I can catch up on sleep and journaling. Maybe even color a little before the semester and the stress start all over again!

How the Physical Affects the Mental

To say that I am stressed is an understatement. My stomach and chest are letting me know that my anxiety is high.

Enter Fibromyalgia. My hands were numb yesterday. Ok, I can deal wth that. Now, my body is just exhausted and my mind is refusing to take anymore in. I wish that I could shut this off but I can’t. I have to go with it. 

I am trying to do my work in small spurts and take breaks when I can. I am prioritizing what needs to be done by due dates and test dates and studying for quizzes that I know will happen this week.

I am exhausted. Sometimes there are some things that cannot be pushed through. The only things that can be done are to adapt and go with what is going on.

I am learning how to deal with some of the memory issues. The anxiety is still high. I found post-it notes to be extremely helpful last night. I think I need to begin to use them more often. Maybe, I will try using them with a chapter I need to read this weekend and see how it goes!

Any suggestions from anyone out there would be helpful!! What do you do to help you remember?

And: There’s More

School, dance, kids, doctor’s appointments, to do’s. it seems like it does not end. Today feels like a day when I am going to go home and crash. There is work I have to do and things to get done, yet my body is letting me know I have pushed it to far.

This morning my fingers are numb and I am sore all over. All my body wants to do is crawl into a corner and rest. In fact, it is screaming it. All of the plans that I have need to be altered, fibromyalgia has said enough.

I knew it was coming when I fell the other day and then when I could not stay awake in the middle of trying to read. The numb fingers are a red flag. 

This is the hardest part. Knowing that I can only push so far. That I can only do so much. That there are limits. I listen to others around me who have stayed up late and pulled all-nighters. My body is in bed by 9pm or I cannot function the next day.

Having PTSD and all of my other mental health issues is a separate problem from the fibromyalgia that plays with the way that my body works. Meds only go so far. Sometimes, rest is what is needed.

From the Outside

Funny. If someone did not know my diagnosis they may say that I look fine. They may say that about others that I know that are struggling with a mental illness, eating disorder, or other illness.

Look closer and maybe you will see the hints of my illness. The slight limp that I have because my knee is acting up. The way that I turn the menu over and over or cannot seem to decide on what I want to order. The way I move away from someone because I feel like they are to close to me. My phone in my hand just flipping through apps because I want to look busy and am scared for someone to talk to me.

The really bad days are the ones that most people never see. Staying in bed or on the couch all day. Debating what and how much to eat. Wanting to journal, yet being overwhelmed by all of the flashbacks. Being comforted by my husband and my cat. 

Going to school, dance, therapy, and doing other activities takes a lot out of me. Just because I am out and doing things does not mean that I am all better. It just means that I will not let these illnesses win. Those people who wanted to cut me down in the past cannot win. I need to fight and to try to go on.