A New Doctor

Moving meant a lot of things. Some good, like getting away from my abusers and where I was abused. Some others, I am still wondering. For example, I fear finding new places, yet every trip is new.

Tomorrow, I am going to see a new general practitioner. I hope that they treat me like other patients. I hope that they are not like other doctors who see my psychiatric medications and focus on my mental illness.

Hopefully, the visit will go well and the doctor will focus on my physical health. One positive is that the new doctor is only 10 minutes away. What will he think of me? Will he be able to look past the mental illness?

Most of all I am nervous about how I will be treated. Maybe everything will go well and I will not be treated like the latest science experiment.

A Big Change

Our family is looking at moving out of the area where I was abused. In some ways it is scary. In other ways I am looking forward to be able to go out of the house and maybe explore a new area.

It will be weird to not be by my abusers and to not have to come back to the neighborhood. I feel like my life is going to get a second chance and I cannot ruin it. Maybe going back to school at different college with a different viewpoint will help.

My family can make new memories at a new place that may allow me to finally get well and recover. I will be able to still see my treatment team. I will try to keep the blog updated. Especially when we find a house and have a contract.

Everyone Matters *MAY TRIGGER*

When is the government going to wake up to the needs of the people who are not funneling millions of dollars to have their view expressed?

Columbine was not the first school shooting, yet I remember the day that it happened and thinking where is our future going? Since then there have been additional school shootings. 7000 pair of shoes were outside the capital. Imagine 7000 children in those shoes. What would they say if they could speak?

The government thought that mental health was solved with deinstitutionalization. Nothing was solved. No additional help was given and the mentally ill could not find adequate treatment. What has happened is that more prisoners are diagnosed with mental health issues. Often these prisoners are not there for violent crime. If the government can afford to give medication to inmates why can it not afford to continue that medication when the inmate is released to end the high rate of recidivism?

There are thousands of properties that have been condemned. The government complains about how much they are losing. Why not build houses no for the homeless where they can find stability and possibly a job?

All of the above populations have no voice or influence in today’s government. They represent groups that have become invisible to those who are supposed to represent them. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over with the same result. Does that mean that our government is insane or bought out.

Something needs to change so that those who do not have a voice are let in and allowed to be heard. I think the government would find that the oppression of the individuals has hurt them and the population of the US. Those in power need to listen to those that up until now have had very little to no power. Then things may have a chance of changing.

A New Hobby

For years I have journaled, colored, drawn, and made jewelry. I have found a new interest in Diamond Painting. It is a combination of paint by number and beading. I find that it relaxes me and that I can focus because it is so tedious. I have been successful in purchasing the product online although it is not covered in the local craft stores. If you like color by number or cross stitch you may like diamond painting.

In other news, my therapist is once again requesting that I get out of the house. I think I know every way to not have to leave the house except for therapy. I promised that I would check out some options in order to get out of the house and spend time with people.

My kids, at least the two that speak to me, are growing so quickly. It is nice when they call me and need to talk. That makes me feel like I did something right. Even when they have a birthday party or event the falls on my visitation day, the confirm that it is ok if they go. Of course 99% of the time I say yes. I want them to experience what being a teenager is all about and have fun. I know all to well that one cannot do those years over.

Today, I have already accomplished one goal and plan to complete the other this afternoon. Maybe  I need to start to make a goal for everyday. It seems as if it would push me to get more accomplished. I will have to consider that. The other nice thing about today is that most of the work on the house has been completed and it is once again quiet except for the occasional reminder from the kitty that she wants food or attention.

Again, check out diamond painting. It is detail oriented and can be used as artwork when completed. I just wish more people in my area were doing it. It would make for a great meet up group.

Future? What is there for me? **May Trigger**

I had a 4.0 when I took undergraduate courses in Social Work. After 5 weeks in Graduate School, I have been asked to leave my field placement and the worst case is to be expelled  from the school. I cannot believe I did not even get 10 days to work with students. I keep wondering why I am sitting here now questioning if I should stay in the program at all.

Maybe 13 years of trauma work has done something to me. Do I really see everything in my life through those lenses? I did not think so? I do know boundaries and what mine are as a student. I know that I did not cross boundaries with students and did not violate any ethical rules.

MY self harm thoughts are growing. I really wonder what I have to live for at this point. I cannot fit in with society. What am I going to do. The hospital is the only place where I feel that I am not looked at as some specimen or weird person. In the hospital there are others like me who have know pain and adversity. Out in the real world I cannot seem to find my place. I cannot make friends, I cannot sit in a class without giving my opinion, and currently my thoughts have reached a level where all i want to do is disappear.

Currently my thoughts have doubled as to leave school. I do not know where I would go from there. Maybe try to get the pieces put back together in some order. Maybe read some and include some art work and journaling in my day. Do I need to analyze my position in society and what i am really able to take. I really do not like leaving the house. I especially do not like being somewhere that I feel like anything could happen at any time to get to school. Drug deal, taking drugs, arguments, those with undiagnosed disorders walking around screaming at the closest object to them. Then all of the ambulances that never seem to end during class. I am broken at this point and need time to put things back together in my head and in my life. Maybe my first goal should be to figure out where it would be best for me to live? Right now, I just do not know.

Getting Worse **May Trigger**

It started with a panic attack this morning. I did not want to get out of bed. I felt paralyzed. Yesterday was to much. I fell walking into school. The neighborhood where I have to park is questionable. Today, I am left with the cuts and bruises. 

Then there is the fact that I feel like I am drowning with school work. I knew it would be a lot. Mentally I am ok, physically my body is breaking down. I am so drained. All I want to do is sleep. My hands and feet are going numb. Fibromyalgia is active again. Inside, I just cannot keep up. My thoughts are slow and I am always sore.

Luckily, I am seeing my therapist more often. I still miss my psychiatrist. I feel like she would have known just what to say. I miss her everyday. It is not often that one finds a psychiatrist who really cares. Being tired does not help anything.

I want to go to sleep. My body is fighting to stay awake. Thoughts of self-harm are strong. I am doing no my best not to act on them. I find that I cannot remember huge chunks of class. I am not sure where I am drifting off too? Maybe my safe space? That would make sense since the area around the school scares me.

I saw my parents this week. Once at a wake and another to me at a restaurant. During the wake my mother came over to talk to the kids. They were not having any of it. In fact my daughter was ready to scream. When wee saw them the next night at dinner, they did not even come over to us. I really think that the only child that they want to see is my oldest. He has not spoken to me for about two years. He has blocked my phone number.

This morning is training for my field placement and I am unmotivated. I did not want to come into a school. I was fine the day that I left teaching and have not gone back. What is getting me through is that one month is already over. I can apply for the specialty that I want next year. I am hoping to be in a hospital or hospice. I am looking forward to doing a placement in an area that I chose, instead of one chosen for me by someone who does not know me.

First Day!!

I made it to the building! That is the first hurdle of the day. Now to make it through the first class. Luckily, I have had this in undergrad, so it is not completely new. My hands are shaking and my heart is racing. I need to take a PRN and calm down or I am not going to remember anything from class.

I got here early so that I can get a seat in order to best record the class. This should not bring up to much past trauma. The class this afternoon may be a different story. Then we need to talk about development. I have to stop thinking of myself as just my illness. Before I became ill, I was capable of functioning. I need to slowly learn how to get back to that place.

 

Feeling Horrible is the Norm

Three weeks left in the semester. Three weeks of having to wake up, go to class, and finish work. My mind knows that I need to complete this in order to move forward. Well, part of my mind. The other part of my mind is over this. All it wants is to be able to rest, stay home, avoid people, and isolate in every way possible.

Not that isolating for long periods is helpful, yet there are some times that one just needs to be alone and be able to journal, color, or watch tv alone. There are still the mornings where I need to see my therapist or psychiatrist. There are still the visits with my kids. So, I cannot isolate for to long even if I want to.

Right now, I am having issues with eating. To much, not to little. I am having thoughts of self harm that I need to use skills in order not to act on to stay out of the hospital. There are mornings that I just do not want to get up because my body does not have the strength to get out of bed.  It is like my joints and muscles are not functioning. I just want to be able to sleep.

This weekend was one example. I just wanted to sleep and I used my self to do what I had to complete. Even though i completed the task that day, the next day, I could not function. I could barely stand up and I felt that I was in a fog.

This morning I still feel that way. The fog that envelopes me. The parts that are fighting to get their way of just staying home. The parts that are angry at having to go anywhere and therefore want to act out. That normally means lashing out at people around us. We are trying not too. We are trying to be appropriate and promising parts that we will go directly home.

Instead of self harm, we think about the fact that we promised our doctor that we would stay safe and we respect him. It would feel so much better to just be able to act on those impulses.

An entirely different issue is the kids. One of my kids has decided that he is no longer going to talk or communicate with me. His father supports this and is not assisting in attempting to get a relationship going again. My other two children are struggling. They want to see me, yet they are being told that I do not care, I am not giving their other parent enough money, that I do not see them as much as I can, and then the list goes on. It seems like no matter what I do, it is not going to be enough. I fear that what happened with one of my children will happen with the other two. It is just a matter of time. Money and power go a long way and can easily manipulate a child.

I Wish I Had Something Happy to Write

Depressed, tired, overwhelmed, Etc. Pick a negative word and I can probably relate to it at this point. This semester is sucking everything out of me and I am not even through the first month of school. I am seriously considering if I have taken on to much. Can I really handle this at this time.

The topics that we are talking about are not happy. The pictures are raw and uncensored. Professor accounts are to detailed. Having to walk to some of the campus is hurting my body so badly that when I do make it to class the only thing that I want to do is rest. Other classmates are loud and I cannot deal with the conversations that are going on around me.

There is still the stuff to be done out of class. Readings, papers, and projects. Then there is all of the things to do for home and for my dance class that I teach. Add it all up and it all turns into one big mess.

Medication is not going to help this. There is not a break for weeks. I cannot keep going like this without a major meltdown. Then thinking about a meltdown causes me to plummet even farther down the rabbit hole. If I have to go into the hospital, I lose time with my kids and have to jump through hoops just to begin to see them again. Then I am concerned that my ex would not follow the agreement yet again and I would not see the kids for even longer.

Have I reached a bottom that I cannot pull myself out of at this point? Maybe I have.

 

 

Candy, Cake, and Trouble

Candy, Cake, and Trouble

**Trigger Warning**
Today, I made a call to my husband that I wish that I did not have to make. I had to let him know that my Eating Disorder was out of control again.

He was concerned, and even more than that, he wanted to know how I was able to eat with him not knowing about what I was putting in my mouth. I can understand, he is the one who goes to the grocery store, while I normally stay in the house.

My problem is bingeing. I binge eat, do not eat at all, or eat “normally”. This time of year is stressful to begin with. When I am stressed/anxious, I tend to eat. Why I cannot control my intake is beyond me.

To be frank, I did not even realize that I was bingeing again until last night. I had already eaten for the day and it was late. If I eat certain foods, I get sick. I ate a piece of cake the size of which could have fed three people and banana pudding which could have fed two. The first sign that something was wrong was the stomach ache that I got after I consumed what had to be 1200 calories in less than 20 minutes.

That had me thinking about the past couple of weeks. With Easter coming, every store has more candy than normal. I have been going through a normal size bag of peanut butter cups every two days. Instead of one donut the other day, I bought and ate 6. Even worse is that I do all of this in secret and throw away any evidence before I get home.

I am embarrassed. Luckily, stores will be going back to normal in another week. That still does not mean that I do not have to work on the reasons that I binge.

Parts have let me know what they are: abuse, suicides, deaths, abandonment, and loss have all occurred at this time of year. With PTSD, there are many days that are hard. Unfortunately, all of these seem to fall around the same time.

Hopefully, some of you can relate to feeling like the world is out of control. I do not want to do this. Like I said I get sick, yet I do not know how to stop. Even as I am writing this I am thinking of the food in the kitchen and what I can eat. Not Good!!