How the Outside is Different from the Inside

PTSD, MDD, GAD, DID, OCD, and even an eating disorder are all invisible to those who do not know. I sit in a classroom and look “ok”. I sit in a common area and blend in. 

Inside, parts are screaming that all they want to go home. Some want to study for the next exam, even though we have not taken this one. Some feel like the home work that is just put up and is due next week has to get done now. Some want to run out of here because they feel trapped in silence.

The depression gets worse at this time of year. It envelopes me even as I try to go on. Getting out of bed is hard. People say “but you did it.” Sure, and there are internal consequences for doing that simple action.

Inside, we want to work on all of the stuff that is being brought up. Having to come face to face with a demon is hard. Inside, we are screaming even though we are quietly sitting somewhere outside.

People may be more accepting of mental illness. That fact is that most, not all do not want to know. Sure, they may know what depression is or can relate to feeling sad, yet can they relate to the feeling of not being able to go on for another minute. To feel like everything is crashing down.

I feel like as a person with a mental illness, it is still not ok with most of society to show it. On my really bad days, I feel like it is a scarlet letter if someone is looking close enough. Maybe they see me take a PRN or coloring. Maybe they see that I struggle to get basic things accomplished or have the recorder turned on because it is just to much to listen to the lecture.

Either way, I am barely holding it together. Sure, nothing is outwardly that different, yet inside is a huge mess.