A Noncustodial Mom’s Struggle

Thirteen years ago, I lost my children. My ex had one of the top lawyers in the state and I could barely afford the phone bill. I tried to speak to my kids almost everyday. They were so little, that they did not say much and were often distracted. I hoped that the magical age of 18 would come quickly. The age that they could choose when and how often to stay. The age when it would be their choice instead of a legal document.

My oldest stopped speaking to me 4 years ago. To this day there is no reason given to myself or anyone else. A lot happened over the past few years. He has a girlfriend and went through his senior year. He graduated a few weeks ago. He wants nothing to do with me. As far as he is concerned I do not exist.

This is a disadvantage of being the noncustodial parent. There is not enough time with the children to form a strong bond. Alienating the other parent or turning them into a villain is easy. I wonder if I will ever see or speak to him again.

The In Between ** May Trigger**

Over 10 years of therapy and relatively nothing has changed. Treatment resistant, medication resistant, unable to assist. All of those have been written on my paperwork.

I told my therapist the other day that I want to die, yet no way of dying is 100%. It has been suggested that I get out and join a club. I tried a book club. The book had to many triggers and the discussion was even worse. Child abuse, spousal abuse, and substance abuse were all a part of the book.

Then I am told to go out and do normal activities. I have panic attacks at the store that leave me frozen and feeling like the store is closing in around me. I always feel like I will be attacked at places that do not have many people around like gas stations. My vocal cords seem to freeze up when I want to ask for something.

I have resorted to buying things online. Even then, I do not answer the door when the doorbell rings because I am scared of who may be on the other side. I feel like people can tell I am damaged by the way that I shake and avoid eye contact.

Then there is the anger that can be activated at any time. This is not normal anger. I am afraid I will actually hurt someone else. Anything can set off the anger and once it begins I have trouble stopping.

Where is my place in society? What do I do if I cannot leave the house and am scared to hurt people? How do I perform everyday tasks while the space is closing in on me and I am shaking to the point of just wanting to sit and scream for help?

How do I begin to work through this? When are my thoughts not automatically going to go to not existing? Who am I ? All of these are questions that I need to answer, yet do not seem to know how.

Surgeries are Over🙂🙂

Finally, the surgeries are over for the summer. Yesterday, went better then expected, although I am tired today and am having some after effects. Both of those should go away soon.

Next, is to try to switch over to a new antidepressant. Fingers crossed that the side effects are minimal and that this medication works out. The real plus is that I can take it at night with my other medications.

The other aspect that I need to work on is my binging. I really need to get on a routine and stop using food to deal with my emotions. That sounds so easy, yet it is hard to do. I found a support group and a lot of them use the same app that I am trying. It seems like it is going well for them.

I am also looking forward to the kids coming the last week of this month and the first weeks of July. We plan on going to the pool and just relaxing. Both of them will be in high school next year. They should be able to relax and have fun doing what they want. They deserve some time off.

Time for Summer Weeks

One of the disadvantages of being a non-custodial parent for me is that I have to have my summer visits approved by my ex. That also means working around his vacation. I feel like I always just get whatever is left over.

This will be our first summer in the new house. It is cooler where we live now and from what I could tell last year, less humid. Because of the house we are not able to go in any overnight trips this year. At least we will be able to do a couple of day trips. There are a lot of places to see around here.

I emailed my weeks this morning. Hopefully, I will hear back by tomorrow. I just keep thinking of how old the kids are getting and that there is only a few years until the agreement will not matter.

The Trials of Being a Noncustodial Parent

I have been a noncustodial parent for over 10 years. In those years I have not had my children for one holiday dinner since they have to be back in the afternoon. There were not the first day of school pictures or even school visitation. When I would try to visit the kids at school I had to being my legal paperwork and a written note from their father.

Now that they are getting older I do not see them for dances or when they get home from school, I am not there to help them with homework. Most of our conversations are over text. I am at the mercy of whatever extra curricular activities that they are signed up for which often eat up a portion of my weekend.

The good news is that I still get to see my kids. I realize there are those parents out there who cannot and that has to be agony. I know that when I had my children this is not how I pictured watching them grow up. In bits and pieces when I have a chance too.

In my case it was my mental illness. I have had to fight to see them since then. It seems as if court is never ending. One day they will be old enough to choose. I am hoping to have that dinner or one more night. The future is promising, yet one child has been convinced that I am a horrible mother and no longer speaks to me.

Hang in there is you are in the same situation and keep fighting for as long as possible. It is an uphill battle, yet there is an end to the hill and the grass is greener on the other side.

A Noncustodial Outcome

I have three kids/teenagers at this point. They spend most of their time in a home where money is plentiful and luxury is the norm. My youngest two still want to come here and spend time with me playing games, making cookies, and watching movies. They make me feel like a parent when they are here.

Then there is my oldest who has not spoken or seen me in 3 years. At this point he does not even call me mom anymore, he calls me by my first name. It hurts that his father and extended family say that I do not care and that I am a bad parent. They say it would just be easier to cut me out of their lives. He has taken that to heart. Even if I am driving the other kids home, he will run into the house .

It is hard to know that he is becoming a young man and that I cannot even talk to him. I hope that one day he changes his mind and calls me. Then again, I may never hear from him. It is hard to know that for now anyway I have lost him.

A Few Good Days

It has been a busy weekend. I am lucky to have two out of three kids this weekend. They helped to make pies and put up the Christmas decorations for our first Christmas in the new house. It was so nice to have them and their energy. It actually motivated me to decorate and bake when I did not feel like doing anything earlier in the week.

We also went to the movies and had a lively discussion after the movie. It is nice to be able to really talk to them and get their opinions. Today is just a laid back day. We are going to attempt to make cookies. That should be fun. We will also watch some Christmas movies.

The cats are doing so much better. Our older cat is hissing a lot less and they have even touched noses a few times. We caught them both laying under the tree yesterday.

Hope everyone who reads this is doing well. I know how tough this time of year can be. One day at a time.

A Custody Dilemma Due to My Mental Illness

I have stated on here that I have three kids. Right now I am feeling like the story of the three bears. One child does not speak to me at all. The second child is ok with the visitation arrangement and does not want to cause any issues. The last child is having some issues with home and school and wants to move in with me.

Enter the fact the the other parent has full physical custody. That parent believes they are the best because they do not have a mental illness which causes symptoms that have prohibited them from working. That parent would remove the kids from me in a minute. That parent grudgingly brings the kids that do want to come to visit.

Yes, I have PTSD and depression. I lose time and I have trouble leaving the house. I have nightmares that keep me up and cause me to be tired during the day. Apparently, that means that I cannot be a parent.

The last child wants to live here. That child is having some issues and would like to try going to school and living here. At least the child is not into high school yet and the grades will not count toward college. I am worried. Financially, I do not have the funds for the court case. It would be complicated and ugly. I have a feeling both sides would be calling experts. What to do? Emotionally, I want the third child to have a chance. Intellectually, I know that I cannot afford the fight. I am not sure that I could handle it emotionally either.

So here I am. I feel guilty that I cannot do what someone with more income would be able to do. I feel guilty for not working, yet my therapist and I are just trying to get me to leave the house. I feel guilty that there is a situation that will negatively affect this child in the future. I feel like I am watching a train wreck. I know what emotional abuse looks and sounds like. Not only from my own experience, but also from the child maltreatment classes that I took. Emotional abuse is one of the hardest types of abuse to prove. There are no exams and even therapists tends to minimize situations.

Right now I am scared. If this child is anything like me I am scared how far they will go to prove how bad they are feeling. I am scared that the custodial parent will stop the child from seeing me because they feel that I somehow caused this to happen. My genes are defective. Right now all I can do is hope that I get the kids at my next visitation.

No Cooperation

Being a non-custodial parent is hard and sucks at times. I personally have had to take all of my legal paperwork to get school records or even sports team schedules.

In my case the custodial parent takes their level of power to a level that sometimes is more than a little frustrating. He refuses to drop the kids off on a Friday due to a my change in location even though I have agreed to meet him at a location that is the same number of miles that I would normally drive.

In addition to losing Friday’s, I have also lost time on Saturday mornings with the kids activities. This weekend for example, I will only have them for about 24 hours outside of the car.

He blames me for relocating, yet the neighborhood is safer for the kids. I would think that would be a plus.

Holidays suck. I do not have my kids on any holiday evening except for Thanksgiving. All other holidays including Mothers Day, they have to be back in the afternoon.

I am counting the years until they turn 18 and can decide for themselves when they would like to visit. Until then, I sometimes feel like a puppet on a string.

A Wreck

Life is challenging for everyone. Right now I need to get through some things. My oldest child is still not communicating with me. His siblings share what has been going on. I miss talking to him and seeing him. Pretty soon he will be an adult and maybe he will contact me then.

My other kids seem to be holding their heads above water. The problem is that I feel they are just treading water and are not as stable as I would like them to be.

A change in income has occurred for the worst. I am worried about losing our home and how we will get by. I am also worried about my husband. He is strong, yet there is only so much one person can take.

On top of it all I need to find new health insurance. That is stressful. There is so much information out there. Again, my issues are nothing compared to others. I guess it is because it is all happening at the same time.