Physically Healing Mentally Declining

My surgical wounds are almost entirely healed. I am finally able to do the things around the house like laundry. Tomorrow is my post operative appointment. Hopefully everything is fine and I will not have to go back.

I was supposed to have another procedure next month, yet I am putting it off until June. I am still trying to get used to the life changes after this procedure.

Mentally, I am not doing as well. It is hard to have to cut out so many foods from my diet. Cooking is triggering for me. I may have to start though. There are some easy recipes out there.

I still wake up in the morning with the cats and feed them. Then I cannot seem to keep my eyes open. I know that I should try to go for a walk or to the gym, yet I cannot seem to find the motivation. I also seem to be remembering more lately. Combined with the verification from my mother that I was really not wanted I think I just need some time to get my head around everything.

Part of me just needs to accept life as it is and stop worrying about everything that I have lost. I also need to stop worrying about if the kids will decide not to come over. That is not something that I can control.

A New Doctor

Moving meant a lot of things. Some good, like getting away from my abusers and where I was abused. Some others, I am still wondering. For example, I fear finding new places, yet every trip is new.

Tomorrow, I am going to see a new general practitioner. I hope that they treat me like other patients. I hope that they are not like other doctors who see my psychiatric medications and focus on my mental illness.

Hopefully, the visit will go well and the doctor will focus on my physical health. One positive is that the new doctor is only 10 minutes away. What will he think of me? Will he be able to look past the mental illness?

Most of all I am nervous about how I will be treated. Maybe everything will go well and I will not be treated like the latest science experiment.

A Good Christmas

For years I have been wanting to get out of the neighborhood that I lived in. That neighborhood was the same one where my abuse took place. It held so many bad memories for me. Along with the memories, there was so much crime that I had trouble sleeping. My husband and I had talked for years about getting out of there.

This summer we were able to have everything fall into place. We were able to buy a house in a safe neighborhood that did not carry any memories. My husband has allowed me to feel safe and to have new experiences. He gave me the best present that I could ever have. The gift of love and understanding.

In addition, I get to have my kids for the holiday this year. Last year, I was not even able to see them because I had been in the hospital. This year we are having them over along with some family.

Christmas is all about love and kindness. We have so much Christmas spirit in our home this year.

A New Addition

My therapist is concerned that I am not leaving the house. He has suggested TMS, yet I have not found any place near me that does it and I would have to a couple times a week.

He suggested that I get a dog that I would need to take out for walks. My husband really does not like dogs, so we found a cat breed that will go outside and explore. We are picking her up tomorrow.

I am worried that she is not going to like me and that our older cat will not take to her. We are just going to need to give our older cat time.

The move has been great. Our street is quiet and the people are so friendly. Even in the stores, the employees are helpful. My husband has been raking leaves and doing work around the house. It is nice not to hear sirens and people yelling all evening.

I just wished that a change in location would have meant that my fears of going outside would have gone away, yet that fear runs pretty deep.

So, tomorrow is the big day!! I will try to post a picture of her. Now she will be part of my recovery along with our other cat.

Almost Moved in, yet Feeling Exhausted

We are almost moved in. Just a few more boxes to go through and then we can put up photos and really make the house ours. The kids were here this past weekend and were able to get their rooms together. I was so happy that they liked the area and even were able to meet some of the neighbors.

My body is revolting against the little work I did this weekend. Yesterday, my hands were so swollen that they were bruised and I could not stay awake for anything. Today I am less sore, yet still tired. I am trying to do the little things that I can and make a mental not of what is still needed.

Being up here is more relaxing although the trauma does not go away. The nightmares are still there and I am still afraid to leave the house. The therapist says that it will get better. I wish that it would hurry up. At least here, I let some sunlight into the house. That is better than the room darkening curtains that were never opened at the old house.

I find life is at a slower pace in this new area. People actually say hello to each other and excuse me. Doors are held open and the neighbors want to include you in neighborhood traditions. It is so different from the solitary life that I left. I am going to have to get used to this as a new normal.

Testing my Boundaries

There has been so many people here since we moved into the house. Sometimes, more than one in a day. I like the house to be a safe space. Today it is more of a construction zone. New carpet is being installed and with it comes all of the sounds.

The banging really gets to me. At least it is only for one day. I could not handle this much banging all of the time. It is so loud that I hope that we are not disturbing any of the neighbors.

I will be relieved when this is finished. We can finally move furniture into the house and begin to decorate a little. We also will not have any dog smells. The stains are apparent on the carpet!!

The kids are supposed to come this week. I am not sure how that is going to go. My ex wants to completely change the schedule even though I did not move that much further away. Maybe an extra ten minutes. I really hope to see the kids. They have not seen the house except for pictures.

Other than that, things are ok. We are processing in therapy. I do not think that many people want to experience their worst days over and over, yet I need to make a connection with some kind of emotion that I was experiencing at the time. Not an easy task.

Two Weeks

Two weeks until I no longer live surrounded by the ghosts of the past. I will no longer pass the same streets and stores when so many things happened to me.

The new house is so different. Different in a good way. I will get to explore the area. Life is going to be at a different pace. Most places are closed or close early on Sundays.

I wonder what the neighbors will be like. In 10 years I have never really known my neighbors. That may be about to change.

One thing that is staying the same is my therapist. I would not know where to begin with someone else. Trusting others is a big issue for me. At least parts feel like they can finally open up. No one is going to know my abusers.

A Big Leap

Well, we have finally done it! We are moving to a quieter and safer neighborhood. My husband is bringing home boxes to pack. It is exciting and scary. I wonder if people will be friendly and if we will be accepted. I will soon find out.

I seem to be more worried about the stress on the cat than anything else. She is going to go to a new home and she does not like change. At least she will be with us and we can keep her on her schedule.

The kids father is already making a big deal out of this. I hope that it can be worked out without court, yet the track record shows that he prefers the expensive legal route.

Any moving tip or tricks to make moving less stressful and easier are welcome. Thanks in advance.

A Big Change

Our family is looking at moving out of the area where I was abused. In some ways it is scary. In other ways I am looking forward to be able to go out of the house and maybe explore a new area.

It will be weird to not be by my abusers and to not have to come back to the neighborhood. I feel like my life is going to get a second chance and I cannot ruin it. Maybe going back to school at different college with a different viewpoint will help.

My family can make new memories at a new place that may allow me to finally get well and recover. I will be able to still see my treatment team. I will try to keep the blog updated. Especially when we find a house and have a contract.

It’s Over

I met with the assistant dean today and was able to withdrawal from the program. The school is not right for me. Now, I just need to pull myself back together. I am not sure what my next step on this journey. I think my parts need to introduce themselves to my therapist and talk about why the fall is such a bad time.

Today, I plan on going home and watching tv. I still do not like leaving the house. Now, I will also be able to use the bike that I have a little every day to build up the strength in my legs.