Looking back over the years with people I have made so many mistakes. Mistakes that have cost me relationships that could be strong, yet are nothing at this time.
Elementary school was where it all started. How could I pay attention to classmates when things were so bad at home? All I could do was focus on my work. I did not have the skills to socialize and drove off other classmates.
As I became older, I thought that if I knew everything that I could hide all of the shame and pain. Yet that is not what happened. I turned to those who were trouble and who people that had my back became frustrated with.
Abusive relationships cost me my friendships because I could not talk and get together with them as much as I wanted or even needed to keep the friendship going.
Today, I realized that I actually went to elementary school with a person that I only noticed in high school. They are talented and have. Become successful in what they always wanted to do. Another friend is now married with two kids. She goes to concerts and dinner with others that I had met with her over the years. Yet another person is married, yet because I spent years away, I do not know her as much as I possibly could.
Today, I have very few people that are in my life. I cannot go back and start over. I cannot get those moments and years back. The only thing that I can do is to make sure that I am there as much as possible for the people that I care about. Moments cannot be brought back.
When I was first admitted to a psychiatric unit, I thought that I did not fit in and did not belong there. Boy was I wrong. Not only did I seem to fit, I could relate to their symptoms and stories.
I heard other patients talking about losing their children, divorces, friends abandoning them, and losing other things in their life. How nieve I was. I thought that would not happen to me.
Life happened. All of the above came true. Then I tried to get myself together. That was a mistake. I realized that I don’t fit in with “normal” people so well. Others can look me up and find out that I lost my kids and that I am sick. They do not want me as a part of their world.
Then I worked with my doctor on getting a degree that I could use. Funny, I thought that other social workers would accept a fellow student with a mental illness. Instead I was alienated and told that I was to ill to complete the program and be an effective social worker.
In order to go to school I had to take out loans. Now, I cannot complete my degree and am having issues paying back the loan. “Permanent Disability”. That is what I apparently am considered at this point. Someone who does not have the ability to get a job and will not be able to for the foreseeable future.
Maybe it is true. I am scared to leave the house and interact with others. I have to take medication just to not feel suicidal all day. I spend many hours going back and forth to doctors and therapy.
Is this really my life? Medications, therapy, doctors. Add to that the physical problems I am now having. Karma is against me.
I keep going back and forth between feeling ok and feeling like crap. There has always been the trouble with sleep. Now it is to the point where the medications are not helping.
For the past few days I have felt well enough to read, go to therapy, and finish a diamond painting. Today, l cannot seem to get off the couch.
I do have goals today, yet they are slipping through my grasp as quickly as a stream of water. I feel like I am enveloped by a never ending and growing darkness. I realize that I have felt this bad before and have pulled out of it, yet this time feels different. I cannot see a future for me. I am to scared and to damaged to be of use to anyone.
I have supposed to have the kids this weekend. I can barely find the energy to even get a glass of water. I long for the days when I had a goal and enough courage to even take one step forward.
I love to sit down and paint. I also like the diamond paintings. They take my mind off of the day and allow me to clear my head.
Painting a house is stressful. I thought I would be ok, yet I am already having anxiety around taping the walls off. I guess that is the perfectionist part of me. The bad part is that I need to get the painting done now because new carpet is coming into the room next week. I do not mind drips on the old carpet, but I will on the new.
So, this morning I finished half a room and plan to complete the other half after lunch. I am hoping to get paint on the walls today. Then I can go back to the art that I find relaxing.
It is weird going from a place where there was the constant noise of police sirens and helicopters to a setting where the only sounds are a lawnmower or a passing car. People ask how you are doing and life goes at its own pace.
There is no feeling that at any minute someone is going to break in or that I will see a rat driving home. I have parking as well as spots to relax and calm down.
Things are getting done. My projects right now include shelf liner, sink liner, and a ton of paint. I cannot wait for the kids to see the house. I hope they like it as much as I do.
The ants seem to be slowly dwindling in number. I am excited to see less each time that I look. Some storage is on its way. What seems like a big kitchen is small when you have a husband who loves to cook and is an appliance geek.
My ex is still being difficult with visitation and seems to be taking the opportunity to lesson my visits with the kids if possible. I really do not want to go back to court, yet if I have to I will. I have less than 5 years now until all of the kids are 18. That is a good feeling.
The kids visit is ending and my husband is back to working full time. After the beginning of the week, I will be by myself.
I hate being in my own head and all of the flashbacks that I get. I have been practicing mindfulness at night which seems to help a little. I also do not want to have to fight my ex for my kids.
The house is still sitting here. I feel like it is the same comment over and over. The house is nice yet we decided to go with another one. I am beginning to feel that I will not be able to get out of here!!
Keeping the house clean to show also is not fun. Laundry has been a challenge also with all of the pet hair. I feel like I am cleaning the same place multiple times a day. At least people still want to see it.
We will see how my self harm impulses are after the kids are gone. I have a feeling they are going to increase rapidly.
It seems like it was so hopeful that we were leaving this triggering neighborhood. No more would I see all those places with terrible memories. We even went to look at future homes.
I should have realized that it was not to be. Not with the way that my life has turned out. It would seem that the reality is that I am destined to live by my abusers. Maybe one day that will make me stronger. Today, it just makes me hopeless. My abusers will win again and have no consequences for their actions.
My safety is going to be questionable for a bit. It seems like their was a glimmer that things would change, yet the reality is that no one wants to live here. It is like it is cursed. My mind has to adjust to the fact that things will stay the same and that all of those places that hold memories of past abuse are still there to taunt me.
My husband and I are looking to move. If I were “normal”, I would have a job and income to use for the paperwork. Unfortunately, my PTSD symptoms are not controlled. I still have panic attacks around people and places that I do not know. My short term memory is messed up. I swear that is from the ECT.
And then there is the feeling of anger that I try to suppress each day so that I can at least get through the day.
Because of the complications from my mental illness, we may just have to stay where we are and I am going to have to learn to be ok with that. It just sucks that I am such a large part of the problem.
Some people would bring up getting damages from my abusers, yet the statute of limitations has passed. It still makes me feel like I am limited each day due to the symptoms of my illness.
No one chooses to be abused as a child or suppress those memories. Yet, it seems like we are blamed when we cannot hold a job or function as everyone else does. We fought a fight that we did not choose, yet we get blamed. Why didn’t you just tell someone or why did you not move out. I wish it were that easy. If I would have told, things would have been much worse. I was frozen for so long. I just did as they said to not rock the boat. It was not really a choice, it was a way to get through each day with the least amount of pain.
I just wish recovery would happen sooner. It just seems to take so long and involve so many aspects of my life. I just have to do what I can. Keep going to the doctors and seeing my therapist. One step at a time!
My therapist has a new goal for me: to say hello to people at counters and restaurants. I have become an expert at being invisible over the years. It has led to not having friends and isolating myself inside the house.
I like the house, it is safe and I feel comfortable. I feel like a freak outside. My scars are so noticeable from all of the self harm. I am going to try to have one removed or at least decrease the size.
Therapy is going ok. My therapist and I have come to the realization that my feelings are buried so far down, they may never come up. We are working on trying to feel in the present. That is hard as well. I am used to shutting down.
Right now I am just trying to take one day at a time and know that I did the best that I could each night before I go to sleep.
Maybe I will be able to make friends. There is always hope!
Why does therapy have to be so difficult. I wish that I did not have to go through hell and feel all of my emotions associated with the abuse I had growing up.
Not that not being in therapy would help either. I still have flashbacks when there are certain colors or smells. Locations are the worst. These are not dependent on therapy.
At least a horror movie can be turned off. Not so with memories. They haunt me while awake and asleep. PTSD has taken so much from me. I am always scared to be out of the house and am hyper vigilant. I try to go out and be “normal” yet I have scars that are visible and I am always looking around me waiting for the next event to happen.
Maybe one day I will be able to relax and process all of the horrible things that happened.