I am in limbo. I have no idea what I want to do and seem to be self harming more and more. I thought that I knew what I wanted, now all of those plans have been ripped apart. School is gone for now. Even the hospital really could not help me. I feel like I am at rock bottom with no way to get out. I do not have any hope that things will get better.
I am still not seeing my children. I knew there was a possibility of this when I went inpatient. I just did not know that my ex would be this much of a jerk about every step in the process to get them back.
Now, it looks like I am going to be a part of a DBT group. That will last 6 months. Part of me is like what then. Will I have anymore direction than I do right now? Will there be anything that I will be able to do without becoming angry and full of rage?
I am not sure if my family understands what is going on. We could not make a fall event and now we are not invited to the winter event. I know I am different, I just hate being treated like it by those who should support me. At least a text or a call.
School, work, even just getting through the day is currently hard to nonexistent.
My life is in limbo right now. Apparently, I have to go in front of a committee, yet there has not been a date set. I most likely will not get another field placement this yer. This means that I will have to drop two classes. I am not a very optimistic person. To me, Just wish that those in charge would make a decision. In the meantime, I need to keep going to class and pretend that everything is ok. I have a pessimistic outlook. Why am I even going to class when this committee could expel me from the school.
I am waiting to hear what the committee’s decision is to know my next steps. In the meanwhile going to class and pretending that everything will be ok is draining. Another attempt to move forward may have failed. Why am I even good for? Am i to far gone in my mental illness to participate in society? I wish that someone could give me the answers.
My spouse is upset that I am so depressed. He feels like I should be up for the challenge of going before the review board. He keeps saying that things have not come to an end. I wish that I could believe him!
Tomorrow, I have a meeting with the Assistant Dean of Students to discuss what is happening. I am hoping she can assist me a little. At least tell me where I am in the process.
In the meantime, I have papers that may never be counted! Just keep moving forward is not something that I do very well! Is there a degree out there for me or am I so lost that I cannot even find a path to be on?
As I sit here in the second class of my day, I wonder if this is the right choice for me. I cannot get out of my head that I should not be a social worker. I know this is what I wanted to do, just not with kids or teenagers.
I am still waiting for the date of my Student Review Board. Who knows what they will determine. I am going to be so upset if I am doing my work and then the board decides to kick me out of the school. I have started to believe that I cannot lead a normal life with my disability.
I can take meds and get to doctors appointments. After that things are a struggle from the time that I wake up. I can barely get myself something to eat unless it has already been prepared. Then there is the entire leaving the house aspect of it all. All I want to do is stay at home. Leaving the house has caused me panic attacks and all I do is shake. Maybe I am just not ready. Then I think about my future. I want to have a career and I have done enough therapy on why I wanted to be a social worker and the people that I would like to work with.
I had a 4.0 when I took undergraduate courses in Social Work. After 5 weeks in Graduate School, I have been asked to leave my field placement and the worst case is to be expelled from the school. I cannot believe I did not even get 10 days to work with students. I keep wondering why I am sitting here now questioning if I should stay in the program at all.
Maybe 13 years of trauma work has done something to me. Do I really see everything in my life through those lenses? I did not think so? I do know boundaries and what mine are as a student. I know that I did not cross boundaries with students and did not violate any ethical rules.
MY self harm thoughts are growing. I really wonder what I have to live for at this point. I cannot fit in with society. What am I going to do. The hospital is the only place where I feel that I am not looked at as some specimen or weird person. In the hospital there are others like me who have know pain and adversity. Out in the real world I cannot seem to find my place. I cannot make friends, I cannot sit in a class without giving my opinion, and currently my thoughts have reached a level where all i want to do is disappear.
Currently my thoughts have doubled as to leave school. I do not know where I would go from there. Maybe try to get the pieces put back together in some order. Maybe read some and include some art work and journaling in my day. Do I need to analyze my position in society and what i am really able to take. I really do not like leaving the house. I especially do not like being somewhere that I feel like anything could happen at any time to get to school. Drug deal, taking drugs, arguments, those with undiagnosed disorders walking around screaming at the closest object to them. Then all of the ambulances that never seem to end during class. I am broken at this point and need time to put things back together in my head and in my life. Maybe my first goal should be to figure out where it would be best for me to live? Right now, I just do not know.
It started with a panic attack this morning. I did not want to get out of bed. I felt paralyzed. Yesterday was to much. I fell walking into school. The neighborhood where I have to park is questionable. Today, I am left with the cuts and bruises.
Then there is the fact that I feel like I am drowning with school work. I knew it would be a lot. Mentally I am ok, physically my body is breaking down. I am so drained. All I want to do is sleep. My hands and feet are going numb. Fibromyalgia is active again. Inside, I just cannot keep up. My thoughts are slow and I am always sore.
Luckily, I am seeing my therapist more often. I still miss my psychiatrist. I feel like she would have known just what to say. I miss her everyday. It is not often that one finds a psychiatrist who really cares. Being tired does not help anything.
I want to go to sleep. My body is fighting to stay awake. Thoughts of self-harm are strong. I am doing no my best not to act on them. I find that I cannot remember huge chunks of class. I am not sure where I am drifting off too? Maybe my safe space? That would make sense since the area around the school scares me.
I saw my parents this week. Once at a wake and another to me at a restaurant. During the wake my mother came over to talk to the kids. They were not having any of it. In fact my daughter was ready to scream. When wee saw them the next night at dinner, they did not even come over to us. I really think that the only child that they want to see is my oldest. He has not spoken to me for about two years. He has blocked my phone number.
This morning is training for my field placement and I am unmotivated. I did not want to come into a school. I was fine the day that I left teaching and have not gone back. What is getting me through is that one month is already over. I can apply for the specialty that I want next year. I am hoping to be in a hospital or hospice. I am looking forward to doing a placement in an area that I chose, instead of one chosen for me by someone who does not know me.
It is only the third week of class. I feel like I can barely keep my head above water between the readings and papers. All of my papers are due in the first two months of class. This is not an easy schedule with therapy twice a week and seeing my psychiatrist.
Then there is waking up early on Monday to get the kids to school. They want to come for their optional weekends. The only issue is balancing time with them and school. I really want to spend more time with them, yet I have so much work.
Therapy has become more challenging. We need all parts to begin to work with our therapist, yet all are not sure how they feel about “coming out” to him and revealing who we all are. That will make us vulnerable. Are we ready for that?
At least I will have time to work on my paper this evening. I also somehow need to complete all of my readings for tomorrow!!
Overwhelmed!!! I can ask for an extension due to my 504, yet I feel like I should be able to do this like everyone else without turning assignments in late. Maybe I just need to accept that I am going to need a little help to get through this.
Today is just beginning. At least I have arrived safely from the parking garage! One item down for the day.
Somehow I survived my first week of field and class. I am trying to take it one step at a time. I make lists of everything I have to do and then cross each off as I do it. This gives me a sense of accomplishment. Field is hard. There are points where I feel like I have not received the training and struggle.
The kids first week went well. So far, they like all of their teachers and have their friends. I have already received a frantic call about homework and was able to help over the phone. I will see them soon and I cannot wait to hear more details.
I am now having therapy twice a week since my psychiatrist decided he only wanted to manage my medications not my parts. My therapist is helping. He reassures me all of the time that what I am going through is normal and has assisted in helping me with reality testing .
Home life is ok. My husband and I arely at home. We are both so tired by the end of the day that we wind up just going to sleep.
The good news is that I am taking my medications. I am waking up and getting a little more sleep at night. The only problem are the mightMares that wake me up in the middle of the night.
I made it to the building! That is the first hurdle of the day. Now to make it through the first class. Luckily, I have had this in undergrad, so it is not completely new. My hands are shaking and my heart is racing. I need to take a PRN and calm down or I am not going to remember anything from class.
I got here early so that I can get a seat in order to best record the class. This should not bring up to much past trauma. The class this afternoon may be a different story. Then we need to talk about development. I have to stop thinking of myself as just my illness. Before I became ill, I was capable of functioning. I need to slowly learn how to get back to that place.
I cannot believe that it is already August. School is going to start for me in less than a month. I am so nervous about my memory issues and my social fears. As I always write, I will take it one day at a time and keep the blog up to date.
We just returned from a camping trip with the kids. We had an air conditioned cabin and it was only a short walk to the bathroom, store, and pool. That was good for me since I cannot walk very far without pain and fatigue. The kids liked playing in the pool, building campfires, and using the porch swing. This was the first time that we have all been away together.
Therapy is going ok. I wish that I could get more accomplished in one hour than I do. Somehow I feel like there is so much more to say. I am worried that there are issues that are going to arise in field placement this fall. I guess that is why I have weekly appointments. I am going to need them to deal with all of the personal issues that will arise. Funny, social workers always discuss secondary trauma. What if you already have PTSD? Is the experience different?
July was a good month to relax. This month I am attempting to make social, biological, and social charts for each stage of development. I want something to refer to to write reports for clinical and papers for class. I am taking it slowly and should be finished by the beginning of the semester.
Just a question for anyone to respond too. Are there any books that anyone would recommend for teens who are having a rough time. It would be great if the books referenced an oppressed or minority population. I want to have some suggestions to run past my field supervisor for the kids that I will be working with.
My husband graduated with his Master’s in math and is going to begin teaching this semester. I am so excited that his dream of becoming a college professor is coming true. I saw how hard he worked and what it is going to take to get my Masters degree. I hope I have the mental stamina to keep up with the pace!!
Tomorrow begins the first official on campus step of the semester. I need to go to the disability office to meet with an advisor to determine what modifications that I will need for the upcoming semester. I am scared, yet I know that they will assist me in being able to do my best in all of my classes. It will be the first time that I have driven to the campus on my own as well. I am nervous about driving in the area and easily get lost. I am hoping that I find parking and get to the building without incident.
Here’s to a new beginning this year. Thanks for following. I will try to blog at least every other day until school starts. Then it will most likely be everyday!
I thought that the effects of my abuse were becoming manageable. I had learned coping skills for moments of anxiety or periods of darkness. I had my little pile that I could pull from.
Yesterday seemed to open up a black hole in me. One that I did not realize that was there. One that made me realize just how far the abuse went and would go.
A conversation happened yesterday that put all of the cards on the table. That stated in pure terms how because of my trauma, I could not handle the stresses of a field placement. Not even a job.
Is this how I am seen by others? Do those closest to me see me as nothing more than my illness? Have they given up hope of me one day moving on?
Today, I am numb. I just want to be left alone and stay in the house. I want to attempt to deal with the reality of how many parts of me are broken and how severe the breaks are. The unseen wounds are there and run deep. They are the scars left behind from all that went on. Yesterday, just proved how others see them as weak when I see them as a strength.
For now, I just want to be able to see my doctors today and tomorrow and forget about school and all that comes with it. Maybe by the weekend I will have a better outlook and more hope.