The past few weeks and especially days have been rough. I have been through rough patches before and my doctor has always been able to pull me through. Either an assignment, some coloring, or watching my favorite movie will do the trick.
That is not the case right now. Right now I feel like I am in a massive hole. No-one can see or hear me where I am and no one is really looking. Everyone is just to tired of having to support the “depressed and pessimistic” person. So, who can I turn to. Who can I find to support me? I am not religious. That is an entire therapy session that has not happened yet. The only people that I can think of for support right now are people who are not here. People who have died or have left my life in some way.
My aunt who would have given me a hug and let me help her with the garden or do the dishes. Who would have fixed me crackers with peanut butter and jelly late at night when I could not sleep. The aunt who sat quietly beside me an knitted another blanket that would keep someone warm and cozy when she was finished. A person that was not scared to say good job and was not afraid to laugh. A person who would allow me to go into a sprinkler with all of my clothes on and just laugh. That was something different from the norm. She has been gone for many years, yet right now I know that if I called her she would most likely listen and then invite me over to just sit on the back swing or the front porch. To just be! I miss that. That relationship when your day or week can be horrible, yet there is someone that you can just “be” with. Not say anything.
My grandmother was the same way. She allowed me all of the hugs that I wanted. She would encourage laughter. She always had a story to tell. I did not need a book when I was with her. She also would have been there for me right now. She would have accepted that I feel horrible, that I just want to curl up into a ball and have someone there beside me to know that I am safe.
Right now I really need that someone, yet they are not there. I have to remember those times that someone was there and that did know me and accept me. Sometimes I wonder though. If they knew me now would they accept me. The person who loses her temper along with time. The person who eats to much or to little. A person who does not even like herself some days. I will not know the answer to those questions.
So I will try to white knuckle it through yet another night. Somehow, I will make it to tomorrow morning. After that, it is anyones guess. Most likely I will leave another annoying voicemail on my therapists phone. And, yes I will probably write another post that is not so happy. Please stick around. This has to get better!!
PTSD and beyond 