Why Can’t I See??

After my oldest child stopped speaking to me I have let it get in the way of my relationship with my two youngest children. I need to realize that they want to be here on the weekends and want me at their activities. For some reason I do not take my own advice that they are all different people.

I have also been told to make my illness clear to them. I do not know how to do that. I feel like they do not know enough, yet I still need to continue to keep a healthy boundary.

Finding the right words is going to be hard. Not only do I have a mental illness, but a physical one as well. One that stress negatively affects. I need to allow them to know that they are not causing any of this. The problem is that I already think that I have told them. From what I remember they did not even want to hear. Maybe instead of talking, I should put things in writing. Not to much, yet enough for them to understand.

Last night was a great example. One of my kids had an activity. I was exhausted and did not feel well. I really thought that it was best not to go, yet I had already promised that I would come. I need to begin to be realistic with them. This is where boundaries come in again.

My children mean so much to me and I want them to be able to focus on themselves. At the same time I need for them to understand that my decisions have nothing to do with them. They have to do with what is happening in my life. A good therapy topic and I can ask my therapist to read the completed letters before I give them to the kids.

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Unsure, Yet I Need to Try

Getting an MSW did not work out so well for whatever reason. I am not even sure that what happened was my fault. Withdrawing from the program made me question my ability to do anything at all. All I know is that I still want to work with people.

This fall, I plan to begin a program at the local community college to be able to be a chemical dependency counselor. I am worried that it will just be another dead end. That this program will not work out either. I know that I have to try. I want to show my kids that no matter what happens in life there is always another path. Even if that path seems impossible to get through.

I surprised myself yesterday. I went on my son’s field trip. I was surprised to know and realize how excited he was and how happy he became in seeing all of the artifacts that interested him. It turned out to be a better day than I thought.

In the next week, I need to look at classes. It scares me and part of me does not want to do it. This is a hard time of year. My parents were especially harsh. They always said that I was not good enough. That loop needs to slow down in my head. I need to believe in myself and see this fall as an opportunity to be able to begin again.

A New Hobby

For years I have journaled, colored, drawn, and made jewelry. I have found a new interest in Diamond Painting. It is a combination of paint by number and beading. I find that it relaxes me and that I can focus because it is so tedious. I have been successful in purchasing the product online although it is not covered in the local craft stores. If you like color by number or cross stitch you may like diamond painting.

In other news, my therapist is once again requesting that I get out of the house. I think I know every way to not have to leave the house except for therapy. I promised that I would check out some options in order to get out of the house and spend time with people.

My kids, at least the two that speak to me, are growing so quickly. It is nice when they call me and need to talk. That makes me feel like I did something right. Even when they have a birthday party or event the falls on my visitation day, the confirm that it is ok if they go. Of course 99% of the time I say yes. I want them to experience what being a teenager is all about and have fun. I know all to well that one cannot do those years over.

Today, I have already accomplished one goal and plan to complete the other this afternoon. Maybe  I need to start to make a goal for everyday. It seems as if it would push me to get more accomplished. I will have to consider that. The other nice thing about today is that most of the work on the house has been completed and it is once again quiet except for the occasional reminder from the kitty that she wants food or attention.

Again, check out diamond painting. It is detail oriented and can be used as artwork when completed. I just wish more people in my area were doing it. It would make for a great meet up group.

The Weather is Just How I Feel!

Rain. Normally an umbrella and windshield wipers and the rain is taken care of for us. What if there is a hole in the roof or the storm drain is blocked? Then the rain seeps into the house and causes problems. Water damage, costly repairs, ruined memories.

That is how I feel right now with my mental health. The more that I try to convince myself to get it together the more it seems to flare up. I hate leaving the house. It’s not just that I am nervous to go places, it is the fear of seeing my abusers.

My biggest motivation are the kids. I need to do well for them. Then it feels like I am ignoring the problem. Therapy is supposed to be a place to air some of this. I feel guarded in therapy. I feel like I am not bad enough to deserve treatment. This has been going on for 12 years. I feel like if I stay guarded enough then no one will ever know how messed up my life really was and I will not have to voice it.

The silence is trapping me in a place that I feel I cannot get out of. The doctor can only do so much. He cannot read minds! If he. If he could that would be worse.

Just a quick note to try and do something nice for yourself on Valentines Day. Read a book, craft, journal, or watch a movie. I need to remember to take my own advice!!

Somehow I got Through

Christmas is a holiday with conflicting memories. I used to have a great time at my Aunt’s house, yet I remember my parents being forced.

This Christmas was the first Christmas that I could not see my kids because I had to go into the hospital. I felt like I was being punished and that I could not even hold it together enough to be able to see them. I had to go inpatient. I needed the staff and the support.

In two days I have a meeting with my ex to see about when I can see the kids again. I hope it will go well. Who knows with my ex.

Christmas at our home was great. I was able to see the cat stick her head into a treat bag. I received some cool art supplies and a bubble light. I was able to spend the day with my husband just relaxing.

I hope to get my kids back soon. I miss them. They at least still talk to me at night.

DBT is going well. I like keeping the diary cards each day and keeping track of my symptoms. Right now we are focusing on mindfulness. After the new year we will begin emotion regulation. I know that I need it and that I am going to need to work really hard to be able to use it.

My sleeping is like it always is. I found I get more sleep without taking sleep medication. I am going to see how it work out for the next few nights.

The holidays are almost over and for the most part they have been good. Let’s see how the beginning of the new year will go.

Not Horrible

The Christmas party yesterday was not as bad as I thought that it would be. People were talking about different subjects then I thought they would. It was ok. I did not like being out of the house that was the only bad part.

I did my sleep study last night. The box kept talking and waking me up. I thought that it would just me one night. The company called this morning and wants two nights. I cannot believe I have to go through another night. Apparently, the data produced some concerns.

I also have to work on therapy and homework. Talking about my parents is not easy when everything inside is telling me to protect them. Family asks if I have heard from them. That would be a no. What they did in some ways is just embarrassing. In other ways I feel like I will betray them. Who treats their kids the way they treated me?

Still waiting for a meeting with my ex to see the kids. I am sure he wants to put it off for as long as possible. He told the kids that they would not see me before January. Meanwhile, the psychologist can meet this week. He is just a mean individual. That is not changing.

Another stay in the Hospital **May Trigger**

After seeing my therapist 2weeks ago I felt like no one cared or understood how bad things really were. I decided to go to the ER where they put me in the psychiatric part and examined me. I was able to get medicine for my cuts and burns. 

The psychiatrist assessed me and told me that I would sign a voluntary. I said yes, yet the voluntary was never brought to me when the ambulance came to transfer me, I learned that I was involuntary. I postponed my hearing in order to get some kind ofoutside help. I was told that a DBT group would be helpful, yet I was told that they could not refer me.

No one seemed like they could help with the parts work that I needed to do. Luckily my husband brought up markers so I could write in myjournal. At least I was able to begin some internal communication.

Right now I am going to see my therapist. I am hoping that he has a plan or I am scared that I will be back in the hospital. Right now I just need quite, peace, my medications, and a friend or two. It would be nice for someone to watch a movie or just talk to keep my mind off of all the self harm thoughts.

Another stay in the Hospital **May Trigger**

After seeing my therapist 2weeks ago I felt like no one cared or understood how bad things really were. I decided to go to the ER where they put me in the psychiatric part and examined me. I was able to get medicine for my cuts and burns. 

The psychiatrist assessed me and told me that I would sign a voluntary. I said yes, yet the voluntary was never brought to me when the ambulance came to transfer me, I learned that I was involuntary. I postponed my hearing in order to get some kind ofoutside help. I was told that a DBT group would be helpful, yet I was told that they could not refer me.

No one seemed like they could help with the parts work that I needed to do. Luckily my husband brought up markers so I could write in myjournal. At least I was able to begin some internal communication.

Right now I am going to see my therapist. I am hoping that he has a plan or I am scared that I will be back in the hospital. Right now I just need quite, peace, my medications, and a friend or two. It would be nice for someone to watch a movie or just talk to keep my mind off of all the self harm thoughts.

And It All Fell Down **May Trigger**

A two weeks ago I could not go on any longer and I self-harmed. I was put inpatient on Friday and released the following Monday.

Not one doctor could deal with my parts. None of my meds were changed and I felt worse leaving than when I came in. I told the doctor about how the parts felt about ending everything. They did not seem to care and sent me home that afternoon.

Less than 48 hours after discharge, I self- harmed two different times. Right now, I feel like I am falling apart. I see my therapist today and Friday. I saw my doctor today and will see him again this Friday. 

I am not sure what to do parts need serious help and they are not getting any. I am going to talk to The doctor about options for other hospitals. Since trauma is so unique, maybe I can find somewhere else to go. 

Right now my bags are packed. I am ready to go inpatient because I know that I need staff to watch me. I feel as if I have lost all hope at this point.

And It All Fell Down **May Trigger**

A two weeks ago I could not go on any longer and I self-harmed. I was put inpatient on Friday and released the following Monday.

Not one doctor could deal with my parts. None of my meds were changed and I felt worse leaving than when I came in. I told the doctor about how the parts felt about ending everything. They did not seem to care and sent me home that afternoon.

Less than 48 hours after discharge, I self- harmed two different times. Right now, I feel like I am falling apart. I see my therapist today and Friday. I saw my doctor today and will see him again this Friday. 

I am not sure what to do parts need serious help and they are not getting any. I am going to talk to The doctor about options for other hospitals. Since trauma is so unique, maybe I can find somewhere else to go. 

Right now my bags are packed. I am ready to go inpatient because I know that I need staff to watch me. I feel as if I have lost all hope at this point.