I am at a low point right now. My feelings of self-harm have increased, along with flashbacks, irritability, nightmares, and sleep disruptions. I wish that someone would just say, it is ok to feel like crap and sit with me.
Instead, I get placated with how good I am doing in school, the fact that I am making all of my therapy appointments, or at least I look well. Really, they have no clue. If I go into the hospital, where I most likely need to be right now for intensive treatment, I will need to go and try to re obtain visitation with my children upon discharge. The last 5 weeks of the semester will be lost and I will need to repeat classes. Any hope of beginning graduate school in the fall will be lost.
I need treatment right now. I need someone to check in on me and make sure that I am safe. I need to be accountable to someone. I do not need to be told what I am doing. What people do not know is that side is a farce. Someone who comes and does what needs to be done. A part that can handle an hour or two of being out of the house.
At home, the laundry and dust have piled up. The bed is not made. Things lay where they were last used. Everything around me that is close enough to be in my personal space is crumbling. Even writing this, I am sitting at school. It took everything that I had today to get here. Most likely when I get home, I will sleep until late this afternoon. Wake -up and try to stay awake for a few hours before I go up to bed and zone out. I know that I do not fall asleep, that would be to much, yet I go somewhere that is safe and loving in my head. Somewhere that I cannot be hurt.
So please, do not look at me and assume I am ok because I am showered and out of the house. Please do not believe the farce. Maybe, the person who looks ok is about to fall into pieces. Without talking to them or knowing them, you would never know.