A Crazy Weekend

Friday, my cat, whom I consider my best friend, was sick. I thought it was the typical hairball and did not pay much attention. then she was sick again. Soon she was not eating or drinking. By this time, it was well into the weekend and I had no choice but to take her to the ER.

Once there, we were told that she was dehydrated. All of her tests came back normal, but the still wanted to complete an ultrasound. I had a hard time leaving her there overnight and went back the next morning. When I saw her again she had an IV and a cone from pulling out the first IV. Once all tests were completed she checked out ok. I took her back home that night after a long and trying day in the waiting room.

After she came home, she was interested in food and even eating. Then the symptoms started up again. I had not fed her anything but her normal food, which is ProPlan. She went back to the vet yesterday and were told that it was still gastritis. She was hungry last night. The ProPLan has been omitted from her diet and she seems to be on the mend at this point. I question if the food was bad? I have no way of knowing what caused all of this.

Since I took the cat to the vet yesterday, I missed therapy. We are processing right now and some of the memories are uncomfortable. I know that it will only get worse as I delve deeper into the memories and try to connect feelings with events that happened in my life. At least my therapist does not push and I feel comfortable at the rate that things are going.

In other events, my ex will not allow me to have the kids for two one night visits in a row. He thinks that it will send me back into the hospital. I am so glad that he thinks that he is a doctor. He has no clue what I went inpatient for in the fall. What was going on at that time is over and done with and I am getting on with my life as best I can. Having to give up a Masters program was hard, yet it was the right thing to do. Maybe it was the right course of study, yet the school was the wrong fit. At least I see the kids next weekend. High school is looming for both of them. I am concerned with how they will adjust, yet I know that they are strong and that they can come to me with anything.

This morning the cat got me up to be with her. I am grateful that she seems to be on the mend. This weekend scared me. I do not know what I would do without her companionship. She is one of a kind.


A Mentally Ill Parent

A parent with a mental illness is still a parent. If the person is in treatment and is stable, they should be able to see their children. Instead, we have a damaged court system that takes custody away and is some cases only allows for supervised visitation.

As a patient I have to often white knuckle it so I will not need to go inpatient. If I go inpatient, I need letters from doctors and a meeting with a separate psychologist just to see my kids again.

Thankfully, all of my kids will be 18 within the next 6 years. At that point it will matter what they think and how they feel about seeing me. There will not be a visitation schedule or a holiday schedule. I hope that the kids will still want me as part of their lives. That is to be seen.

The other aspect of being a non-custodial parent is that it is public record. Any parent can look up and see that big black dot and not want me around their children. No one ever did an assessment of my competence to take care of my kids. They just assumed that I would not be able too. I think my kids are the ones who have been hurt the most.

Another Try

I do not want to give up after the disaster at graduate school. I met with an advisor today at the community college. There is less pressure and more support at level and that is what I need. I will have to make sure to use the disability office.

It will not be much longer before I get to have the kids for an entire weekend again. It feels good to be able to see them.

Therapy has been tough. Describing what happened in detail with emotions is rough, although I have to do it to get well. At least my therapist is going at a reasonable pace.

Valentine‚Äôs Day With A Mental Illness

I have been off of Facebook today. I celebrated Valentine’s Day on Sunday. Sunday I had an amazing lunch and was able to relax.

Today, I have therapy. Once the bad crap gets let out, it does not go back. The only thing I am going to want to do when I get home is to watch mindless TV and go to bed. I am lucky that I have someone in my life who understands.

I am thinking about a program in the fall that I can get a certificate. I have also signed up for writing sites and am learning more about what it will take to write a book. I think that in my case, it may need more than one. Whatever I am going to do the in the future it will need to accept me for who I am. I wish that the grad school that accepted me would not have now. I do not think that they really wanted someone with a mental illness. I still fell that I was just someone who met a diversity qualification.

Visitation Only

Even though I have been divorced for a number of years, the custody issue is ongoing. The county that I live in believes in giving a parent with a mental illness visitation. After the first agreement was reached I thought that the battles and stress were over.

Fast forward to a hospital stay where I came home to a letter that stated that seeing the children was detrimental for them. Almost a year of lawyers and court went by before I was able to see my children again.

I hate having to go inpatient, even though I know that it might be for the best. After I get out of the hospital there is a list of steps that I have to take to get to start to see my kids again. That can take months waiting for documentation.

Sometimes it is hard. I have to report everything to my ex. When, where, how long for any type of vacation. I cannot even take the kids somewhere in the state overnight. Meanwhile, he can leave the country with them without any problem.

The bright side to all of this is that I have less time ahead of me than behind me. I already anticipate another court case coming. That will be another day.

Everything Says No!!!

I am supposed to go to therapy this morning. My clothes are out and I am up. There is just one problem. I do not want to leave the house. To put it another way, thoughts of leaving the house are crippling me right now.

I feel that the people closest to me do not understand. They tell me that they do not want to go anywhere either. This is more than that. My mind feels like it is on pause and that I cannot walk out the door. How am I supposed to focus to drive or even be able to drive.

Sometimes I feel like my problems are minimized. That I should be able to just get over everything. I wished that this illness worked like that. I wish I could just make myself go and all will be ok. I wish that I was not paralyzed with fear.

How Do They Know?!? **May Trigger**

You will feel better soon. You have to get through this to lesson the pain, anger, etc. This group/treatment should help. How about a new medication?

Really!! None of those things has worked. I still feel horrible. Yesterday I told a close friend that I do not feel right without an open wound on my body. That would feel better. It would be better than feeling like a failure everyday. I feel like I let so many people down when I could not even get through the first month of grad school.

Now, I am just lost. I am not sure where to go or what to do. Am I so messed up that I am not able to live a “normal” life. I have thought about that. What are some alternatives? I have thought about writing. I am not sure about that one. Then there is the addiction counselor. I know that an eating disorder and self harm are addictions. Maybe helping others get through their dark and challenging days. Right now, I am just not sure.

At least I am able to see the kids again. They keep me going. I do not want to leave them with just their father. I am not sure that would be good for any of them. Just a few more weeks until they will be able to spend the night again!!

Lately, I have felt pretty bad. Like I do not want to get out of bed or off the couch bad. I do not see the point of all this therapy and treatment if I still feel like crap. Then again maybe I need to go through this to get to the other side. Feeling better would be good.

School and work are on the back burner for now. My goals are to try to process some of the things that happened to me in order to decrease their impact. That looks so good on paper. In reality it feels like crap and does not seem to be getting better.

New Year!

New Year’s resolutions. Everyone makes them. Exercise more, go on a diet, don’t do whatever. My resolution is to try to figure out what my path in life is. I have thought about writing a book. At least a small one about my journey through the courts with my kids.

Group was this morning. Why does everyone want to talk about emotions. If I was comfortable with those I would not need all of the therapy. That would certainly save money.

The holidays were ok. My husband got me some really cool art stuff and a bubble tank. I have been taking advantage of all of the new art supplies!! I love to draw and color. It is relaxing and all of my problems seem to disappear.

I was able to see the kids again after completing all of the steps in the agreement. It was great to have them at the house and to be able to celebrate our Christmas.

So. I am not sure if I have mentioned that I am not a big fan of cooking. I am better at baking. I have found a new love for baking scones. I can put pretty much anything into them that I want. I have iced some and not others. I also made brownies from scratch. They turned out better than the box mix.

Part of me has come to accept that I am on my own path right now. I have to figure out the best route to take. I think that with time, it will come to be. I have a few ideas. Hope that everyone had a great New Year. I am not sure it is about resolutions but getting through one day at a time.

Not this Year

I went into the hospital to get help. I got out and am not able to see my kids until letters are written and meetings are completed. I am hoping to see them in January.

I was supposed to have them for Christmas this year. All of their gifts are wrapped and ready for them. I feel like I am being punished by choosing to get help.

If it was a medical condition I could see my kids. Yet, it was a mental health issue. My ex went so far yesterday to that suicidal = homicide. I am not sure who is giving out that information. It is not true. Especially for a people who voluntarily go into the hospital.

This is beginning to be a weird Christmas. I just hope that it can be salvaged and that my husband and I have a good day together.

A Stressful Day Ahead

The holidays!! I like putting up the tree, wrapping presents, and baking. Then there is the part the I don’t particularly like or want to go through. Family visits.

Not that my family is not nice and funny. It is when they ask how I am doing. I want to tell the truth so badly. I dropped out of school, I was in a mental hospital twice, I am almost finished with treatment at the wound care center for the self harm that I did, and oh yeah I do not have my kids because of legal reasons. Meanwhile, they are discussing the successful jobs and normal lives. They have their kids with them and their life is stable.

Nothing like feeling like a complete failure. It does not matter anymore that I graduated with highest honors and a BS. I am not using it.

Their homes are all nice and they live in good areas. Meanwhile I am struggling to pay bills and live in an area that has a reputation for being bad.

I wish that I could just stay home and hide. To not have to see anyone. There would be no panic attacks or stomach pains. I could just be in peace.

Somehow I have to get through the day and put on a happy face while I am flooded with reminders of how messed up my life is. At least I know that there will be an end and I can come home to the cat and the quiet. Wish me luck!!